Hello. I've been a TP member for a while now and been able to glean lots of information and advice through reading various links over the years.
But I now find myself needing some reassurance/guidance about the care for my mum and how best to deal with the situation with my brother who is mum's main carer. To sum it up, I believe he thinks I should feel as committed? trapped? desperate? as he does living with mum as he has done for the last 2.5 years. And as her condition worsens mainly around her being awake half the night, he's projecting his aggressive outbursts of anger onto me that I don't do enough; not there enough; don't care enough etc, etc. I've made it clear that this attitude and behaviour towards me is upsetting and causing me stress and anxiety. We have 2 other siblings who do nothing.
I think he wants me to 'admit' I've withdrawn help rather than him facing up to the fact that he doesn't want/can't do this anymore. I have emotionally had to 'put it down' while trying to deal with my own life as a woman in her 50s trying to raise my 2 children on my own; contending with the menopause; and now trying to find another job to support myself for the next 12 years til I can retire. After 10 years as a carer in one form or another looking after my mum before my brother was around, both my in-laws with dementia, all this while my husband was dying from cancer, I've done my share of caring, and I would never have offered to do what he is doing. I still visit, do sitting, shopping, showering and made it clear he only has to ask if he needs me to do anything else. But I would rather be the daughter who visits for quality time not the additional carer. I've offered him weekends away on his own, sleep-over sitting, time out for his own interests (which he has taken up again with paid carers in), but he still keeps having a go at me - I try to remind myself it's out of exhaustion and frustration that he understandably just wants to get on with his life (he's in his 50s), but I worry for his mental health.
When they initially began living together (at his suggestion) he was quite open that he expected to be doing it for 18 months. I've made it clear to him that he doesn't have to do it anymore, that he can leave, or that paid carers could take his place around the clock. But I really do believe as do the managers I've spoken with at her respite home, that mum should go into full time care where there would be other people around, activities and more stimulation for her. Mum has a care package through social services and I've asked for a few more weeks additional respite allowance to be added to her CP to give him more breaks but looks as though they want to do a whole review of mental capacity and assessment during respite. I believe they are actually thinking she should be in F/T care too.
I guess things will take their course but in the meantime how do I deal with the unpredictability of the verbal attacks towards me whilst trying to visit mum, and co-operate together to care for her? Sorry for the ranting :/
But I now find myself needing some reassurance/guidance about the care for my mum and how best to deal with the situation with my brother who is mum's main carer. To sum it up, I believe he thinks I should feel as committed? trapped? desperate? as he does living with mum as he has done for the last 2.5 years. And as her condition worsens mainly around her being awake half the night, he's projecting his aggressive outbursts of anger onto me that I don't do enough; not there enough; don't care enough etc, etc. I've made it clear that this attitude and behaviour towards me is upsetting and causing me stress and anxiety. We have 2 other siblings who do nothing.
I think he wants me to 'admit' I've withdrawn help rather than him facing up to the fact that he doesn't want/can't do this anymore. I have emotionally had to 'put it down' while trying to deal with my own life as a woman in her 50s trying to raise my 2 children on my own; contending with the menopause; and now trying to find another job to support myself for the next 12 years til I can retire. After 10 years as a carer in one form or another looking after my mum before my brother was around, both my in-laws with dementia, all this while my husband was dying from cancer, I've done my share of caring, and I would never have offered to do what he is doing. I still visit, do sitting, shopping, showering and made it clear he only has to ask if he needs me to do anything else. But I would rather be the daughter who visits for quality time not the additional carer. I've offered him weekends away on his own, sleep-over sitting, time out for his own interests (which he has taken up again with paid carers in), but he still keeps having a go at me - I try to remind myself it's out of exhaustion and frustration that he understandably just wants to get on with his life (he's in his 50s), but I worry for his mental health.
When they initially began living together (at his suggestion) he was quite open that he expected to be doing it for 18 months. I've made it clear to him that he doesn't have to do it anymore, that he can leave, or that paid carers could take his place around the clock. But I really do believe as do the managers I've spoken with at her respite home, that mum should go into full time care where there would be other people around, activities and more stimulation for her. Mum has a care package through social services and I've asked for a few more weeks additional respite allowance to be added to her CP to give him more breaks but looks as though they want to do a whole review of mental capacity and assessment during respite. I believe they are actually thinking she should be in F/T care too.
I guess things will take their course but in the meantime how do I deal with the unpredictability of the verbal attacks towards me whilst trying to visit mum, and co-operate together to care for her? Sorry for the ranting :/
