Best Care For Dad With Dementia

[love.dad.but..]

I think you have tried to be reasonable but whatever you say he will not accept it mainly because he is ignorant of understanding and finding out about the reality of his dad's stage of dementia and not willing to understand or accept the risk and impact on your mum.

I would say...
Firstly... If he loved his dad he would do what is in his best interests and put his strong unreasonable incorrect and selfish thoughts to one side and in that case he should move his dad in with him with 24 hour care not a part time care package. He won't do this of course!

Secondly..just go ahead and do what is the right thing for your mum. Enough discussion...you will never win with this individual. He clearly has no regard for your mum's welfare.He is worse than the idiot he is... he is an extremely selfish manipulative bully. Don't let him do it under any circumstances. If your mum I would also be speaking to the manager about the fact that as his wife she is next of kin and talk to them about his intervention.

 

[Sirena]

I agree with Duggies Girl that there is no point in discussing it further with them, but your concern is that your mother is going to cave in and agree to bring him home.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am not sure why the two options are care home versus minimal, inadequate, carer visits at home. You've indicated he's self funding, so if he returns home he can pay for live-in carers, but that option doesn't seem to have been discussed.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I agree with Duggies Girl that there is no point in discussing it further with them, but your concern is that your mother is going to cave in and agree to bring him home.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am not sure why the two options are care home versus minimal, inadequate, carer visits at home. You've indicated he's self funding, so if he returns home he can pay for live-in carers, but that option doesn't seem to have been discussed.

Even with a live in carer it will impact on the mum and as I discovered with that when I tried the option for my dad it can work out far more than a care home ..£1700 per week in my area v £1300 NH ...especially if his needs require double handed care at times and if a second waking carer is required at night so the live in carer can sleep. I also had to cover 2 hours each day so the live in carer had a break which was required so arrangements for that cover would also be needed.

 

[LOLWRIGHT]

I think you have tried to be reasonable but whatever you say he will not accept it mainly because he is ignorant of understanding and finding out about the reality of his dad's stage of dementia and not willing to understand or accept the risk and impact on your mum.

I would say...
Firstly... If he loved his dad he would do what is in his best interests and put his strong unreasonable incorrect and selfish thoughts to one side and in that case he should move his dad in with him with 24 hour care not a part time care package. He won't do this of course!

Secondly..just go ahead and do what is the right thing for your mum. Enough discussion...you will never win with this individual. He clearly has no regard for your mum's welfare.He is worse than the idiot he is... he is an extremely selfish manipulative bully. Don't let him do it under any circumstances. If your mum I would also be speaking to the manager about the fact that as his wife she is next of kin and talk to them about his intervention.

I agree with Duggies Girl that there is no point in discussing it further with them, but your concern is that your mother is going to cave in and agree to bring him home.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am not sure why the two options are care home versus minimal, inadequate, carer visits at home. You've indicated he's self funding, so if he returns home he can pay for live-in carers, but that option doesn't seem to have been discussed.

I agree with Duggies Girl that there is no point in discussing it further with them, but your concern is that your mother is going to cave in and agree to bring him home.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am not sure why the two options are care home versus minimal, inadequate, carer visits at home. You've indicated he's self funding, so if he returns home he can pay for live-in carers, but that option doesn't seem to have been discussed.

I agree with Duggies Girl that there is no point in discussing it further with them, but your concern is that your mother is going to cave in and agree to bring him home.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am not sure why the two options are care home versus minimal, inadequate, carer visits at home. You've indicated he's self funding, so if he returns home he can pay for live-in carers, but that option doesn't seem to have been discussed.

Hi

Thanks for reply It was discussed that son said he can move in part time as has a job and do it himself.
The financials are such that I believe a paid live in carer equals the as care home???
May be hence the suggestion to move in possibly. I know that there is a considerable financial differential versus the care home versus other ways.

With one person you cannot move or clean him, so that is of issue. Plus the obvious bad points of it all are firmly still on the table.

We have no downstairs bathroom also so I feel with the double incontinence hygiene with bed baths is no way adequate.

My mother had a full on emotional, physical and mental breakdown just 3 or so months ago, the relationship now with the Step Kids is fractious, so having them round and living in is going to be even more stress compounded on to everything else.....
And the BIG FACT that everyone is missing...That she is watching a man she loves disintegrate in front of her eyes..

Thanks again...Hope all is well with you
Best
L

 

[Sirena]

Even with a live in carer it will impact on the mum and as I discovered with that when I tried the option for my dad it can work out far more than a care home ..£1700 per week in my area v £1300 NH ...especially if his needs require double handed care at times and if a second waking carer is required at night so the live in carer can sleep. I also had to cover 2 hours each day so the live in carer had a break which was required so arrangements for that cover would also be needed.

Oh absolutely, I completely agree with what you say, from the info given the care home is the best option. And agree too re the costs, my mother's at-home care for just 6 hours a day was more than her care home room (£948 versus £840 p.w.) But I don't understand why the only options posited are care home versus totally inadequate at-home care package.

 

[LOLWRIGHT]

Oh absolutely, I completely agree with what you say, from the info given the care home is the best option. And agree too re the costs, my mother's at-home care for just 6 hours a day was more than her care home room (£948 versus £840 p.w.) But I don't understand why the only options posited are care home versus totally inadequate at-home care package.

Hey thanks,

From my understanding of the numbers which eventually were discussed after broaching the subject 3 times with him, a detailed set of facts and figures came out. Apparently the private carer or carers coming in 4 times per day can be subsidised by Gov and there seems to be a large differential between that and the full time 24 hour care home scenario. To my mind could be a 60% to 70% differential. Seems quite a lot of work has been done their side on the numbers shall we say, coupled with the fact he said HE would live in..????... I will leave that there for now...

 

[love.dad.but..]

The stepson moving in is a non starter...apart from the invasion and intrusion of your mum's privacy and he has not asked your mum how she may feel about that.. it is a huge presumption from him... he does not have any sort of grasp or understanding of either the illness or the care that his dad would require him to do and as he declines. I really do think regardless of him providing any figures he wants to...it is not his decision to influence or make and before this goes on and on...your mum should just say having considered everything the best interests for his dad and her is a final firm ...no...he is being looked after well in the care home and they are meeting his complex needs. Discussion has to be assertively shut down otherwise he will just aim to wear your mum down with his figures and views...

 

[Duggies-girl]

The stepson moving in is a non starter...apart from the invasion and intrusion of your mum's privacy and he has not asked your mum how she may feel about that.. it is a huge presumption from him... he does not have any sort of grasp or understanding of either the illness or the care that his dad would require him to do and as he declines. I really do think regardless of him providing any figures he wants to...it is not his decision to influence or make and before this goes on and on...your mum should just say having considered everything the best interests for his dad and her is a final firm ...no...he is being looked after well in the care home and they are meeting his complex needs. Discussion has to be assertively shut down otherwise he will just aim to wear your mum down with his figures and views...

Agree with that. If the stepson moved in how long would he last. He would soon be off given what it entails. You stick to your guns and keep things how they are. Don't discuss it with him, it has been decided and that is that.