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Best interest meeting was a joke, what next?

lori107

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
45
Hubby has just returned from the meeting arranged today re fil. He has alzheimers, is registered blind and has limited mobility since he broke his hip and has been in a care home since November. Social worker has seen him 3 times and deemed him to have mental capacity to decide where he wanted to live. We had to have him assessed as he kept on demanding to go home and the care home said we had to contact social services for a formal assessment. When she advised that she thought he had mental capacity on that particular day we disagreed and a best interest meeting was arranged for today. Hubby said he only managed to get one point across, fil was at the entire meeting which we were told by the home he would not. Care home manager barely said a word. Hubby said he wasn't safe to go back home, ,he has had 7 falls since went in there, one only two days ago (which he didn't remember ) as he really unsteady on his feet. In fact the SW had to catch him as he got up from his chair at the end of the meeting as he was about to go flat on his face!!
Dementia nurse and SW both don't dispute that he should be in the home due to safety but they say they cannot stop him going home if he wants to, even though he will have another fall and probably end up back in hospital before the week is out, it is the law.
There is another meeting in a month as we firmly disagree and we are thinking of asking the memory clinic to assess his mental capacity as we have received a letter from them with an appointment. Can they overrule the SW that made the first decision?
It is so ridiculous, they will set up carers 4 times a day (with his money as he doesn't qualify for any help and we've said we will not do anything to organise care as we don't agree she is capable of going back. Hubby has POA but they say he cannot do anything as fil has mental capacity to make a complex decision on where he wants to live. He doesn't remember he has alzheimers or that he broke his hip but that is irrelevant apparently. What on earth do we do?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,101
Kent
My husband was not at his best interests meeting.

He would have been too intimidated by a number of people sitting round a table discussing him , when he would have been incapable of taking an active part in the discussion or expressing himself adequately.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,995
UK
Hi

I have droned on before on this site that I feel the SW should ask where is home and who will be there when you get home. This usually shows a gaping hole in that they will expect Mum and Dad to be there or some long dead relative.

SW, LA et al tried to tell me that Mum had capacity after talking to her for maybe a minute and told her that she was lucky to have me there with her, they would talk to me to make sure her wishes were followed. Mum looked very cross and asked why were they talking to me? They were just about to redo the whole meeting when I asked Mum who I was. She told me she had met me at school when she was 12 so had only known me for about 6 years and there was no way I should be deciding things for her. Mum then shouted at them as they were useless and she wasn't going to to eat the food they had delivered her.


The look on the SW faces was a picture. I walked out the room trying not to laugh
 
Last edited:

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,995
UK
My husband was not at his best interests meeting.

He would have been too intimidated by a number of people sitting round a table discussing him , when he would have been incapable of taking an active part in the discussion or expressing himself adequately.

I totally agree. Mum used to get crosser and crosser as she knew they were talking about her but didn't understand what was going on.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Personally in such circs I would tell the SW that I disagree absolutely - he is not fit to go home and would be at serious risk. I would add that I would not be arranging or providing any care, and would not be taking him home. And then I would make sure I had the house keys, so that nobody else could take him.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,995
UK
You could write an email copying in as many people in authority as you can stating that if they send him home and he has a fall etc then you will hold them personally responsible as he is a vulnerable adult and at risk.
 

curtainsgalore

Registered User
Nov 2, 2014
46
Stick to your guns. Even with 4 carers a day, who's shopping, cleaning etc and filling all the time when the carers aren't there. Without you and your husbands support it isn't feasible. It really sounds like he hasn't got capacity to live alone anymore and they need to spend more time with him to see that. Good luck and make your wishes crystal clear that it's up to them to sort it all out if they want to send him home.



Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

lori107

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
45
Stick to your guns. Even with 4 carers a day, who's shopping, cleaning etc and filling all the time when the carers aren't there. Without you and your husbands support it isn't feasible. It really sounds like he hasn't got capacity to live alone anymore and they need to spend more time with him to see that. Good luck and make your wishes crystal clear that it's up to them to sort it all out if they want to send him home.



Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
We're seriously thinking of paying an independent mental capacity assessor to give us a 2nd opinion. Everyone at the meeting agreed that the best place for him is to stay in the care home but he wants to go home, so it seems that he can, according to them. It is so ridiculous, it's almost laughable. Fil spent most of the meeting talking about his chocolates, which he thinks the care home staff are eating as they have gone. Hubby has told them he will not put any care in place, but who will end up moving his furniture and belongings back from his room to the flat......Hubby, I'm guessing , I've told him not to, but he says he will probably have to. Then he needs careline (although he won't remember to wear the pendant ) again because his subscription ran out, meals on wheels, a cleaner etc etc, and as for him going out on his scooter I have told hubby to remove it before he goes back as he will be lethal on that. I also don't think he'll even manage to get to the front door to let these carers etc in. I am so stressed, it is doing untold damage to my own Ill health. Is there anything else we can do before the next meeting? I thought if it is a best interest meeting and it is in his best interest to stay there, why aren't they ruling that?
 

Essie

Registered User
Feb 11, 2015
563
As others have said lori do stick to your guns. Involve everybody you can think of and put it in writing as well as speaking to people, keep notes of who said what and when as it's so much easier to look back over notes than try and remember it correctly at a moments notice and I always found it was a great help to be able say 'No, you said blah blah blah at this time on this day' keeps them on their toes! :D

Write to and speak to all those involved in the meeting and all others that could possible be relevant or useful, GP, SS, CPN, local councillors, MP, the more public you make this the more accountable you make the people who are making this silly decision.

Say, word for word, that Fil 'is a vulnerable adult and that as the decision to send him home is being made entirely against your wishes you will hold them responsible for anything that happens to him from the moment he has left the care home.' Discourage hubby from co-operating with the move as that may be seen as tacit to agreeing with it which would rather undermine your objections.

This isn't going to be a 5 minute fix and you will, as others have said on TP before 'have to put your big girl pants on' :) but stick with it, you're not doing just for own peace of mind you're doing to keep Fil from getting hurt and suffering totally unnecessarily.

Good luck.
 

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