bereavement

[bigal]

I live with and care for a persom with dementia. Her husband has just passed away. Can anyone help with how to get her to cope as doesn't always remember he has gone.

 

[Witzend]

This can be so difficult when someone has dementia. They may forget on a daily or even hourly basis that someone has died, and if you have to keep reminding them however gently, it can upset them terribly over and over again.

Some people think it is wrong, but personally I would say whatever will cause the least distress, especially if short term memory is already very bad and you are going to have to keep on saying it.

It is not quite the same, since my MIL had been dead for some years, but when my FIL suddenly started asking where she was, of course we explained gently that she had died a while ago. But he was so terribly upset, and so we soon learned to say, oh, she's just gone to the shops, or,she's just gone to see so and so, and he'd be quite happy. And because his short term memory was already so bad, he never remembered that we'd said the same before. As I said, some people think this is wrong and that you should always tell the truth in such matters, but I can't say I agree, not when it causes a lot of distress over and over.

I do hope you find a way that doesn't upset the poor lady too much. It can be a case of playing it by ear, and only someone close to her, like you, will be able to sense what is best.

PS, just a thought, but depending on how advanced her dementia is,could you say he's gone to see his parents? Which would not exactly be a fib! My mother went through a stage of constantly asking to see her parents (she was over 90 at the time) and she was so bad by then I know I could have said, well, not today since they've gone to see your grandma! But I just used to say I'd give them a ring later and see when they'd like us to go, and she'd be quite happy for the moment.

 

[rajahh]

This is what many of us do. We just say they are busy, or they are coming, or they are on holiday etc etc.

My husband who is 79 often asks me if I have seen his mother lately, and he feels she visits him often. I just go along with it.

Jeannette

 

[FifiMo]

In my experience it is better to go with the flow. If your friend doesn't remember her husband is gone, then every time someone mentions it to her, it will be like she is hearing it for the first time. What then happens is that she will keep going through a cycle of grief over and over again and this is not good for her health. Some days she might ask if you have seen him and you can give her a truthful "no, I haven't spoken to him for a while" kind of an answer. Other days she might remember or ask about him saying perhaps "He's dead isn't he?" Then you can agree with her, but don't make a big thing out of it as she is apt to forget after you've given her the answer. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself whether there is a need for her to know/is it likely to cause her distress/would she understand or remember. If there is no positive reason to tell her anything, then don't.

One thing to be aware of is that when someone with dementia loses a spouse or a partner, their dementia may appear to deteriorate very quickly. This may not be the case in reality as it could be that her husband has been supporting her or covering up the full extent of her problems. Being on her own without this back up might expose a number of things that she can no longer do and where he had effectively taken over. Things like, managing finances, remembering PIN numbers, remembering appointments, cooking without forgetting she has left something on the stove. Even things like bathing might pose a problem if she has forgotten how to, say, run a bath or use the shower. Important things to watch for are whether she remembers about security and locking doors eg things that would put her at risk. Another thing that can happen is that she goes wandering to look for her husband. This is even worse if she goes out at night time. If any of the above is happening the Dont hesitate to contact her GP or Social Services who you will find in the phone book under your local council.

Take care,

Fiona