Bringing mum home from CH

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Girlonthehill, Aug 16, 2015.

  1. Girlonthehill

    Girlonthehill Registered User

    Jan 1, 2015
    32
    Dorset
    Has anyone ever brought a loved home from a care home and how did it go? Mum has been in a nice CH since April. Her general health has improved dramatically and they say she is settled and happy most of the time. The problem is that when dad and I go in to visit as soon as she see us she starts to cry and says how awful it is. This has been going on for weeks and weeks. All we get is how terrible the food, she is lonely, can't sleep, won't go to bed, too frightened.
    Now... I know this is not all true, not reality true, although maybe true in her head but dad can't see that. All he sees is that we are paying almost £4000 a month an
    D she is unhappy and frightened. He is refusing to pay any more money ( we are self funding) to keep her there and for her to be unhappy.
    I can see she is manipulative but my god it has worked and he wants her home asap.

    I have no idea how to do this, how she will react, if she will settle or not. I have talked it through with the CH manager who says it is not a good idea but they cannot stop us from taking her out.
    Her general health is great but she has Lewy body which makes her angry and aggressive.
    I guess my best hope is that she won't settle and he will see and remember what it was like for him before she went in cos it was awful! Then she will,have to go back to CH
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,485
    Female
    London
    Please try with all your might to convince your dad not to bring her home. She is settled. He needs to understand that her behaviour is very typical of a lot of people in care homes. Whether a visit reminds them of the outside world or whether they just try to make their relatives feel bad, I don't know, but it doesn't change the fact that she is ok there when you guys are not around. She is in the best possible place and bringing her home will not necessarily make her happier, in fact it will stress everyone out. I assume she has lost capacity. Whether you have POA or not, any decision about where she lives should be a best interest decision - not one being made through guilt.
     
  3. cerridwen

    cerridwen Registered User

    Dec 29, 2012
    99
    Gloucestershire
    Girlonthehill

    Please think about this very carefully before bringing Mum home. It is quite common that a person may be quite settled in a care home but present a different face to visiting loved ones with the intention of wanting to come home. You need to consider the best interests of both parents and their best interests might not be what they want.

    Could you contact the Alzheimers Society to see if there is a dementia adviser in your area? They could have a chat with your Dad and try to talk to him about what's going on and explain what the implications of Mum coming home are likely to be. Or if not a dementia adviser, what about you, or another family member your Dad will trust, or his GP? If she is going to come home he is going to need help to take care of her, carers, home helps and the like.

    Good luck

    Cerridwen
     
  4. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    171
    Yorkshire
    Very good advice there from Cerridwen. My guess there is a lot of looking back with the old rose-coloured glasses. Dad needs reminding that all dementias are deteriorating conditions. This will I feel be the shortest return in history and so disturbing for Mum overall.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,319
    Female
    South coast
    The other problem is that if she is brought home and your dad then realises that he cant, in fact, look after her, the place in the care home will probably be gone and it will be some time before another one comes up. Alternatively she may have to go to another home. So many changes are really disruptive to someone with dementia and it could take some time for her to settle again.
     
  6. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    979
    Colchester
    Bringing mum home

    I don't think bringing her home will be the answer. There is no rhyme nor reason to dementia. As I write this my husband is going on about the other people in the house and what they say and what he has to do because they tell him. I cannot convince him that they are not real.. He is pacing about worrying about these other people and what he has to do. We bought my mum home for Christmas on the first one after she went into a home. Just for the day. It went quite well although she was very rude about her presents and threw them on the floor. Then a bit later she started saying she wished she was dead. We found it very difficult and never bought her home again.The thing with dementia is that the person that has it ,hates change or anything different.Please think long and hard about this. I feel you should leave her there and accept that it is the best place for her however difficult for the family.I wish you the best.x
     
  7. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    1,039
    Hereford
    The simple answer to your question is: yes, I did. Only you and your Father can answer the questions. Do you understand the full ramifications of caring for someone at home? Do you have the staying power, patience, willpower, determination and understanding it requires to care for in one's home. For me there was no going back, it was all the way. There was no time for anyone else in my life, it was 24/7, washing, cooking, cleaning etc, etc. year on year. I chose to do it 'my way' on my own.

    There must be many people who have managed with the correct type of support and help. Maybe I was lucky in that I did not require to be trained in how to lift my wife in and out of bed and how to use a hoist in and around the home in the final years. Nor did I need to be 'trained' in how to look after my wife.

    With a little luck you may receive some positive feed back for those who were successful in brining their loved one home. I wish you the very best in what ever you decide.
     

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