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Brother Is Worried About Me Sending The Will To The Probate Office

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
2,280
0
Southampton
Hello Everyone.

After another not so good night I decided that now would be a good time to tell my brothers about my condition so I phoned my youngest brother and his partner answered and I had a good conversation with her.

I phoned my other brother who told me that the trouble with me is that I can only see things from my point of view and that I have been living here rent free. He said he was against dad going into a care home but I put him there anyway. He also accused me of lying but I had always updated him on dad's condition and I thought I had talked him round to dad being in a home.

Anyway the only thing I can do now is carry on with clearing, making plans and moving. All this and trying to keep money coming in during a pandemic. I was afraid of opening my emails but I'm not sure why I am now and I certainly won't pay them before moving because then I wouldn't be able to move.

MaNaAk
oh goodness MaNaAk im so sorry about their reaction. i did think it would happen but i hoped it wouldnt. the way and what has been said is shameful. that is so cruel after all you have done and cared for both parents but certainly your dad,they really are not worthy of your time and effort. has your youngest brother reacted yet about your condition? you need support and understanding not being accused of all sorts. oh MaNaAk this is so not fair and not the way to help you. they should be paying you for keeping the house going and in a good saleable state quite a part from all the time you cared for your dad. did they take a turn to give respite? i hope they havent made you feel guilty because there are no grounds. you did your best for both parents and should be proud of yourself. you are worth more than what hes dished out to you. please try and have a good day and not dwell on what was said.you give so much support on the forum and think of yourself last
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,219
0
Well that's charming. I was starting to warm to your older brother when he offered to help out with the clearing costs. Best to keep busy and look to the future.

I have to say that my brother is a lovely man and the only time we have ever had words was when I insisted that mum had to stay in a care home and not return home. I don't think he will ever really forgive me deep down, but he would never mention it now. I'm sorry that your brother is not supporting you when you need it. Perhaps he will apologise later.....

I think people who have never done full on close up caring just can't understand what it is really like.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,629
0
Essex
Thankyou again you two. I have noticed that this brother will say one thing one day another thing another day. I could accuse him of lying but I am not going to be that immature. I think maybe I should have found more courage to discuss these feelings with my brothers before going to a professional but when I have said that I am getting anxious I haven't always received the support.

MaNaAk

PS: Going to buy myself a nice bar of chocolate on the way back from work.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
2,280
0
Southampton
Thankyou again you two. I have noticed that this brother will say one thing one day another thing another day. I could accuse him of lying but I am not going to be that immature. I think maybe I should have found more courage to discuss these feelings with my brothers before going to a professional but when I have said that I am getting anxious I haven't always received the support.

MaNaAk

PS: Going to buy myself a nice bar of chocolate on the way back from work.
you go for it and get 2
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,628
0
South coast
Sometimes there is a case for saying as little as possible.
You are never going to get any sympathy from your younger brother, who although he claims that you are only thinking of yourself, seems to me to be the one who is doing that.
Id keep contact with him to the bare minimum.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,341
0
@manak any costs such as clearing the house, estate agent fees and solicitors fees should come out of the proceeds of the house when it is sold and before any inheritance is shared. Your brother is doing you no favours offering to share the costs because he is as responsible as you are and the three of you should share the costs. As for rent payable, your dads home was also your home and you should not be liable for rent. Your brother is just taking advantage of your good nature and should be ashamed of himself.

I despair of how some people behave when it comes to money. They should be grateful for how you looked after your dad not nit picking over such trivial things. I doubt that your brother will change.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,502
0
@MaNaAk , I know you want to keep a relationship going with your brothers, but I wonder if it is worth it. I'd be tempted to find somewhere to rent, change your phone and ask for all contact with them to be through the solicitor. They really don't understand what you did for you dad and what you are doing now.
Stay strong, you are so much more empathetic than they are.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,629
0
Essex
Thankyou all so much. This brother has managed to isolate himself from his in-laws as well and I don't trust my SIL. Mum and dad also started to doubt her. I feel sorry for my young nephews who have been isolated from the rest of the family.

I think renting is becoming a serious consideration. Also my brothers have mentioned about me paying no rent since dad went into the home! I used that time to get my finances in shape after caring! Yes I think it's not worth considering but I better put more effort into looking at flats whilst bearing in mind that I to take friends along as well!.

MaNaAk
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,210
0
Nottinghamshire
I think I’ve mentioned before that my siblings are similar to yours and we’ve had similar run ins (and accusations involving letters from solicitors). I know I was lucky because my dad foresaw it all and made provision for me and my daughters not to be left out of pocket after caring for him. I have no contact with my siblings now - it used to give me terrible indigestion thru stress when I had to arrange family get togethers with them!!

Now my parents have gone they have shown their true colours and I’m glad to be rid of them.

I think the hardest part is letting go of the hope that maybe they will someday understand the sacrifice you made and the respect your deserve for that. I have a lovely aunt who put me straight and made me see things for what they were. You are better than them @MaNaAk but they will never see that. As canary says it will be less painful in the long term to let them go. I wish things had been different but I’m learning to accept that they are selfish people and I’m better off without them.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
820
0
Lytham St Annes
Some people are very tunnelled and I think your brothers are too, they just don’t get it and never will, they both selfishly let you bare the brunt and all they see is what they will gain....you can’t win this, so it’s time to consider only you now.....big focus and push on what needs doing in the house, get it sold.....it’s got to be done and then you can finally settle in your own home.

You can do this by splitting your days and weeks up so that you get the urgent stuff sorted, carrying on with your work, etc.....it’s going to be a busy time ahead but there’s no alternative.

You can’t change their behaviour but I understand it’s disappointing and upsetting that they are not more supportive........they will never understand it.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
2,280
0
Southampton
its hard and i think you want their approval or just being a family after all there are only you and your brothers now but the saying you can choose your friends but not your family holds true. i wont compare my family situation with yours but i have no contact with my sister because she called me a liar and other nasty things and found life was better without her added stress and upset. i didnt need her approval and you dont need theirs. to stop contact is hard but with support and understanding you can do it and make a good life for yourself with people that you value around you. they will always be your brothers but dont let them make you feel bad and you neednt feel you need to tell them things that they will ignore. head up and keep going and be proud jenny
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,629
0
Essex
Thankyou all again. It's difficult dealing with invisibles and being called a liar is not only nasty but childish. Yes I've been trying to divide well I think I have to move onwards and upwards. The strange thing is was able to talk about my feelings today and also I remember the elder of my two brothers being in denial about dad's condition and dad putting host mode on most of the time he saw him.

Also @lemonbalm I bought two chocolate bars @jennifer1967's suggestion after having gone to the Coop and found special prices on Coop chocolate!

MaNaAk
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
2,280
0
Southampton
Thankyou all again. It's difficult dealing with invisibles and being called a liar is not only nasty but childish. Yes I've been trying to divide well I think I have to move onwards and upwards. The strange thing is was able to talk about my feelings today and also I remember the elder of my two brothers being in denial about dad's condition and dad putting host mode on most of the time he saw him.

Also @lemonbalm I bought two chocolate bars @jennifer1967's suggestion after having gone to the Coop and found special prices on Coop chocolate!

MaNaAk
dont blame me but well if they were bargains, what about the flapjack biscuits might as well do the job properly !
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,629
0
Essex
There's no end of bargains and I also saw one of mum's old friends who was making the most of the bargains as well.

MaNaAk
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,219
0
Thankyou all again. It's difficult dealing with invisibles and being called a liar is not only nasty but childish. Yes I've been trying to divide well I think I have to move onwards and upwards. The strange thing is was able to talk about my feelings today and also I remember the elder of my two brothers being in denial about dad's condition and dad putting host mode on most of the time he saw him.

Also @lemonbalm I bought two chocolate bars @jennifer1967's suggestion after having gone to the Coop and found special prices on Coop chocolate!

MaNaAk
Important to enjoy life's little pleasures.