1. TrixieB

    TrixieB Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    20
    Hi there
    I've been reading the posts here for a while and am so reassured that others have similar problems. This horrific disease has robbed me of my mum and similarly, now dad, both in the same Care Home. It's been a long and tortuous journey getting them to safety, not helped by my brother, who has done his level best to disrupt any decision making or organized support put in place for them.
    Mum had had Alzheimer's for nearly 3 years but it crept up so quietly, we couldn't understand what was wrong with her. No interest in her home, self or family, just happy to lie on the settee all day, being occasionally offered food by my father. yet denying her situation. Several hospitalisations and 3 years later she finally ends up in a Care Home nearby. 10 months in, she still wants to go home, insists there's nothing wrong with her, is angry, aggressive, and hates the very ground I walk on.
    Dad went to the same home voluntarily 4 months ago, ostensibly to support mum, but in dire need of help himself. He has severe Vascular Dementia probably caused by ITA's years ago. Both steadfastly refused to recognise their frailty and increasing dependence on me, refusing to allow any carers etc to help them.
    They started off in the Home spending the whole day together (which they never did at home), then we changed that to afternoons and evenings, now it is only evenings. Mum spends all her time with dad complaining and insisting that he try to get them home as there's nothing wrong with either of them. He's being worn down by it all and the next step is to reduce the number of evenings spent together. No - one wants to visit her now as she cries and complains throughout the visit. Her continuing nastiness caused me to avoid her for nearly a month, in the hope that a change in her medication would help. She now has good days and bad days as long as I only visit her on her own. If she's with dad, she sees me as a threat, insisting that I've always wanted to put her in a home so I can have dad all to myself.
    I made up photo albums of her as a child, then a few with us also in. She tried to throw all the ones with me in them into the bin - only dad's intervention saved them. She cut up my wedding photos and put them in the bin to the delight of my brother (who is now in prison) who was manipulating and stealing from them in our absence. Once when we were on holiday, he encouraged them to cancel their POA's, carers, meals on wheels and every other thing I had put in place for them. The damage he caused is irreparable and he still attempts to malign me and manipulate them from prison.
    All in all, a nightmare, but worth all the hassle to keep them safe and well looked after. Now I have to tell them that we have to sell the house in order to pay for their care - not looking forward to that one!
     
  2. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    769
    I can relate on the nasty mother part. Up until a couple of months ago most of the time she loathed me.
    Currently she is in a really great place contentment wise (long may it last)
    Unfortunately it is her birthday tomorrow and last year it was foul.
    Mum has been in care since May 2014 when dad died.
    I am an only child with great support from my uncle her brother .
    Good luck about the sale. I sold the house a few months ago and haven't told her and won't be. I can guarantee that.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,773
    Female
    South coast
    Im sorry that you are having so many problems with your mum, but as you say, at least she and your dad are being well looked after.
    Im in the process of selling mums home to pay for her CH fees and I have no intention of telling her this as she would be too upset. Perhaps it would be best for you to say nothing and just do it.
     
  4. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,223
    Female
    The Sweet North
    We have never told my dad that his house was sold to pay for his care. There was no need for him to know --- he would never be leaving full time care. He no longer mentions the house as such, though he talks of going home, sometimes he means his childhood home, other times the house we had to sell, where he and Mum lived for 55 years. He has been in care now for 5 years.
    Choose your battles -- why tell them something that may distress them if they don't need to know?
     
  5. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    769
    Have to say it is comforting to know others haven't mentioned the house sale
     
  6. snowygirl

    snowygirl Registered User

    Jan 9, 2014
    151
    Hi trixieB
    I just wanted to say that no you are not alone I too have both parents with dementia. My dad with Alzheimer's and my mum with vascular. Dad went into a home yesterday and one day my mum will too although as yet she is able and wants to live on her on with the aid of carers once a day. I've often wondered and asked on here how it would be if they were both in a home together. Although you have had problems it seems to be working but its still such a horrible situation. I often wonder why weve been hit with this' double whammy' it seems so unfair. Mum asked about the paying for dad's care home yesterday I simply said its paid for by the money the government gives us for dad's condition.....if only! best wishes to you!
     
  7. TrixieB

    TrixieB Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    20
    Good advice

    Thanks everyone for your kind comments and advice. I think that I won't mention the house sale at all - as you say, why stir up more trouble! They both just had a review by Social Work and their CPN (who are both wonderful) and the saddest thing for me was that they felt that mum would continue to grieve for her loss of independence and previous life until she lost her cognitive capability. But they are both well looked after which certainly helps me to cope with it all.
     

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