brothers dont have a clue

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by benny, Mar 1, 2010.

  1. benny

    benny Registered User

    Dec 7, 2009
    Central Coast NSW
    Hi everyone been a while so thought I would drop a few lines to let you know i'm still around! my mum is coasting along at the moment, but decided last week not to take the aricept anymore as it was keeping her awake all night, so a bit dissapointed but what can I do I'm not going to force her. But over the last 3 weeks I have been slowly informing mums sister and good friends of her diagnosis, which takes some anxiety build up every time, but I got so frustrated at my brothers 2 weeks ago after ringing me for the 1st time since I rang them to tell them about mums results and keeping in mind that they live at the top end of Australia which is 3 days drive away or 1 whole day by air,they rang to see if I needed help finding mum a care home or help to sell the house!!!!! I was so taken back as she is nowhere near that stage yet,couldnt beleive it and yet they cant jump on a plane and come down to visit her any time but will come down to help sell the house, am I wrong to think that they are only thinking of a financial gain here? I am really struggling to be bothered to ring them at all anymore as they dont call me on a regular basis to see how mum is doing. An update on my progress with anti-depressants, all is going well seem to be quite relaxed for the last week or so my family cant beleive the change in me about being so layed back about not getting my housework done as I have always been padantic about it and at the moment it just doesnt seem to matter which is a little worrying, but am enjoying the moment!Sorry it's so long but to everyone who is having a horrible time lots of hugs and thoughts and a big hello to everyone look forward to talking real soon X X X Robyn;):)
  2. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    Torquay Devon

    Hiya benny, i know exactly what you mean, while i was in Bolton with my poorly mum (broken shoulder) we visited her three times a day in hospital without fail . My brother was in india for two weeks and when he came home last monday we decided to to come home for a couple of weeks. He informed me last saturday that he could only visit mum on saturday morning as it was a home game for Boltopn wanderers and he had arranged to pick up a few friends and go to the game with them, Unbelieveable !!

    You on the other hand are obviosly doing a wonderful job, best wishes, Norrms and family
  3. simonmonty

    simonmonty Registered User

    Nov 22, 2008
    Hello Robyn

    Just seems the normal with so called families nowadays. All their interested in is there own life's unless they think there is something in it for them to gain. Your going to find out who your real friends and family are over the coming time caring for your mum. I would like to say welcome to your real caring family and friends here at talking point as we know how you feel and will feel and all the problems you will have and we will try to help you along the way. Were always here when you need us. Simon :)
  4. Polly H

    Polly H Registered User

    Nov 26, 2009
    Hi folks,

    Just thought I would add my observations to this thread. Get them involved!.....i.e. be specific about something they can do and sit back and let them develop and awareness whilst do it!

    I've learnt this the hard way and wish now I had been more proactive about getting other members of the family involved. This would have developed their awareness and understanding which, in turn, would have made them more "considered" when decisions have to be taken.

    Polly H;)
  5. benny

    benny Registered User

    Dec 7, 2009
    Central Coast NSW
    thanks norms, simon and polly

    Yes I do feel like TP is a whole new family, and I think I will be here for quite awhile, but the wealth of info and insight into this illness has just blown me away I have to keep remembering my real family sitting upstairs sometimes when i prop myself in front of the computer and guess what? Solitaire has gone right out the window. And Polly you are right I dont really want to give up any contact I have with my brothers it will just take some time to get over it and yes they do have that right to know things and thankds to you I will endeavour to have a positive thought towards them now NI NIGHT talk soon x x x Robyn:p
  6. Polly H

    Polly H Registered User

    Nov 26, 2009
    Dear benny,

    Please understand, my comments were not in anyway a criticism of you. I do genuinely believe that if people are exposed to experiences it develops their understanding which, in this case, can only be to the good.

    Take care, abd sleep well.

    Polly :)
  7. Winnie Kjaer

    Winnie Kjaer Account Closed

    Aug 14, 2009
    Polly very good advise but what does abd mean?
    Sorry I was not taking the mickey, I just realised it was a typing mistake you meant and, so sorry lol!!!!!!!!
  8. Polly H

    Polly H Registered User

    Nov 26, 2009
    Hello Win & Benny,

    Sorry, typo. error. Should read "and".

    Polly H.
  9. sallyc

    sallyc Registered User

    Aug 20, 2008
    hi robyn

    hi robyn. It's so frustrating sometimes, isn't it? I've read sooo many threads on here about siblings not sharing the responsibility and the burden. In my own case, i am a full time mum to 2 young children, with a busy life, i don't "work", although i am involved in many many "projects". I share the care for my grandad with my parents. I have a sister, who i adore, but she hardly ever see's grandad. She doesn't like going, finds it hard to know what to say to him etc. I have said to her it's only going to get harder the longer she avoids it, and by being with him more, she will find it easier with time. It doesn't make any difference, though. She just won't do it. I give her every opportunity to come to his house with me so she's not on her own with him. I just wanted to say you're not alone. There's lots of us on here who feel the frustration with our siblings. Hope things work out for you. Love sal x
  10. benny

    benny Registered User

    Dec 7, 2009
    Central Coast NSW
    thanks guys

    thanx for the feedback and polly I only had positive thoughts of your comments and in no way did I consider them to be of a criticising nature.It'all good I really do appreciate comments that come from a different angle and I alwys stop and take those in and consider them! Will keep you posted on the progress.
    x x x robyn Have a great day folks!:):)
  11. Polly H

    Polly H Registered User

    Nov 26, 2009
    Hi benny,

    Good on U!... You're comments made me ;)

    I love this site.

    Polly H
  12. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I have to speak up for siblings!! My brother lives a couple of hours away from us but comes through once a week and stays overnight so that he can take mum and Bill out during the day and share some of the caring at night. He comes through to stay in our house to let Bill and I go away for a weekend and for a fortnight when we go abroad on holiday. He and his wife will come through on a Friday or Saturday if (on the odd occasion) Bill and I are going out. At the moment he is working abroad for 3 weeks and we SKYPE every night so that mum can see him on the computer. I know I'm lucky and I appreciate it. Izzy x
  13. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    I'm sure there is a useless siblings club somewhere:D

    I have to say, my sister has gone from being useless, to very understanding and helpful - she's gone from 4-5 visits a year, to weekend stays every 3rd weekend.

    It took some home truths and a very heated row which resulted in her storming out my house..... but, finally I think she realised exactly what it is like to be in my shoes of having Dad live with us.

    Best wishes to everyone who has unsupportive sibilings - there is hope... honestly;)

    Best wishes.

    Beverley x
  14. benny

    benny Registered User

    Dec 7, 2009
    Central Coast NSW
    Hi Izzy And Beverly you are so fortunate to have that sort of support, good luck to you both. I even have 1 brother who lives in the same street as my mum and still he only goes into visit sometimes once a fortnight and he actually has to dvive right by, but anyway I'm not going to go there today, but best wishes to all of you cheers X x x Robyn:p
  15. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    Hi Robyn

    It is really frustrating, especially if your brother is in the same street.

    I don't know your Mum's financial situation but what really made me irrate was that my sister had always managed to take my parents offering of money.

    The row I had with my sister was extremely bitter from my part, and I suggested to her that she should be as willing to help as she was willing to take their cash:mad:

    My parents gave us an equal lump sum of money 7 years ago, and I spent every single penny of mine towards a bigger house to bring them to live with us. My sister invested hers and to this day still has a fat lump of cash in the bank. Even with their money, I still had to double my mortgage and double the length of it to be able to afford a house big enough for us all.

    Needless to say, I spent some very angry times listening to my sister whinging on about the cost of coming to vist:mad::mad:

    I really hope you do get the support you need.

    Beverley x
  16. Sam Iam

    Sam Iam Registered User

    Sep 29, 2008
    Hi Robyn, I am from the otherside of the coin, I have one :Dbrother and one:mad:brother and the :Dbrother is brilliant whilst the :mad:brother is very angry and paranoid (totally unprofessional I know but true:eek:)and I have had to learn to let it slid off me and get on with caring for mum, althiugh I admit I do slip into anxiety mode and dont cope very well (when a review meeting is looming ). I wish you and your Mum well xx
    Take each day as it comes Robyn
  17. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    Can I join?


    I like the idea of a "useless siblings club" - and I would probably be one of the first to join!!!

    I've been told so many times that it is quite natural for one child to take responsibility and for the other(s) to let them!

    Rest assured - you are not alone!

    Take care


    Gill x
  18. benny

    benny Registered User

    Dec 7, 2009
    Central Coast NSW
    Hi Beverly

    I feel very sorry for you Beverly not being on speaking terms with your sister, I would hate it to come to that I have 4 brothers, with 3 of them interstate and the closest 1 is 5 hours drive away but I love them all to bits but yes it is very frustrating and i know it is hard for them to get time off and very expensive to travel and the brother that lives in mums street leaves early and gets home late but we all have busy lives, and someone has to find the time and make that commitment It would just help even if they researched the illness so they could understand a little bit.
    Mum and dad have never been very financial only ever living week to week, but do have a little bit leftover from the sale of their last house the sold 3 years ago and just dont know what to do with it because they are comfortable and feel they have everything they need and for years I have been trying to talk them into going on a big holiday but they just dont want to!
    The only thing I allow my mum to spend on me is our weekly cup of coffee and or lunch every thursday when I take her shopping she feels special and giving something back for QUOTE "all I do for her" . I truly hope one day you will re unite with your sister. Good luck x x xRobyn
  19. benny

    benny Registered User

    Dec 7, 2009
    Central Coast NSW
    hugs and thoughts to you Gill and Sam x x Robyn
  20. mowood

    mowood Registered User

    Dec 27, 2009
    West Yorkshire
    Hi Beverley and Gill,
    Can I nominate my brother and sister for Chairperson and deputy chairperson of the 'useless siblings club'? My sister visits mum about once a month, she said to me 'if you can't manage, put her into a care home, she should have been there ages ago anyway, don't expect me to do anything because I can't'. Quite why she can't I don't know. She lives alone, about 5 miles away, she has a car her family is grown up. My brother said ' she (mum)doesn't remember when I've been and it takes up too much of my time and I've got to think about myself'. He lives about 8 miles away, doesn't work and has a car. He hasn't seen mum since the beginning of November. No telephone call to see how she is - nothing.
    I used to get angry but now I've come to realise that you can't make people care.
    Someone once said to me that there are those that do and those that let them. Anyway, we've got our own club - TP.
    Hope you all have the best day possible. x

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