Between a rock and a hard hard place

[Carrie Anne]

My brother and I are in agreement that mum needs to be somewhere where she can have a little companionship and more to do to fill her day. At present she spends all day watching TV and is lonely, bored and a lot of the time is frightened in her own home. She is often unsure of where she is, and sometimes it is impossible to reassure her that she is in the house she has lived in for nearly50 years. She thinks she has been dumped there by me, or today she couldn't remember who had taken her there.

We found a lovely residential/ dementia/ nursing home and the staff and facilities appear to be lovely. I can imagine mum living there and benefiting from all the activities and company. But of course when I broach the subject with her she is desperate to stay in the home that she and Dad made their own, refuses to leave her precious garden and gets extremely angry at me for suggesting it. The house is getting unkempt and smelly and she never potters in the garden any more.

Ten minutes later she tells me how frightened she is, how she wants to die and that she can't stand being in this strange place, "you're not going to leave me here on my own are you?"

The care home have told me that they must have mums consent if she is to move in there. I have been told that she doesn't have the capacity to make decisions about medication and carer visits. What do I need to do to get her into this home which in our opinion could open so many possibilities for her and improve her life considerably? Who makes the final decision when she will be totally self funding?

I have been supporting mum for the last 7 years since her condition began to worsen and the hour travelling, 3 or 4 times a week is becoming difficult. I shall be working full time up until Christmas and won't be able to keep this up. I find her mood swings and caustic comments exhausting and quite frankly I know she would never have done this much for her parents or me come to that.

 

[susy]

Would suggesting to her that work is going to be done on this place so she must go on holiday in a nice warm place where she is fed and entertained until it's done? If she would go for that then she will be happy going through the door and it just won't ever be finished. Just an idea. I'm sure others will be around with better ones soon xx

 

[marionq]

A trial for a week or two would likely convince her that she likes it. As you are going to be busy working just tell her that you cannot come to see her for a wee while so she can have this holiday until you are free again.

Be very matter of fact about it and say you will help her pack a few things to keep her going.

 

[RedLou]

Can't your brother raise the subject - especially if he's escaping her opprobrium?

 

[Liz57]

Sorry, can't come up with anything better but just wanted to say I'm in the same place with my Mum who has just told me that "they" have brought her to the place where she is now because "they" don't want her any more. We've talked at length about the family tree I'd drawn up for her and she's told me that she didn't know she was my mum.

she's in her own home, where she's lived for 25 years and has only just gone home after spending the day with me.

I know it's time for a care home but feel totally overwhelmed by the challenge. I feel for you.

 

[Witzend]

Could you tell her that you have to go away for work (on a course or something) and the doctor has said she must be properly looked after while you are away? And enlist the help of the GP to back you up, if you can. I would tell the GP plainly that you cannot keep up your current level of care, and that she is going to be vulnerable and at risk.

I can't help wondering how many people with dementia do actually consent to going into a CH. So often 'love lies' are needed when someone simply cannot understand their own needs, or the strain they are putting on their nearest and dearest.

 

[Suzysue]

My brother and I are in agreement that mum needs to be somewhere where she can have a little companionship and more to do to fill her day. At present she spends all day watching TV and is lonely, bored and a lot of the time is frightened in her own home. She is often unsure of where she is, and sometimes it is impossible to reassure her that she is in the house she has lived in for nearly50 years. She thinks she has been dumped there by me, or today she couldn't remember who had taken her there.

We found a lovely residential/ dementia/ nursing home and the staff and facilities appear to be lovely. I can imagine mum living there and benefiting from all the activities and company. But of course when I broach the subject with her she is desperate to stay in the home that she and Dad made their own, refuses to leave her precious garden and gets extremely angry at me for suggesting it. The house is getting unkempt and smelly and she never potters in the garden any more.

Ten minutes later she tells me how frightened she is, how she wants to die and that she can't stand being in this strange place, "you're not going to leave me here on my own are you?"

The care home have told me that they must have mums consent if she is to move in there. I have been told that she doesn't have the capacity to make decisions about medication and carer visits. What do I need to do to get her into this home which in our opinion could open so many possibilities for her and improve her life considerably? Who makes the final decision when she will be totally self funding?

I have been supporting mum for the last 7 years since her condition began to worsen and the hour travelling, 3 or 4 times a week is becoming difficult. I shall be working full time up until Christmas and won't be able to keep this up. I find her mood swings and caustic comments exhausting and quite frankly I know she would never have done this much for her parents or me come to that.

Hello Carrie Anne, your Mum sounds exactly like mine. My sister and myself were Mums' main carers, but now she resides in a lovely local care home,where there are loads of activities and she has company.I used to take her, once or twice a week to join in singing,bingo or just to have coffee and cake.After a few months, she said she'd like to stay for a weeks holiday and that was that; she came back home for a week to 'sort everything out' and then moved in.I drove her there and stayed for about four hours to make sure all was fine-she seemed happy. When I got home she'phoned and accused me of 'dumping her there-how could I do that to her!' She's been there nearly a year now, and although we still have grumbles,she seems more content than when she lived alone and more importantly she's safe. I agree with other comments-a holiday suggestion can work. Good luck.

 

[Insomniac]

We have full PoA and also had to have a Mental Incapacity certificate which her GP was able to provide. Without this the home would not be able to keep Mum there against her will. We're only 2 weeks in and it's not going well. Think long and hard about this. If you can get some sort of agreement from her you'll be halfway there. Good luck!


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[Beate]

How about trying a Day Centre first? That would give her something to do during the day but at night she can return to her own place. Contact Social Services for options.

 

[Tomjo]

Moving away from home town

Hi

just to say I feel for you. We are in a similar quandary - mum needs, and is willing to try, a care home now, as she is not really safe in her own home any more, having more and more spells of 'not knowing whats happening' (her words). The problem is that all the care homes I have visited in our town are in not very nice converted Victorian hotels and similar and full of the sort of steps and corners that would have my almost blind mother falling over in no time.

My sister has found a really nice new-build home which seems well resourced and staffed and has enclosed grounds so that she could get out for a walk if she wanted to (she likes to get out as much as she can - more than is sensible really). This home is in a different town, miles away from her beloved coastal home. We are thinking of asking her to give it a try for a few weeks.

This is all so difficult - good luck to all who are coping with similar choices.

 

[Annebags]

Very, very difficult and frankly, I thought I would never get there.

In the end, mum reluctantly agreed to respite for 2 weeks and once there, coped quite well. Shortly after she ended up in hospital with chest infection and dehydration. Whilst there, apparently she "agreed" to go into a nursing home. I don't think she heard the question but as it went in my favour, I said nothing. I also told the hospital social worker that if she was sent home, it would be without ANY family support as I was withdrawing all support (only child). I also claimed that I would sue if any more falls / hospital admissions at home as Social Services would be lacking in their duty of care.

It has been far from easy but mum has been in the nursing home for 5 weeks now and I would say is more content than she has been for years. She no longer has to attempt to look after herself. I would say that she is more confused than ever (she thinks she is in another hospital) but she is not unhappy. I have slept in my own bed since (I was previously there 5 nights a week) and am planning my first holiday for years.

Good luck to all, it is far from easy. I think you have to get desperate / at rock bottom before SS take any notice.