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Breakdown of family relationships

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Goingbald

Registered User
Feb 1, 2021
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One of the problems I feel caused by Covid, is I visit my mother the same, I regard her as being in my " bubble", but because of the restrictions,feel I should not take her for a drive, or bring her to my house, because of the latest restrictions. So I feel my care is just not as good as it was pre Covid.
As soon as it is lifted, I will be driving her all over, it stimulates her (in a good way,lol)so much...
Do you see an event that will change this situation?.
I ask as the relationship between my elder sister and myself is so broken.
I feel guilt, but also have so much anger.
I tell myself I don't care, I don't love her any more, because of her actions,but then the guilt that I have become such a horrible person, to think that of a fellow human being, makes me feel so miserable, and sad, and then there is the pretence to my mother that nothing has happened. Although she is aware, I try to never say anything.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
720
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One of the problems I feel caused by Covid, is I visit my mother the same, I regard her as being in my " bubble", but because of the restrictions,feel I should not take her for a drive, or bring her to my house, because of the latest restrictions. So I feel my care is just not as good as it was pre Covid.
As soon as it is lifted, I will be driving her all over, it stimulates her (in a good way,lol)so much...
Yes you're right, the current law does restrict some things. Absurdly going for a drive although harmless isn't a reasonable excuse for not being at home, unless you could convince a court that there was some good reason that made it necessary. Similarly exercise is allowed but outdoor leisure isn't so no taking your grandma to admire the scenery ( unless you make her climb the hill to see it!).

I don't see why you should not bring your mum to your home if for example you can give her care and assistance there that you can't in her own home. I doubt that there are many such situations though. If her boiler broke down you could bring her to your house for a shower but you can't do it just to be sociable and enjoy tea and scones.
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
197
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My sister got back in touch after 2 weeks.
The first line of her e-mail referenced a bit of gossip about a mutual friend.
The second was 3 words: "How is daddy?"

I'm not inclined to hurry my response after 2 weeks of hell...
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
3,209
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I don't know. I think i would be tempted to respond straight away with a chatty email obviously including a lot about your Dad but with other things too. She may be reaching out to you and you could use this opportunity to move forward. Just a thought .
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
197
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I don't know. I think i would be tempted to respond straight away with a chatty email obviously including a lot about your Dad but with other things too. She may be reaching out to you and you could use this opportunity to move forward. Just a thought .
I need to reply when I'm feeling less angry towards her, but thank you
 

MeSan

New member
Feb 17, 2021
6
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I know caring for my mum the best possible help I can get is people stepping in to give me a break (respite care), which is absolutely still allowed during lockdown and can be by friends, family or carers. This is probably what your family are asking for in a round about way. The words from the gov.uk website are "This means that you can arrange with family or friends for someone else to provide the care you normally provide to the person you care for, to enable you to take a break. This includes someone coming into the home of the person you care for, which can be overnight. It also means the person you care for can go to someone else’s home to receive care to give you a break from caring, which can also be overnight. In all these examples, the arrangement must be reasonably necessary for the purpose of respite care being provided for the person being cared for."

I have a child under 2 and my sister has a 4 year old and she is a couple of hours away, and if I need a break my sister will take my mum for a couple of weeks. This depends on if she's mobile. If not, she would and stay in my house so I can have a break at the weekends. It is possible to provide physical care and stay with, but it depends on if this is a solution you can work out as a family.
 

MeSan

New member
Feb 17, 2021
6
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Yes you're right, the current law does restrict some things. Absurdly going for a drive although harmless isn't a reasonable excuse for not being at home, unless you could convince a court that there was some good reason that made it necessary. Similarly exercise is allowed but outdoor leisure isn't so no taking your grandma to admire the scenery ( unless you make her climb the hill to see it!).

I don't see why you should not bring your mum to your home if for example you can give her care and assistance there that you can't in her own home. I doubt that there are many such situations though. If her boiler broke down you could bring her to your house for a shower but you can't do it just to be sociable and enjoy tea and scones.
You absolutely can if it is respite care. See my post above.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
720
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You absolutely can if it is respite care. See my post above.
Yes that's true, I get hot under the collar when I read in the media or government statements that say there are only five reasons to not be at home, there are many more.
 

Goingbald

Registered User
Feb 1, 2021
11
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I'm waiting for Monday, if there is any easing up of restrictions then I am going to take her out again, if I get stopped I will lie, I've decided.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
720
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I'm waiting for Monday, if there is any easing up of restrictions then I am going to take her out again, if I get stopped I will lie, I've decided.
If your mum is over 70 you can take her out for exercise, e.g. a walk somewhere pleasant. Remember there are no travel restrictions in England. If you drove 350 miles to a park for exercise people might not believe that exercise really was your purpose so be reasonable, but it is absolutely ok to take her out for a walk. If questions were to be asked you are providing care and assistance to a vulnerable person as explicitly permitted in the regulations, and there is no legal requirement to stay close to home. No need to break the law, no need to lie.
 

Goingbald

Registered User
Feb 1, 2021
11
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If your mum is over 70 you can take her out for exercise, e.g. a walk somewhere pleasant. Remember there are no travel restrictions in England. If you drove 350 miles to a park for exercise people might not believe that exercise really was your purpose so be reasonable, but it is absolutely ok to take her out for a walk. If questions were to be asked you are providing care and assistance to a vulnerable person as explicitly permitted in the regulations, and there is no legal requirement to stay close to home. No need to break the law, no need to lie.
Thank you, actually my mum can not walk very far, so I take a push chair, encourage her to walk a little bit, then push her.
Today I took her to the nearby coast, it was bloody freezing,lol.
quick push, quick walk, then drank tea from a flask in the car, it was a good day.
 

Goingbald

Registered User
Feb 1, 2021
11
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Well tonight was, err, different.
The reason my sister and I fell out was because, my brother in law, accused me of stealing from my mother, they never asked me what the small cash withdrawals were for, they just assumed I had stolen .
My response was to say I will have nothing to do with my mum's money, so they could not accuse me again.
I have no access to her money, I just buy the things for her as a gift, I'm not going to demand small amounts of money.I
My mum's card doesn't even work, I told my sister last year.
Tonight, my mum was going on about her bank statements, so I found her latest, and then when I read it.......oh h..
£250. Cash withdrawl, £100 garage withdrawl..£50 cash here there and everywhere, and all the payments for the normal things, supermarkets, health payments..
I am so angry.....
I was accused of stealing, but they can withdraw what they want..
I do not think they are stealing(unlike what they thought of me), but how angry I am over them doing what I did, with more money, and the urge to just accuse them is so tempting.
******...
But today I had a good day with my mum, so I am going to hold it in, and probably lose more hair.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
720
0
Thank you, actually my mum can not walk very far, so I take a push chair, encourage her to walk a little bit, then push her.
Today I took her to the nearby coast, it was bloody freezing,lol.
quick push, quick walk, then drank tea from a flask in the car, it was a good day.
It is one of the cruel absurdities of the current regulations that you can go out for exercise but not for leisure. Someone who is being pushed in a wheelchair isn't exercising so has no grounds for not being at home. In this case she does some exercise so is probably on the right side of the law. In theory if A pushes B along the road in a wheelchair just for a "walk", the wheelchair user is breaking the law, because they cannot claim to be out for exercise so don't have a reasonable excuse for leaving home. The person pushing is on the right side of the law because he or she is (a) exercising, and (b) giving care and assistance to a vulnerable person. Another bit of legislative stupidity!
 

Jaded'n'faded

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Jan 23, 2019
1,354
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High Peak
It is one of the cruel absurdities of the current regulations that you can go out for exercise but not for leisure. Someone who is being pushed in a wheelchair isn't exercising so has no grounds for not being at home. In this case she does some exercise so is probably on the right side of the law. In theory if A pushes B along the road in a wheelchair just for a "walk", the wheelchair user is breaking the law, because they cannot claim to be out for exercise so don't have a reasonable excuse for leaving home. The person pushing is on the right side of the law because he or she is (a) exercising, and (b) giving care and assistance to a vulnerable person. Another bit of legislative stupidity!
I really don't think this is the case. How do you decide if a walk in the park is leisure or exercise? The law does not say 'if you can't walk under your own steam you must remain indoors.'

I also don't think any government can deny anyone 'a bit of fresh air' - it is exercise for the lungs after all.

I think a person in a wheelchair is as entitled to a walk in the park as much as anyone else. The fact that it may be a push in the park rather than a walk is not a distinction anyone is going to make.
 

Seaholly

Registered User
Oct 12, 2020
62
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Is that correct? People in wheelchairs can still take exercise, even if they are not self-propelling. They can do breathing exercises; they can move their arms and they can park up and do some wheelchair yoga (which could be anything really!)
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,191
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Southampton
exercising the mind by stimulation i think. and probably make them tired with fresh air. i think it said exercise but didnt stipulate what form of exercise
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
720
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I really don't think this is the case. How do you decide if a walk in the park is leisure or exercise? The law does not say 'if you can't walk under your own steam you must remain indoors.'

I also don't think any government can deny anyone 'a bit of fresh air' - it is exercise for the lungs after all.

I think a person in a wheelchair is as entitled to a walk in the park as much as anyone else. The fact that it may be a push in the park rather than a walk is not a distinction anyone is going to make.
I suspect you are making a judgement about what you think is right, not about what is lawful under the current health protection regulations. There are around 17 reasons for lawfully leaving home. One is exercise. Leisure and fresh air are not on the list. I think it is pretty obvious that being wheeled in a chair by someone else isn't exercise.
Now, it might be possible to argue that a wheelchair user had an unlisted reasonable excuse for not being at home, but I think that would be difficult as there wouldn't be any substantial reason to put to the court.
A walk in a park is exercise, sitting on a park bench is leisure, to answer your first point. Exercise is physical activity. You may think that the government can't deny us fresh air but that's exactly what they have done, unless you have a garden. The slogan is "stay home".
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,354
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High Peak
I suspect you are making a judgement about what you think is right, not about what is lawful under the current health protection regulations. There are around 17 reasons for lawfully leaving home. One is exercise. Leisure and fresh air are not on the list. I think it is pretty obvious that being wheeled in a chair by someone else isn't exercise.
Now, it might be possible to argue that a wheelchair user had an unlisted reasonable excuse for not being at home, but I think that would be difficult as there wouldn't be any substantial reason to put to the court.
A walk in a park is exercise, sitting on a park bench is leisure, to answer your first point. Exercise is physical activity. You may think that the government can't deny us fresh air but that's exactly what they have done, unless you have a garden. The slogan is "stay home".
I'm sorry but that's complete rubbish.

Of course, if you've seen people being pushed in wheelchairs getting arrested for breaking the law or people having to keep windows closed because the government has denied them fresh air, perhaps you'd like to tell us about it?

As for, 'A walk in a park is exercise, sitting on a park bench is leisure' - I suspect that is your judgement - it is certainly not mine, nor is it enshrined in law.
 

Alzheimer's Society

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Apr 6, 2009
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www.alzheimers.org.uk
We would like to kindly ask members to be mindful of their tone please. The starter of this thread is entitled to help and support from the community and we all have a responsibility towards that. Thank you.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
720
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I'm sorry but that's complete rubbish.

Of course, if you've seen people being pushed in wheelchairs getting arrested for breaking the law or people having to keep windows closed because the government has denied them fresh air, perhaps you'd like to tell us about it?

As for, 'A walk in a park is exercise, sitting on a park bench is leisure' - I suspect that is your judgement - it is certainly not mine, nor is it enshrined in law.
Interpretation of statutory instruments does not depend on who has been seen to be arrested, and the police do not determine guilt or innocence or decide the law.

Currently the law is that we may leave our homes for exercise. Exercise obviously means physical exertion of some sort. We are not allowed to leave home for leisure purposes such as going for a ride, sightseeing, or getting "fresh air" ( which is available by opening a window without leaving home). This most certainly is enshrined in law. Have you studied the current regulations?

According to the "road map" we will be able to enjoy outdoor leisure soon, but the legislation for that has yet to be published.

These may be considered pernickerty points but it does matter that people understand what they are allowed to do. The regulations are complex and a difficult read, I try to help other members who may have spent less time than I have reading statutory instruments to keep providing care for their family members without falling foul of these regulations.
 
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