WARNING: This is quite a dark post so I don't recommend reading it, if you aren't feeling very strong at the moment, its a venting of pain, rage and all that is negative, and not at all constructive or helpful except perhaps for those who feel the same way and wanted the feeling outed instead of always boiling within. I also posted it because I think the rest of the world needs to know how bad this situation is and if I can give the words for people to express this to the 'outside world' then at least I am doing something a little bit useful. This situation drives me crazy!!!! Dad looked 'disgustingly' healthy today. What I mean by 'disgustingly' is that part of why i find it so hard to cope with this illness is that he looks so bloody normal at first glance, or if you didn't know what his situation was, but then if you keep looking you notice that his mouth doesn't close, you notice that when he walks he walks funny, leaning to one side, or lifting his feet in an exaggerated manner, walking into areas that he can't walk through and so on. If you get him on a bad day you will see a dribble of spit drop from his mouth, you'll notice his eyes don't really seem to focus properly and sometimes he yells apparently for no reason, or raises his hand to swipe something out of the way which you and I can't see. But.....when i looked at him today and looked past all the strange behaviours and mannerisms, I could see that he looked like any other 60 year old, in fact, he probably looks more like 55! I can't get over that! How can he look so good physically whilst his brain continues to shrink?? While he behaves like, ....well like a person with something wrong with his brain? I say 'disgustingly' also because his physical appearance freaks me out because it seems to suggest that this nightmare has a long way to go until it runs its course, I say 'disgustingly' because it is disgusting that a man should look so good but be a complete ruin on the inside of his head. It confounds and dismays me. And then there is the crazy side to it all where his good physical appearance makes me unable to let go of hope that he can keep battling, but then I think, what for? And then comes the pain of hoping for the hopeless. I say 'disgustingly' because its like some disgusting joke of nature, it makes me feel like some horrible torturer of a supreme being is playing with my father. He/she is saying to me look how I can make your Dad who on the outside looks completely normal behave like a madman, look at me pull the strings of this silly little puppet, look how I can make you cry just by waving his arms about, making him fall over, causing spit to flow out of his mouth, just when he almost had a word. Its....disgusting,... it makes my heart ache with pity for my father, it makes me angry and I feel helpless that I can't take the strings away from the control of the evil power. Its a nightmare. I feel like throwing up at the cruelty of it all. Why him, why us? Please can't anybody make this stop? Apologies for a very black post, as usual I am somewhat dislocated from the emotion that I just wrote, so don't be too concerned about my thoughts and feelings, but they are how I feel, deep down inside in a place that I lock away most of the time just to keep my own sanity. No doubt many on here also feel the same way.