1. Roma

    Roma Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    Struggling with the loss of bond I'm losing with my mum. I don't know if anyone else has felt this. I'm still there for her in every other aspect of caring and I still love her, but I don't feel that connection to her as I once did. Does that make me a terrible daughter??
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Certainly not, Roma.

    She is still your mother but the relationship has changed. Once she looked after you, now you look after her. It` s bound to make you feel differently.

    You have lost what you had but it is still there, but in a different form.

    Take care

    Love xx
  3. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Dear Roma,
    This is such a terrible illness to deal with as you know but the bond is still there.
    The love and protection for your Mum is still there. Underneath this herrendous illness, your Mum is still there.
    I wish you all the very best.
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Roma - I would say yes, the bond does change. Sometimes it even seems to vanish, but hopefully, it will reappear down the line (well it did for me).

    I had a wonderful relationship with my mother before dementia: I don't know whether that makes it easier than for those who didn't have such a great relationship. I do think it might tend to increase the guilt levels a little, while on the other hand you tend to have less of the "might have been" type feelings.
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #5 Margarita, Jan 26, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2008
    I never had a wonderful relationship ,like my Children have with me with . my mother just never bonded we me .

    I don't carry that child in me into my relationship I have with her now , because I am an adult with children of my own , understand that you can Love someone, but not like they ways.

    Just that some parents don't bound with they children .

    So what you don't know you can't miss , as in having a bound with my mother .

    all I
    understanding in bounding is from my Children .

    So I can connect with my mother when she open to it ( but not in the way of bounding ) on good days when she lets me, or anyone else , its when the mood take her .

    No , because you no you always love her .

    If you don't mind me saying , its just that your grieving for the missing feeling that you use to feel from your mother .

    but a connection always they it you let it happen xx
  6. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Not a horrible daughter

    It makes you a human being. I have had many changes in my feelings towards my mother. Yes, the incredibly close bond we had is gone now, but then Alzheimer's changes everything. It's hard now but at some point you will think of what your relationship really was with your mother and have your beautiful memories.

    Be happy that you were (and are) so close. Many people here on TP have said how they didn't have a close relationship with the parent they are caring for.

    Which is more difficult? It's hard to say. My opinion, overall, is that those who have had a close relationship are luckier in the long run, because we did have it. We needn't worry, as Jennifer said, about "what might have been".
  7. Roma

    Roma Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    Thank you for all your responses. I suppose looking back my relationship with my mother changed when I became an adult. I think I was closer to her as a child. I think when my dad died I felt a responsibility to look out for her and maybe I felt a bit trapped as I had planned to move abroad at some point.

    So now with her having Alzheimer's I feel even more trapped but at the same time I feel the need to be here for her, but I also feel my life is now on hold and I don't know for how long! I know that sounds very selfish but I panic when I think how short life is and it really hit me last week when my mother-in-law, who I now seem to have the bond with, has been diagnosed with cancer.

    Sorry for moaning and thanks for listening.

  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Roma

    You are getting it from all sides, aren`t you. First your mother and now your mother-in-law.

    I don`t know how to make it easier for you. All our lives are on hold when Alzheimers or another terminal illness strikes and we cannot turn away. You have a choice, but it`s a bit of a Hobson`s Choice, which ever way you go will be unsatisfactory.

    You are not selfish, you are being honest and voicing what many others must feel. I can only say TP is here to support you. Don`t apologise for `moaning`. You are entitled to moan. You are among people who know where you are coming from, and your `moans` at some stage, speak for us all.

    Love xx
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Roma, please don't apologise for moaning. We all at times resent what this disease has done to our lives.

    Those of us caring for spouses resent the loss of a loving relationship, and a long and happy retirement. But in many ways it is worse for those caring for a parent, because they have to put their own lives on hold for as long as it takes.

    You were planning to go abroad, and you wouldn't be human if your didn't regret that the possibility has at least been delayed.

    And now you have your MIL with cancer, more distress and responsibility for you.

    Just believe that the future is still there for you, though delayed a bit. Just have faith.

  10. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Hi Roma

    Another Daughter caring for Mum here, and my emotions yo-yo around all over the place.
    You are certainly not alone in your feelings. It's a rotten, lousy situation to deal with, whoever we are.

    Best wishes

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