Brought my dad home with me.

phoenixrose

Registered User
Sep 4, 2012
69
If you don't know the story here is a short version. My dad has VD and Alzhiemers, my mum was abusive to myself and my 3 siblings as children and she is now the same to my dad. He had a hernia opperation today (2nd July) and my mum refused to go to collect him so myself, my husband and my 2 youngest children had to drive an hour to collect him. Short story, he broke down saying he didn't want to go back to her, he was shaking and crying. We took him home and mum didn't even speak to him and refused to listen when I told her how to care for him after the op. Dad was so scared and upset that I grabbed his clothes, meds etc and told mum we were taking him home with us for a while. She didn't bat an eyelid. She has been saying he refuses to eat but when I offered him something he agreed, I gave him tinned spaghetti on toast and he ate it like a starving man. He is a different man, cheerful and so much more "with it", not showing half as much of his confusion as when he was at home.
The question is, what do we do now? I don't think he will go back home and we don't have room for him. He is in my daughters bed and she is on a blow up mattress on my sons bedroom floor. My son is autistic and home educated so I have my work cut out with him already. What can I do for dad now?
 
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jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,036
70
Durham
Oh how very sad, your poor dad, I am sorry i can't help but I did want you to know that I have read your post, obviously he is not welcome at his home and does not want to be there anyway, could you contact the Alzeimers society and see what they suggest ,

Best wishes Jeany x
 

Carabosse

Registered User
Jan 10, 2013
1,699
Sorry to hear about your dad, but really glad you took him out of what could have been a very awkward situation. Do you think your dad would manage in sheltered housing on his own as maybe that is something you could look into?
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
This is a very sad story.

Perhaps you could phone your Dad's SW? One thing is very clear your Dad cannot go home, but at the same time you will probably struggle to care for him at home with your other considerable committments.

You did right to bring him home with you but I really feel as though you need some input from elsewhere.

Take care

Lyn T
 

Rosie Webros

Registered User
May 8, 2013
181
Oh I think you did exactly the right thing. Your poor dad and poor you for that matter. You must have know though that you had done the right thing when your dad sat down and really enjoyed the meal that you prepared for him. That must have been so lovely to see him enjoying it like that. Its obvious that he can't go back home, but I am afraid I haven't any answers. You need professional help and I think I would ring the social workers to see if they can offer any advice. Also could the alzheimer's helpline offer any advice.

I do wish you all the best, you have such a lot to cope with at the moment.
Take care, Rosie xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,387
Kent
Hello phoenixrose

Would your dad consider a care home for respite and convalescence? You could leave out the `care home` bit and just ask if he would consider going into a convalescent home to build up his strength.

Social Services should be able to advise you.
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,511
Near Southampton
I would like to second Sylvia's suggestion.
I have read your earlier threads about your Dad and my heart ached for him.
Now he has actually said that he doesn't want to go back there, he really shouldn't.
Please don't make him go back. Poor man, it is not a safe environment for him to be in and as such he is a vulnerable person and SS whould step in and help.
 

Farmergirl

Registered User
May 24, 2011
464
Cornwall
I think you have done the right thing in the circumstances. I also think you need to chat to a SW and your dads doctor.

Having been in a similar position (my eldest teenager has Aspergers) I think you would be taking on an awful lot to have dad remain with you - and as you say, you really dont have the room.
Push social services to get a visit and explain the situation.
 

phoenixrose

Registered User
Sep 4, 2012
69
I'm going to contact ss and see if they will do anything. Dad said he will go home after a few days and see how things are. Maybe a bit of respite will do them both good.
 

Dazmum

Registered User
Jul 10, 2011
10,315
Horsham, West Sussex
Having read your earlier posts, I really don't think he should go back home. I know that's easy for me to write, but he was being neglected at home; I just don't see how that will change. Like Saffie my heart aches for him and you, he is too vulnerable to go back to your mum. Please do speak to SS and push for this opportunity for him to go somewhere safe where he can be properly taken care of. Lay it on thick that he is too vulnerable to go home to that situation. xxx
 

phoenixrose

Registered User
Sep 4, 2012
69
I've managed to get SS to organise emergency respite for him. They will contact me when he has a place. I don't know what will happen after that.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
Hi

Well done for starting the ball rolling with respite. SS's have a duty to make sure vulnerable people are safe and well so keep reminding them of this fact. The respite will allow you time to decide on a plan of action. You have done everything right so far. Your Dad is very lucky to have you.

Take care Lyn T
 

phoenixrose

Registered User
Sep 4, 2012
69
They said they will have to examine his finances. How much does it cost for this kind of council run care, on avearage, does anyone know?
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Hi, if you are talking about permanent care it depends on what money your dad has in savings etc, if he is under £14000, he shouldnt have to pay anything apart from his state pensions and any other pensions in his own right they give back £23.50 per week out of this for personal expenses, anything above £14000 up to £23000 he will have to pay a certain amount towards his care, if they have a joint account, they work out by splitting the amount jointly held in half and whatever your dads half is would be what they would work from. The same applies for respite care if on a regular basis, not sure if its emergency respite what they would do. So sorry for your situation, your poor Dad hugs for him and you (())
Ange
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,537
South Gloucs
Rather than offer practical advice I just wanted to say a big 'thank you' - kind of on behalf of your dad and vulnerable people everywhere for your wonderful compassion and care. I'm sure that wherever he goes it will be a good measure better than where he has been and I hope he will settle and be happier. Well done you - you've done totally the right thing xxxx
 

phoenixrose

Registered User
Sep 4, 2012
69
Rather than offer practical advice I just wanted to say a big 'thank you' - kind of on behalf of your dad and vulnerable people everywhere for your wonderful compassion and care. I'm sure that wherever he goes it will be a good measure better than where he has been and I hope he will settle and be happier. Well done you - you've done totally the right thing xxxx
Thank you for saying that, it's very kind of you. There are so many people in the world that would do the same but it's always nice to have someone show appreciation.