Big mistake?

[Worrywart 2]

Hi all - some advice please. Mother is 76 and had brain haemorrhage 3 years ago - they now say she has vascular dementia, I am sometimes not convinced as I feel sometimes she has been labelled as such rather than saying she has a brain injury . Anyway long story she went into a residential home on Monday. She has been awful - agitated crying confused and desperate to come home. She went into hospital as she didn't recognise her home as home and started wandering etc - she has a shunt in her brain and they admitted her as they wanted to ensure there wasn't a medical cause. The Ct confirmed no change though and they out it down to dementia. I just wonder how she would be at home as she is on memantine now and was quite settled in hospital. Her obsession with going home is so difficult to deal with and I know it's very early days at the residential home but I'm just not sure we have done the right thing.
Has anyone felt like this and been tempted to bring their loved one home - what is the maximum csre social services will give? Our family situation isn't great - I'm chronically ill and recovering from perforated bowel and my sister has very young children. No one else seems interested in helping but very vocal as to the fact she is in a home. I feel overwhelmed.

 

[Beate]

Honestly, if I got a pound for every time someone says they made a mistake in taking a loved one to a care home and think about bringing them back home, I would be rich. If I also got a pound for every time this would be the wrong decision, I would be a millionaire. Wanting to go home is so common. Sometimes it means the childhood home, sometimes it's just the notion of a safe place. Give her time to settle. Seriously, they are best placed in keeping her safe. She might only act up while you are around. Have you asked the staff how she is while you're not there?

 

[Worrywart 2]

Honestly, if I got a pound for every time someone says they made a mistake in taking a loved one to a care home and think about bringing them back home, I would be rich. If I also got a pound for every time this would be the wrong decision, I would be a millionaire. Wanting to go home is so common. Sometimes it means the childhood home, sometimes it's just the notion of a safe place. Give her time to settle. Seriously, they are best placed in keeping her safe. She might only act up while you are around. Have you asked the staff how she is while you're not there?

Thank you for your reply Beate, it's early days I know. But even when care home was mentioned I had my doubts as she is not like this all the time. But I know you are right and we could bring her out and she would be exactly the same, as in not recognising her house etc or she could have a decline next week. But as her daughter I feel very sad as when she sees me her face lights up and I can't give her what I want, well I could but not on my own and not for what could be the next 20 years - she is 76. But the next 20 years in a home??? Oh dear what a thought.

 

[Margarita]

Thank you for your reply Beate, it's early days I know. But even when care home was mentioned I had my doubts as she is not like this all the time. But I know you are right and we could bring her out and she would be exactly the same, as in not recognising her house etc or she could have a decline next week. But as her daughter I feel very sad as when she sees me her face lights up and I can't give her what I want, well I could but not on my own and not for what could be the next 20 years - she is 76. But the next 20 years in a home??? Oh dear what a thought.

I feel so empathetic for you.
As I know it feels to see a mother face light up when she sees you, you can't give her what you want .

I was reading your past posts.
Reads like your mother is in the right place.

Moving your mother could be detramental to her own mental health .
Even thought your mother has no conscious awareness of her symptoms of what the brain haemorrhage is doing to her .

Maybe reading back into your own past posts in how your mother behavioural symptoms was like when living at home will make you realise that you have not made a big Mistake .

Try not to think about the future in how long your mother going to be in care home or your end up giving yourself a panic attack.
None of us never know whats around the coroner in life.
So take one day at the time .
In doing so you're taking care of your own mental, physical health .
To help you cope with each day of the week, while you Visit your mother

 

[Worrywart 2]

Thank you Margarita . I know it's early days and I am looking long term which is wrong as I fi carry n like this I will be dead before her. But I do find it so hard especially as she is obsessed with me and coming home. So much so I cannot visit her at the moment. I just worry they have got it wrong and she hasn't got vascular dementia - maybe it's the brain damage from the brain haemorrhage in which case it may not be progressive . I know we couldn't go back to as we were before its all but destroyed my husband and I - he is not supportive and feels residential care is the only option whereas I feel this has been rushed and we should try again at home with the maximum care available until she reaches the next stage. Then it won't be so hard for her but I don't know it's all very difficult at the moment as we all know.

 

[Grey Lad]

I have no idea what is the best thing for you to do. My only advice is to take your time. She is in a safe place at the moment and you are not faced with the responsibility alone. Take good care of yourself for a while and see if things settle down.

 

[Margarita]

I just worry they have got it wrong and she hasn't got vascular dementia - maybe it's the brain damage from the brain haemorrhage in which case it may not be progressive . .

My mother had Vascular dementia it is caused by problems with the supply of oxygen to the brain.
I was told abroad when my mother was diagnosed that she had Alzheimers

But I notice mum was not having the same symptoms / stages as a person with Alzheimers .
Back then there was not so much awareness of
Vascular dementia.

Then from this site I learn that Alzheimers is an umbrella name for all different type of dementia so Vascular dementia is different in stages compared to being diagnosed with Alzheimers.

A brain hemorrhage is a type of stroke. It's caused by an artery in the brain bursting and causing localized bleeding in the surrounding tissues. This bleeding kills brain cells.

Having a stroke more than doubles the risk of developing dementia and around one in three people who have a stroke develop dementia, however our understanding of how to prevent dementia following a stroke remains limited.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=744&pageNumber=4

I am not a doctor .
Only life experience with living with my mother who had Vascular dementia ,being pro active about Dementia has help me understand the symptoms of different dementia how a dementia can happen in the brain .

So reading your past posts it reads like your mother is showing symptoms of a dementia.

They must of done a brain Scan on your mother .
Sadly to say they have not made a mistake .

I am not saying this to offended you in any way, so please don't take offence
Maybe your in shock, denial or lack of understanding that a hemorrhage is a stroke in the brain .



You take care of yourself .
keep posting xxx

 

[canary]

Hi all - some advice please. Mother is 76 and had brain haemorrhage 3 years ago - they now say she has vascular dementia, I am sometimes not convinced as I feel sometimes she has been labelled as such rather than saying she has a brain injury . Anyway long story she went into a residential home on Monday. She has been awful - agitated crying confused and desperate to come home. She went into hospital as she didn't recognise her home as home and started wandering etc - she has a shunt in her brain and they admitted her as they wanted to ensure there wasn't a medical cause. The Ct confirmed no change though and they out it down to dementia. I just wonder how she would be at home as she is on memantine now and was quite settled in hospital. Her obsession with going home is so difficult to deal with and I know it's very early days at the residential home but I'm just not sure we have done the right thing.
Has anyone felt like this and been tempted to bring their loved one home - what is the maximum csre social services will give? Our family situation isn't great - I'm chronically ill and recovering from perforated bowel and my sister has very young children. No one else seems interested in helping but very vocal as to the fact she is in a home. I feel overwhelmed.

If she were doing this before she went into hospital, then honestly hun, she will do this if she went back to her previous home too.
Talk to her about "home" and Id amazed if she meant her previous address. What she wants is to go back to a time and place where she felt safe and wasnt confused and Im afraid you cant do that for her.

Truly, a few days is nothing. It will probably take her a few weeks to settle, but knock that guilt monster off your shoulder meanwhile. When you go and visit her, staple on a bright cheery face - she will pick up that you are agitated and remember the emotion (even though she will have forgotten the fact) and could associate you with this emotion. Easier said than done I know.

 

[turbo]

Hello worrywart2, It was probably the wandering that led to the decision that your mum needed full time care. It doesn't mean that she wouldn't be safe on her own some of the time. With my mum, because of her wandering, we were told either a care home or 24hr care at home.
You do have your own health to consider. I don't think there can be many people who haven't questioned whether it would be the right thing to bring a loved one home. But it would be tough for someone in good health and with family support.
it is overwhelming but your mum will settle.

 

[Worrywart 2]

Thank you all. I think my worry over whether its vascular dementia or not is because - prior to brain haemorrhage she was fine although had high blood pressure and smoked, didn't look after herself really. Then wham - brain haemorrhage - I remember the consultant telling me there was no evidence of dementia on the CT - this was 3 years ago now. She is now presenting very much as she did then - wandering, aggressive , looking for something, on a ship or waiting for a train. So now after 3 years of looking after her with carers she is in a home - she has had up to date ct scan which indicated no neurological change. I have asked the question but am told it makes no difference as her needs indicate she requires 24 HR care. I'm thinking should I get private consultation to go through the scans but what's the point. If it is brain injury that's causing this there are no suitable places just care homes. I do wonder what happens if you are say 60 with a brain injury - are there specialised placements then?
Thanks for your replies everyone xxx