This is really just me kind of checking in.
It's been a bit of an odd week. I've been rushed off my feet at work (we had three audits in one day on Thursday!) and not really fit to do anything but collapse when I get home.
Yesterday I stopped off at the local shop on my way home from work to get some milk. On my way out of the shop I passed my brother. Seeing him shocked me. Just some context- my brother is an addict, has been sine his early teens, and I thought I'd seen everything from him that could upset me. I'm his junior by 8 years, yet I still remember a time when he was the kindest, most loving person in my family and my best friend. The drugs changed all that. I've never held it against him. There was a lot going on at the time and I think he just wasn't strong enough to face it, plus (as some may have read before in my posts) mental illness runs pretty strong through my family. Nowadays he takes pretty much anything from alcohol to I don't know what. He avoids me. The last time I saw him was a few months ago when he knocked on our door and asked for dad. He said nothing else to me.
Back to the point. He's always been thin as a rake, never eats properly, but when I saw him yesterday he was, well, bloated, his eyes unfocused. I don't think he even recognised me. And it really shocked me. He'd tied up his dog outside the shop (acquired through some friend who left it on his doorstep one day and was never seen again) and it was howling for him. Crying more like, an awful noise. My brother stuck his head back through the door and yelled at it to shut up. It didn't sound like him either.
And then I had a horrible thought. If he died I wouldn't be able to tell dad. Dad doesn't really know him now. Is that a blessing?
That's my morbid side coming through.
Then, to add to it all, my half-brother rang this afternoon. My half brother is in his mid-forties, an alcoholic and lives at some distance. The last time he visited was in the summer. It was perhaps the fifth or sixth time I have met him in my life. I think he had recently been told about dad. He came into our house roaring drunk, stinking of it, tried to start an argument with me, was over the top familiar with dad (who was bemused by it all) and eventually ended up lying in the grass in our back garden. His girlfriend, meanwhile, was profusely apologising for his behaviour. I was not impressed. Today he rang up, the only thing he said to me was "Is dad there?" twice (I see a pattern forming- I didn't even know who it was on the phone) and then proceeded to have a rather bizarre conversation with Dad. Dad got a little upset as at first my brother wouldn't tell him who he was either (or so it appeared). In the end he put his 14 year old son (whom I thought estranged from him) on the phone and the conversation turned even stranger before the boy hung up. Dad wasn't that bothered, but what my nephew thought I do not know. I don't suppose I should worry about it.
A strange fact- both my brother and half-brother share the same name. Add to that the rest and the fact that they look alike also (even with different mothers, it's sometimes hard to tell them apart in childhood photos) and it's all a bit bizarre. Yet it seems the only name amongst us siblings that dad still half-recognises. He makes an effort now to remember my name but he says it to me as if I'm a stranger. He tells people in the street I'm no relation to him even while I'm calling him dad. Yesterday he asked me if I came from England. I'm used to all that, though it makes me uncomfortable at times. I just find the whole thing sad. I suppose I should be glad that he isn't aware of the rest of it.
It's been a bit of an odd week. I've been rushed off my feet at work (we had three audits in one day on Thursday!) and not really fit to do anything but collapse when I get home.
Yesterday I stopped off at the local shop on my way home from work to get some milk. On my way out of the shop I passed my brother. Seeing him shocked me. Just some context- my brother is an addict, has been sine his early teens, and I thought I'd seen everything from him that could upset me. I'm his junior by 8 years, yet I still remember a time when he was the kindest, most loving person in my family and my best friend. The drugs changed all that. I've never held it against him. There was a lot going on at the time and I think he just wasn't strong enough to face it, plus (as some may have read before in my posts) mental illness runs pretty strong through my family. Nowadays he takes pretty much anything from alcohol to I don't know what. He avoids me. The last time I saw him was a few months ago when he knocked on our door and asked for dad. He said nothing else to me.
Back to the point. He's always been thin as a rake, never eats properly, but when I saw him yesterday he was, well, bloated, his eyes unfocused. I don't think he even recognised me. And it really shocked me. He'd tied up his dog outside the shop (acquired through some friend who left it on his doorstep one day and was never seen again) and it was howling for him. Crying more like, an awful noise. My brother stuck his head back through the door and yelled at it to shut up. It didn't sound like him either.
And then I had a horrible thought. If he died I wouldn't be able to tell dad. Dad doesn't really know him now. Is that a blessing?
That's my morbid side coming through.
Then, to add to it all, my half-brother rang this afternoon. My half brother is in his mid-forties, an alcoholic and lives at some distance. The last time he visited was in the summer. It was perhaps the fifth or sixth time I have met him in my life. I think he had recently been told about dad. He came into our house roaring drunk, stinking of it, tried to start an argument with me, was over the top familiar with dad (who was bemused by it all) and eventually ended up lying in the grass in our back garden. His girlfriend, meanwhile, was profusely apologising for his behaviour. I was not impressed. Today he rang up, the only thing he said to me was "Is dad there?" twice (I see a pattern forming- I didn't even know who it was on the phone) and then proceeded to have a rather bizarre conversation with Dad. Dad got a little upset as at first my brother wouldn't tell him who he was either (or so it appeared). In the end he put his 14 year old son (whom I thought estranged from him) on the phone and the conversation turned even stranger before the boy hung up. Dad wasn't that bothered, but what my nephew thought I do not know. I don't suppose I should worry about it.
A strange fact- both my brother and half-brother share the same name. Add to that the rest and the fact that they look alike also (even with different mothers, it's sometimes hard to tell them apart in childhood photos) and it's all a bit bizarre. Yet it seems the only name amongst us siblings that dad still half-recognises. He makes an effort now to remember my name but he says it to me as if I'm a stranger. He tells people in the street I'm no relation to him even while I'm calling him dad. Yesterday he asked me if I came from England. I'm used to all that, though it makes me uncomfortable at times. I just find the whole thing sad. I suppose I should be glad that he isn't aware of the rest of it.