Bowing Out

[theunknown]

Thanks so much to everyone. I really do mean it when I say that finding this website enabled me to negotiate the path my mum was on for the last five years in a way I know I could never have done without it. It let me see how many people care about others, even though they don't know them, and they're going through their own horrible experiences. The site enabled me to get through mine and my mum's new 'normal'. I probably sounded a bit sorry for myself yesterday, but I reiterate that if people start their own thread they will always get a response on here. I agree with Andrew, above, that we all go through common experiences in very individual ways. A thing that has always stuck in my head from my Samaritan training (haven't volunteered with them for a long time, so nobody needs to worry they'll get me on the end of the phone ) was when we were told to never say to a caller, "I know what you're going through" when we may have been through a similar situation. No, we don't, every individual is unique, and we can't place ourselves in somebody else's shoes. In a way it negates the individual experience by replacing it with how you felt.

But on here we do have one thing in common,the dementia/Alzheimers. Horrible as everything has been, I do think what happened to my mum has had some sort of positive effect on me. What this experience has taught me is to also be less quick to jump to conclusions and be less judgmental, because I don't know what's going on with someone. I just want tomorrow (the funeral) to be over and be through to Wednesday. Then I'll get on with probate. At least it'll only be about practical stuff, not emotions. Yes, my mum dying is a relief in a horrible way, but I know many on here will understand that. I've recommended this site to quite a few people over the last few years, and I'll certainly continue to look at it. It's been invaluable.

 

[jugglingmum]

I saw your thread last night and didn't get a chance to comment.

I'm sorry for your loss, but pleased she is free of this illness.

I hope the funeral goes well today and enables you to celebrate your mum's life.

I haven't been about much over the last couple of weeks, pressures of work combined with family juggling.

Unlike @Andrew_McP I do try and comment on people's loss whether on their own thread or a comment on someone else's - first time I think I've read some of his eloquent writing and had a different opinion.

I think that however much you want someone released from their confusion and suffering it is still the final farewell that needs to be acknowledged and until we get there we never know if we will feel relief or be distraught with grief, I hope the former will aply but it might not.

 

[Bunpoots]

I hope the funeral goes well today @theunknown

 

[theunknown]

Thanks again to everybody on here. I wanted to skip from Monday to Wednesday without having to go through today. My mum's death was a relief but I was dreading seeing her funeral. I just couldn't imagine the idea that this would be happening. As it was, it turned out be a lovely day in its own way. It took place in Sheffield, where most of my very small remaining family live, and it was really nice to spend time with them because it doesn't happen often. It was a very simple funeral. The only thing I was certain of chosing was a woven (in this case wicker) casket, because of a remark she made years and years ago. Other than that I knew nothing about any wishes she might have had, which is why I kept it simple. I didn't even know whether my mum still had religious beliefs. But it turned out the simplicity of the service made it a good experience - for me, at least, as I don't know if others may have preferred religion to be involved.

There were only about 15 of us in attendence, but the chapel (which seats I think about 45) still seemed an intimate setting. The officiant, who I'd talked to over the phone, spoke in a way that made it seem like he had known my mum and made the whole thing a really positive experience. Even when he brought up a couple of things I'd forgotten I'd mentioned, and was slightly embarrassed about when they came up, eg the fact that she could be very stubborn and was a forceful character , came across in a way that I felt people would be thinking, 'Yes, that was Esme'.

 

[Izzy]

That sounds just perfect @theunknown. I’m
glad the day has gone as you wished it to. Wishing you continued strength for the days and weeks to come.

 

[Fishgirl]

Thanks again to everybody on here. I wanted to skip from Monday to Wednesday without having to go through today. My mum's death was a relief but I was dreading seeing her funeral. I just couldn't imagine the idea that this would be happening. As it was, it turned out be a lovely day in its own way. It took place in Sheffield, where most of my very small remaining family live, and it was really nice to spend time with them because it doesn't happen often. It was a very simple funeral. The only thing I was certain of chosing was a woven (in this case wicker) casket, because of a remark she made years and years ago. Other than that I knew nothing about any wishes she might have had, which is why I kept it simple. I didn't even know whether my mum still had religious beliefs. But it turned out the simplicity of the service made it a good experience - for me, at least, as I don't know if others may have preferred religion to be involved.

There were only about 15 of us in attendence, but the chapel (which seats I think about 45) still seemed an intimate setting. The officiant, who I'd talked to over the phone, spoke in a way that made it seem like he had known my mum and made the whole thing a really positive experience. Even when he brought up a couple of things I'd forgotten I'd mentioned, and was slightly embarrassed about when they came up, eg the fact that she could be very stubborn and was a forceful character , came across in a way that I felt people would be thinking, 'Yes, that was Esme'.

So glad the day wasn’t as daunting as you’d feared, it’s always hard when it’s someone so close to you. You described it so well,I could just imagine it, sounded perfect.xx

 

[Bikerbeth]

I am glad that the day went as well as it could and that there was also the positive of seeing family you had not seen for a long time. Wishing you some calm now

 

[Pete1]

Hi @theunknown, please accept my late condolences on your Mum's passing. I'm glad that the funeral went as you wished, the lead up certainly can be an emotional time. I wish you all the best.