Bouts of Severe Confusion

[missie56]

Mum lives in sheltered accommodation and has vascular dementia. She has severe bouts of confusion often ringing me to find our where my step father is. He passed away last year. It is almost like the last six months since he passed away dont exist. She went round the building where she lives earlier this evening looking for him and the other residents told her to ring me. It is very distressing for her when I tell her that he has passed away. Just so hard day after day to keep having to tell her

 

[Beate]

Mum lives in sheltered accommodation and has vascular dementia. She has severe bouts of confusion often ringing me to find our where my step father is. He passed away last year. It is almost like the last six months since he passed away dont exist. She went round the building where she lives earlier this evening looking for him and the other residents told her to ring me. It is very distressing for her when I tell her that he has passed away. Just so hard day after day to keep having to tell her

I would be best if you could stop telling her distressing facts. Tell her love lies instead, that he will be back soon or is at work or whatever. Each time you remind her you are making her grieve all over again, and that won't help anyone.

 

[missie56]

I would be best if you could stop telling her distressing facts. Tell her love lies instead, that he will be back soon or is at work or whatever. Each time you remind her you are making her grieve all over again, and that won't help anyone.

I find that an interesting reponse. This is really hard as i have never dealt with anything like this before and of course i want the best for her. Could I have feedback from others as to whether this would be the right approach. I really want to do what is best for her

 

[RobinH]

Bad News

Hi

I have to agree that to constantly give a person with dementia the same bad news time and time again is unneccessary torture. Normal grief has a beginning, a middle and an end, but because she can't remember any of that, you are putting her through the initial shock time and time again. It's a mistake most of us have made, and most of us have learned not to repeat. You don't always have to lie - sometimes a diversion or vague comment is enough - but absolutely, say what will make her suffering as little as possible.

Robin

 

[Lindy50]

Hi missie

I would agree with Beate's approach in general....but what would concern me is whether your mum is mostly alone when she is confused? Does she have any support on a regular basis? Ideally, I wouldn't want only to prevent her being distressed, it would be good to know she has positive experiences too

You could look at the fact sheets on this site for information, or are there any short courses locally you could attend, to find out more?

All the best, it sounds like you are doing a great job

Lindy xx

 

[missie56]

Thanks for your responses and I see what you are ssying. I am taking her to the memory clinic tomorrow so will chat with the doctor too.

 

[Witzend]

I find that an interesting reponse. This is really hard as i have never dealt with anything like this before and of course i want the best for her. Could I have feedback from others as to whether this would be the right approach. I really want to do what is best for her

Yes, many of us have found this the kindest way. When my FIL first started asking where MIL was (she had been dead several years) we didn't realise at first that he would never remember that she had died. He was dreadfully upset to be told the truth - he cried - only to forget and ask again later. So we started saying she had just gone to the shops, or to see Auntie So and So. And he'd be quite happy - and he never once remembered that we'd said much the same before.
Later I used similar 'love lies' with my mother, when at over 90 she started asking about her parents, and wanting to go and see them.

 

[missie56]

Hi missie

I would agree with Beate's approach in general....but what would concern me is whether your mum is mostly alone when she is confused? Does she have any support on a regular basis? Ideally, I wouldn't want only to prevent her being distressed, it would be good to know she has positive experiences too
You could look at the fact sheets on this site for information, or are there any short courses locally you could attend, to find out more?
All the best, it sounds like you are doing a great job

Lindy xx

We give mum as much support as we can. I have to work some days so makes it more difficult. She does get out and about as we have friends who take her out and I am very grateful to them. The confusion normally happens when she is tired in the evenings x x

 

[canary]

That sounds very much like sundowning, missie. Confusion often gets worse at a particular time of the day - usually afternoon/evening.
Logic and reasoning wont work with dementia and I agree with everyone else that it is better to tell "love lies" to prevent agitation and distress.

 

[Lindy50]

We give mum as much support as we can. I have to work some days so makes it more difficult. She does get out and about as we have friends who take her out and I am very grateful to them. The confusion normally happens when she is tired in the evenings x x

My mum is in sheltered housing too, missie, and we live about half an hour's drive away, so yes, I know, it is difficult !! As I say, sounds like your mum gets good support

Take care

Lindy xx