Both parents with Alzheimers

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Fudgelet, Sep 16, 2015.

  1. Fudgelet

    Fudgelet Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    My father of 89 has just had a hip replacement and the hospital recommended he goes into respite. As he is my mums main carer i have put them in together. This was 4 days ago.
    Sunday was awful but Monday they loved the place. Last night a phone call from my dad saying they wanted to go home as they had already been there 3 weeks.
    I am at the end of my tether as I am an only child and dealing with all of this is very hard.
    I think they both need to stay in care for ever now.
    Any advice would be great
  2. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Hello and welcome.
    I am sorry to read about your parents. Many of us have had to face the 'I want to go home' situation although practically it was impossible. It is early days yet so I do hope that eventually they settle. I used to tell my husband he was in a convalescent home and he would be back as soon as he was stronger. He still protested but eventually he accepted the NH as 'our' home, but complained that we had bought a place that was too big!!

    It is a difficult time and I hope it gets easier soon.
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Welcome to TP :)

    Can your parents stay there together in the long term?
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Fudgelet

    You need to talk to Social Services while your parents are in respite so they can be assessed.
  5. Bessieb

    Bessieb Registered User

    Jun 2, 2014
    Hi Fudgelet, I am in exactly the same position as you. Both parents with Alzheimers and went into respite (10 weeks ago now) after a hospital stay for my Dad. I've just made the arrangement permanent for them as it's very clear they will have to stay. Both in their 80's. I am an only child too and have had all the same feelings of being overwhelmed and in limbo trying to make a decision.
    I've had all the 'we want to go home' phone calls and conversations during visits too. But they have become less frequent and I think you'll find this too as the time goes and they become more and more familiar with their surroundings. Some days my parents are really settled - visits are a pleasure - and they even call the CH 'home' sometimes...but somedays they are very clear they are 'on holiday' and going home soon. They were packing very regularly during the first three or four weeks and I had to remove all cases and bags. It's these days that are most distressing because you doubt your decision-making. (The packing has stopped now!) Sometimes my parents tell me they have only arrived that morning. Last night I had a phone call to say they had moved room (they haven't). You have to be very strong and confident in your decision making because they have lost the capacity to make a reasoned decision themselves.
    I don't think any of us would have considered a CH if there was another option but safety is so important and we need to know they are safe and well cared for. And when they are a couple if you have found somewhere they can stay together then hold on to this as they are quite tricky to find.
    I hope your parents settle and you can get everything arranged with SS soon - I had to be quite pushy but did find a very supportive SW.
    It's a tough time. I went through a panicky stage being completely overwhelmed with everything that had to be done whilst trying to support my parents emotionally but I have realised that I need to take one step or task at a time.
    Good luck with everything. Loads of info and support on this forum - really great help
  6. irishmanc

    irishmanc Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    So sorry for your situation. I am in a similar position to you & Bessieb - both parents in nursing home and I'm an only child. To add to my complications, I live in another country from them. They will settle but it will take time - cold comfort at this stage, I know. Take heart from the fact that they are safe and well-looked after and that you have made the best decision possible for them. Slow down and try to take things easy. As Bessieb says, it's good to take things one step at a time and not to get too overwhelmed by the challenges you face. xx
  7. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Such a worry for you - I am so sorry. What some people do in these circs is 'blame the doctor' - I.e. say the doctor wants them to stay just until they are a bit better/stronger, or while they sort their meds out. If the person's short term memory is already bad this may often be repeated ad lib, since they will have forgotten that you said it before, and eventually the person will have settled and very likely have forgotten home, or at least their previous home, completely.

    Good luck - it's such a worrying time.
  8. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    Surrey, UK
    Hi Fudgelet,

    I'm also quite new to TP. I really feel for you. When I read your post, my reaction was "There but for the grace of God they go ", because I recognise your words could apply to my situation any time now, especially with winter approaching. I can see that my mum-in-law (77) and dad-in-law (82) are just one UTI away, one fall away, or one chest infection away from hospitalisation followed by a recommendation to go into permanent care. In a way, you could see it that your dad's operation has helped to make the decision for you, so it was out of your hands. But you have done brilliantly to get them into a care home together. That is fantastic! Take heart that you have done all that you could do, and that you have had to accept the things you have no control over. It makes me think of the Serenity Prayer.

    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference".

    I hope that helps. I wish you peace. xxxx
  9. Fudgelet

    Fudgelet Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    Thanks to everyone who replied re my parents. It was a great help as I was very down that day. They have now been in a care home for 3 weeks and I am ever hopeful that they will stay there. Dad is now getting worse as he thinks that he is there working there.
    Still he is 90 on Tues in somewhere safe and caring with mum.
    I am taking each day as it comes.
    Thanks all

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