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Brother wants me to take on more care - I have had enough

Nov 29, 2020
5
0
We used to have privately arranged carers for my mum with me also visiting plus once a week visits from brother.
When covid-19 happened care was temporarily suspended as I live nearby and brother started looking after mother for a week at his home (20 miles away) with me looking after her with frequent visits to her home the other week. Brother and partner did not want care resuming in case carers give 94 year old mum covid-19 so we continued this.

Now brother and partner have had enough and think I should do more. I find it very tough. Mum told me I wasn't her daughter as her daughter is dead last week. They expect me to shower her but she refuses to do that for me and says she showered yesterday.

I have had enough but care homes are out if the question at the moment and brother doesn't want her going in care home. I am 57 but think I might die before my mother. Do others think these thoughts? My mum also scares me.

There is zero help out there so brother and me have to muddle through. Mum owns her own home and has some savings so even finding a suitable care home would be up to us.

There are no answers.

If mother does die before me I will probably disown my brother. Horrible disease isn't it.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,469
0
Dorset
If you have Lasting Power of Attorney for your Mum and feel you cannot cope with looking after her yourselves then I think you have to revert to arranging carers privately, with your Mum self funding. Depending on how much savings she has you can ask the Local authority to assess her needs and if they decide she needs carers to keep her at home then they may help with the finances
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
589
0
There are a few issues here, all quite common.
Firstly you are not obliged to provide care for your mother at all. What you are willing to do is a personal decision.
Secondly it sounds like she has some significant dementia symptoms, not knowing who you are, refusing to shower etc. These are part of her illness not spite so if you can, try to ignore them.
Thirdly, it sounds as if a considered care plan is needed rather than these ad hoc arrangements. Adult Social Services should be asked to assess her in consultation with you and your brother and that might involve carers visiting daily supported by support from you and brother, I don't of course know what she needs. In time she might need a care home and if that's what she needs, that's what she should have.
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,385
0
South coast
You can only do what you can do.

My OH is extremely vulnerable, but I have had carers coming in all this year, including through the lockdowns. The carers are extremely professional and arrive fully PPEd up. You can never entirely eliminate the risk of covid, but I think the chance of them passing it on is very small. TBH, I think it more likely that family members will bring in the virus than them.

You reach a stage with dementia when it is impossible to care for them without help and I think you have reached it. Work out what you can do and tell your brother that you cannot do any more, that you have had enough too - and stick to your guns. If she needs carers, then organise it.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,993
0
Chester
If you previously had self funded carers is just go ahead and arrange it. Areas differ but often if you are self funding SS don't get involved. It will take weeks to go via SS and will be quicker if you do it yourself.

If you brother can't cope why on earth does he expect you to.
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
71
0
i don’t know anything about uk rules, but there’s no way i could cope if she weren’t in a home, we found a really nice one, no covid cases during our strictest lock down. if none of you are coping, then you need the professional help, you can’t keep pushing each other as family members. you need to respect your own needs.
 
Nov 29, 2020
5
0
Thanks for all your replies. I don't have power of attorney, nor does brother.
Brother is adamant that mother shouldn't see anyone in case she gets covid-19. My husband's sister (a retired nurse) offered to help out but he wanted to know who she was seeing etc and that she might give mum covid-19. He won't allow hairdresser or podiatrist to visit either, though his partner does take mother to a chiropodist.

Brother never phones me but sends passive aggressive emails. I would like to talk to my mum but she left her body a few years ago.

I have contacted dementia Navigator who is going to phone me later and have requested a care assessment. I think we need a third party involved.

I feel sick at the moment due to brother stating that I have to do more and that I am about to do mother's morning visit then take her for ear vacuuming.

I have suggested to brother that they have her weekends and I do Monday - Friday. I think that is reasonable.

I just wish she would die in her sleep one night. I have been caring for her in 9ne way or another since my Dad died 15 years ago. My brother and partner moved further away six months after Dad died leaving me to keep an eye on mum. She was diagnosed with dementia 5 years ago and I think she will live to be 100 so I am half way through.

Going to try and phone the helpline now.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
556
0
You can only do what you can do.

My OH is extremely vulnerable, but I have had carers coming in all this year, including through the lockdowns. The carers are extremely professional and arrive fully PPEd up. You can never entirely eliminate the risk of covid, but I think the chance of them passing it on is very small. TBH, I think it more likely that family members will bring in the virus than them.

You reach a stage with dementia when it is impossible to care for them without help and I think you have reached it. Work out what you can do and tell your brother that you cannot do any more, that you have had enough too - and stick to your guns. If she needs carers, then organise it.

As ever, thoroughly agree with @canary here - there is probably more risk from family care unless you all isolate completely (and forgive me for assuming but it seems 99% don't or can't - and for many good reasons).
I personally wished hard and often that my brother (who is nearby to dad's care home but has never set foot in it) would do more and did more before Dad went into care but I have had to accept that he cannot do more. We all have different capacities. Your brother and his wife are clearly at their capacity, and that's fine, so are you. He will have to accept that.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,432
0
Is there anyway you can try and obtain power of attorney , it will make organising care much easier in the long run, although you said private carers have been employed . Personally, I think you need professional help and I think a care home is imminent. You are not obliged to care for anyone.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,365
0
I think that you have reached the end of the line in caring for your mother and you just need to tell your brother that. My husband and his siblings were falling out over how best to care for his mother, but after a couple of zoom meetings to clear the air they now have a plan.
It would be good if you and your brother could both agree, but please don't feel that you have to put your own health at risk just to please him. Just get carers organised, and if he disagrees it's up to him to organise something else.
You'll find lots of help and support here @Karen loves to dance .
 
Nov 29, 2020
5
0
Is there anyway you can try and obtain power of attorney , it will make organising care much easier in the long run, although you said private carers have been employed . Personally, I think you need professional help and I think a care home is imminent. You are not obliged to care for anyone.
Too late for power of attorney as mother is too far gone. It would have to be deputy ship done via Court of protection and takes a while and also costs £600 with ongoing annual costs. I couldn't really do that without consulting brother.
 

Blossom50

Registered User
Aug 22, 2016
22
0
We used to have privately arranged carers for my mum with me also visiting plus once a week visits from brother.
When covid-19 happened care was temporarily suspended as I live nearby and brother started looking after mother for a week at his home (20 miles away) with me looking after her with frequent visits to her home the other week. Brother and partner did not want care resuming in case carers give 94 year old mum covid-19 so we continued this.

Now brother and partner have had enough and think I should do more. I find it very tough. Mum told me I wasn't her daughter as her daughter is dead last week. They expect me to shower her but she refuses to do that for me and says she showered yesterday.

I have had enough but care homes are out if the question at the moment and brother doesn't want her going in care home. I am 57 but think I might die before my mother. Do others think these thoughts? My mum also scares me.

There is zero help out there so brother and me have to muddle through. Mum owns her own home and has some savings so even finding a suitable care home would be up to us.

There are no answers.

If mother does die before me I will probably disown my brother. Horrible disease isn't it.
Get in touch with your local agmiral nurses, they are a wealth of information and very experienced in all aspects of dementia from the perspective of the carers/family and the one with it. Don't leave it until it's too late. You don't deserve to live your life like this, if it doesn't kill you it will wear you down beyond recognition. I know this from personal experience. I completely understand your concern and I hear your desperation. Care homes are not the awful places they are made out to be, often it's the best choice you can make however difficult it is.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,135
0
High Peak
Your dear brother (I have a similar one...) needs to start being realistic about the situation.

Looking after your mum is too much for him and his wife and it's too much for you too. That's why she needs to move to a care home where her needs will be met 24/7.

Reading between the lines and noting your mum is self-funding, I can't help wondering if your dear brother is worried about losing his half of your mum's estate, should her money be used for care home fees. Perhaps he thinks if you muddle along between the two of you there will still be plenty of dosh left...? Apologies if that's offensive - I just don't understand his reluctance about care home - which your mum clearly needs now...
 
Nov 29, 2020
5
0
Your dear brother (I have a similar one...) needs to start being realistic about the situation.

Looking after your mum is too much for him and his wife and it's too much for you too. That's why she needs to move to a care home where her needs will be met 24/7.

Reading between the lines and noting your mum is self-funding, I can't help wondering if your dear brother is worried about losing his half of your mum's estate, should her money be used for care home fees. Perhaps he thinks if you muddle along between the two of you there will still be plenty of dosh left...? Apologies if that's offensive - I just don't understand his reluctance about care home - which your mum clearly needs now...
 
Nov 29, 2020
5
0
I have chatted to dementia Navigator who is going to talk to brother and say we both need some help from carers. Brother has now agreed to have mum Fri evening until Monday morning and I will do the remaining days. He gets less days to cover but at least I get free weekends so will give it a go. I don't think Brother is after the money, he isn't poor and doesn't have children.