Broken relationship

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by suze, Feb 16, 2017.

  1. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
    Hi
    I don't know what heading to give this. My husband yesterday tried to open the car door on the M25 and I yelled at him. I later apologised and tried to explain why I shouted but he swore at me and didn't speak all the way home.
    Today he has hurt me with lots of small things, as he has all week, and I burst into tears and asked why he hurt me so much.
    He always turns everything round to him and how He is hurt and has just told me that I tried to open the door on the motorway, not him!!! I can't reason with him, his view of life is distorted.
    I said I should phone cpn to get help and he told me if I did that he would walk out!
    I don't know what to do. I have no support.
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,584
    Merseyside
    How scary re the car door. My dad did that once & I made him sit in the back with the child locks on after that.
     
  3. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,206
    I take it, he's already known to the CPN.
    Phone them when you can talk freely, you do need help.
    Keep a diary of his moods and actions.
    If he gets, or seriously threatens violence, to you or himself, phone 999 for the Police.

    Bod
     
  4. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,162
    Female
    Dundee
    I agree with Cat and Bod.

    A number of my friends have had their husbands sit in the back in case they open the car doors. I got a special child lock thing for the seatbelt as my husband was fond of un-clicking the seatbelt as we were driving along.

    As Bod says, you should certainly phone the police if you feel under threat. I know they are used to responding to this kind of thing with people who have dementia. Again a couple of my friends have had to do this and they were treated with great respect and kindness by the officers who attended. It also meant that a report was done so they were flagged up as vulnerable people at the police/social work meetings.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,146
    Female
    South coast
    #5 canary, Feb 16, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2017
    Agree with all the above.
    May I also say that its really common (and really annoying) for people with dementia to say that it wasnt them that did something - it was you :eek::mad::rolleyes:

    PS - no, you cant reason with dementia, it is simply impossible, so dont even try (sigh)
     
  6. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

    How very scary, Suze.

    Goodness, you have been on this forum for a long time - I noticed your join date. You have been through this with more than one person, haven't you? That's terribly sad. I've been through it with two.
     
  7. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
    relationships, tempers, cars....

    Thank you Tara. Yes, my mother had Lewy Body dementia and this forum was my saviour as I knew little about dementia....I know an awful lot now - even sat with dementia patients when I worked for Crossroads - but it doesn't help when close to home and the person still looks the same. I can't get it into my head that my husband is not rational.
    Psychiatrist today has suggested putting him back on the 10mg of Donepizil (reduced to 5mg a month ago because of low pulse and he has gone downhill so much since then). I am seeking to get either another carer's assessment in place or some other advice.

    Thank you x
     
  8. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
    scary behaviour

    Thank you everyone. I don't think he would get violent - but you never know as he has always had a simmering temper...
    I can cope so long as the mood is OK but am going to get myself some help this time
     
  9. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
    car locks

    That's great idea if he would sit in the back - but too difficult. Have to find a way of locking the car doors when we are inside...!
     
  10. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    7,017
    Suffolk
    Central locking?
     
  11. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
    central locking

    Yes, I think that is the way....
     
  12. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,082
    Brazil
    I used to give my mum something to fiddle while I was driving.


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  13. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,162
    Female
    Dundee
    My car's child locks are only on the back doors. You can only lock the front ones so that someone outside can't open them. It's always possible to open the front doors from inside.

    Distraction worked quite well for us too. If my husband had something to my occupy his hands he tended to leave the doors alone.
     
  14. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
    good idea

    Thank you Izzy - my car doors are the same! I have wing mirrors which come in when centrally locked too - not useful for driving! I can't quite think what Jack ought to have in his hands....and he tried to open the door in confusion when we woke up....I will have a think though
    xx



     
  15. Oh Knickers

    Oh Knickers Registered User

    Nov 19, 2016
    500
    A couple of suggestions. On my car, I can lock the doors from the inside. And I can lock the front passenger door individually. There is a little knob to flick just by the door handle. I also have a knob to flick on the driver's door which locks all doors. Just in case your husband refuses the back seat.

    Secondly, sibling gave our father lengths of material to fiddle with - velvet, different colour and textures. Don't know whether your husband needs or, indeed, will accept fiddle fabric or a fiddle bag. But worth trying?

    Best of luck.
     
  16. Sammyjo1

    Sammyjo1 Registered User

    Jul 8, 2014
    194
  17. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
    thanks

    Thanks but I don't think my Ford Fiesta has those. I have gone through manual and there is nothing to suggest front doors can be locked from inside....sigh...
    Ironically my knitting group knits twiddle muffs for those with dementia - but usually women and a tad further down the line than Jack....[ xx


    QUOTE=Oh Knickers;1382616]A couple of suggestions. On my car, I can lock the doors from the inside. And I can lock the front passenger door individually. There is a little knob to flick just by the door handle. I also have a knob to flick on the driver's door which locks all doors. Just in case your husband refuses the back seat.

    Secondly, sibling gave our father lengths of material to fiddle with - velvet, different colour and textures. Don't know whether your husband needs or, indeed, will accept fiddle fabric or a fiddle bag. But worth trying?

    Best of luck.[/QUOTE]
     
  18. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,504
    Female
    Near Southampton
    Both men and women like to fiddle with their hands and they also use these muffs.
    I don't think it matters how far along on the dementia road someone might be, if it helps it is surely worth trying.
    All my car doors lock automatically a few seconds after I move and the release button to open them is on the driver's door.
     
  19. suze

    suze Registered User

    Oct 12, 2006
    62
    Sussex
  20. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,082
    Brazil
    I used to give my purse to my mum hold. However, later, it was a big mess to get everything back inside


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     

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