Bugsbunny4. My husband has gone into care

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Bugsbunny4, Nov 6, 2015.

  1. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Hello, I am new to posting on this website
    Since the middle of August my husband who is 76 and has mixed dementia ,has really become so much worse. An incident occurred at home and I reached the end of my rope. I called for help and OH went into respite for a week. Whilst there he continued to deteriorate and the home contacted the hospital. He was sectioned and taken there.
    He was in hospital for 10 weeks and was moved onto a section 3 in order to continue monitoring his response the changes in medication.
    He has had really bad periods of paranoia during this time, increased confusion, very disturbed sleep patterns in spite of sleeping meds. However visiting him has been quite pleasant on most occasions as he has been pleased to see me and saying lovely things to me. On two occasions he was almost like he used to be about 4 yrs ago. His mobility deteriorated over the last two weeks and he has had a couple of falls.
    At a meeting of best interests it was decided that a care home placement would be best.
    I struggled with this decision, and still struggling to accept that my lovely husband is so much worse. I have to accept that I can't look after him at home the way he is now but that feeling of " would this have happened if I hadn't called for help" is still with me.
    He went into care on Tuesday, and he is desperately unhappy, wants to get away, says I don't love him.
    Is it possible to ever get used to this?
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,853
    Female
    Scotland
    You called for help because you needed it at that time. That is a fact. He is now improved because he got that help. That is how it should be. At present the changes have caused him some upset but on the experience of many TPrs he will settle down and you will be able to enjoy each other's company without the stress of coping at home.

    I doubt if any of us ever feel as if we've got it 100% right but we do our best and to waste precious time beating ourselves up over the ifs and buts makes no sense.

    Very good wishes to you.
     
  3. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Thanks for your reply.
    You are saying exactly what I have been told many times. This is a very cruel illness and my husband said after his diagnosis that he was being robbed of his past and his future. At the time I thought he was wrong because I felt we could still have good times. As time has gone on I can understand what he meant.
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    Hello bugsbunny and welcome to Talking Point

    In our heads we know that dementia is progressive, but it still comes as a shock when we are faced with the reality. You did the right thing by calling for help. I do not know what the incident at home was, but it sounds like the start of the deterioration and it meant that he could get help when it was needed. So dont let guilt talk to you, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

    Going into a CH is difficult to adjust to for both parties - it may take a while for him to settle. As part of this settling period I wouldnt visit too often, keep your visits very short and when you go staple a bright smile onto your face and have an oh-isnt-this-a-lovely-place attitude. If you are upset he will pick that up and be anxious about being there. Go and scream and/or cry outside if necessary.

    You havent stopped caring for him - there will still be lots to do from sewing in name tags to going out with him on outings. You will get to know the staff and the other residents will begin to feel like family. The difference will be that the hard stuff will be shared and you will get some peace at night.
     
  5. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire

    Hi canary,
    Yes we do know dementia is progressive, it's just the speed of all this which has shocked me to the core. I still love him to bits and I can't imagine how he is feeling inside, it must be worse than a nightmare.
     
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    Im sure its been worse than a nightmare for both of you, but it sounds like he is improving and once he has settled it will be better.
    Mum is in a CH and she has actually thrived there - she is so much happier having someone around 24/7. However much we want to it is just not possible for one person to provide that much care.
     
  7. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hellougsbunny4 my hubby has been in a CH now for 2months, it was only 2wks respite, but he was so bad that the CH manager and SS didn't know how l managed to look after him for so long on my own. He is now in permentant care, l do feel so much better having the break from caring, he has settled well after a bad start, he is in the best place, it was so hard for me to make the decision to keep him there, l visit him every day, the home is a very happy place, all residents are so lovely, l enjoy seeing them all. Thinking of you at this very difficult time
     
  8. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Hello,
    Thanks for your comments. I know I am not alone and many others are in the same position as I am. My head tells me that OH needs to be cared for properly and I know I can't do that on my own even with a care package, as I would be alone with him for 20 hrs each day. I too feel better having had a break from caring and hope that I will soon feel better about building a life for myself.
     
  9. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    I believe my husband knows he needs a lot of care because he said as much to me whilst he was in hospital one day. However he seems to have no understanding that I can't provide that level of care at home, and most of all he misses the closeness of our relationship. I didn't visit yesterday for the first time in more than 10 weeks because I felt worn out emotionally. Today I am hoping to find him a bit more settled.
     
  10. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello bugsbunny, l play bowls 4 afternoons a week, l had to give up for 6months as l could not leave my hubby, it is very sociable. Maybe you could join some sort of club just so you have something else in your life, otherwise all you would do is visit the CH.
     
  11. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Give it time. It did take a long while for Fred to settle and you will go through all kinds of misery until he does. Remember the most heartbreaking moment for me too was when he asked why I didn't want him around any more. What answer can you give? Just try to remember that he is getting the care he needs. Best wishes.
     
  12. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Hi,
    Well I had a day off visiting yesterday. My husband had a dreadful night, pulled his bed sheets off, tore up the cardboard cover on a photograph of us on Holiday, pulled open all the drawers on his drawer unit causing TV to fall.. This damaged the tv framework. He also apparently walked into a female residents room completely naked.
    He has been removing his clothes persistently since he went into the home on Tuesday.
    I am beginning to think he is so sexually frustrated after 10 weeks away from me at night that his behaviour has become so disturbed. Not sure if this thinking makes sense but visiting today was very distressing.
     
  13. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    994
    Colchester
    Bugsbunny

    I cannot say if you will get used to it, but it will get easier, although how much easier depends on how much he settles and appears happy himself. Had to put my mum in a home because both she and my husband had dementia and I could not cope with them both. It was awful at first but she became more and more fond of the staff and settled in as much as someone with dementia can settle. I feel that for the most part she was happy but dementia can be so changeable. Please try to know that you made the right decision and bless you. xx
     
  14. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    What a strong person you must be to have been trying to care for two people with this awful disease. Thank you X
     
  15. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    Bugsbunny, I am so sorry you are having this distressing time and hope that your husband settles, but as someone said to me the other day when I was feeling guilty (sorry Scarlett) about my husband going into care - is it your fault that this happened? Any more than it would have been if he had a heart attack or contracted any other illness. Dementia is such a hard illness to deal with BUT it isn't your fault and you shouldn't feel bad that he needs more care, far more by the sound of it, than you could give him. If, as you suspect, his sexual needs are causing his frustration there must be some medication he could be given to quell the urges. x


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  16. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Hi,
    Well today was the day from hell. Our son went to visit his Dad but was shocked by what he saw. My husband was constantly removing his clothes and trying to replace them, not engaging with him at all. I went to join them to find that the community nurse was there to check blood sugars, she was convinced the home couldn't meet my husbands needs and was concerned that the staff hadn't made sure he hadn't gone too long between meals as he is diabetic. It was reported to me that during the night he had been tearing bed sheets, and his duvet, he had pulled an oil painting which was one if his compositions off the wall and destroyed a photo and frame. The nurse organised some medication to calm him down. I am distraught as is our son because my husband has spent 10 weeks being assessed in hospital and having his medication monitored, so why is he still clearly very distressed. Today he told me he knows he needs care because he can't do things for himself but doesn't want me to leave him, wants me to stay there with him.
    I feel so bad for my husband and for my son.
     
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast

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