Being watched while seeing mum! Getting angry!!


Registered User
Nov 7, 2004
Since my trial was over I have been allowed to see mum without restriction, though I have chosen to always be accompanied.

However, on Tuesday I was unable to have a person with me. I went and saw mum on my own and one of the nurses had obviously been told to sit in with me while I was in my mum's room.

I also went again today and another nurse was "tidying" mum's things. The staff are watching me like a hawk.

I have done nothing wrong, and as said in my previous thread I now have the proof that the statements were lies.

Any idea how I can force the home to stop these nurses from watching me all the time?

It feels like a case of "Well we all know you did it but you got away with it, so we're not going to take that chance with you again"

The home is going to have their knickers in a twist when I inform them I'm going to take my mum out when we get a nice day!! They going to send someone out with me?

Have thought of visiting mum every mealtime. By all means I'll give Mum her meal, but can they spare someone to watch me while others need feeding?

It's getting me angry again.


Registered User
Mar 12, 2005
West Sussex
Is there any chance of you moving your Mum to a different home?

From an outsiders point of view, this seems the best option. Visits are difficult enough sometimes, but when there is obviously bad feeling between yourself and staff members they must be harder for both you and your Mum.

I would also worry that in your abscence the staff may discuss you and your Mum may hear negative comments. She may have AD, but sometimes a comment will be remembered or understood by her and that can't be a good thing.

I really hope this situation is resolved as soon as possible for both you and your Mum's sake.



Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
near London
I tend to agree with Kathleen, though it may not be easy to find another home close by that is suitable.

Worth a try for your own peace of mind.

Have you talked to your Mum's GP about this? Could also be worth it.... :confused:


Registered User
Nov 7, 2004
I've had a meeting with Social Services. I want to move Mum, BUT they say this will only be a last resort as to move her could make her deteriorate quickly. Therefore if I move mum I'll kill her!!!!

They haven't said no though. They say their concern is for her welfare and she seems settled and being well cared for so I'm up against it.

I've called the CSCI and am awaiting a call to express my concerns.

The only way out of it I see is to move mum!!!

Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea


Registered User
Mar 16, 2005
Hi Shakey,

I haven't posted on your threads before because I don't really understand the whole story, so apologises if this is way off the mark and I hope it won't upset, but.... I just wondered if trying a different approach may help, both you, your Mum and the 'well-meaning' staff. If you were to accept that they are going to be 'watching', (even if their fears are groundless), and start to involve them more in your visits while caring for your Mum, perhaps the whole atmosphere might improve.

I can only speak from watching the experiences of my son, who sees his children in supervised access sessions. There's no reason for this other than it being his ex's wish. He hadn't seen them for some time and I guess she was unsure of how they would react.

This isn't a direct comparison, but I can see how the mistrust on all sides leads to tension for all concerned. My son didn't like the implications at first, but he so wanted to see his children that he accepted this and found that during visits he could 'switch off' the resentment side and concentrate on his children, while getting to know the people who supervise. Now he's looking forward to a possible outing with them fairly soon (the children, that is!). Everyone is more relaxed and he has shown his credibility, even if we know it wasn't ever really in question.

Again, I'm sorry if this upsets and doesn't apply to your situation at all, perhaps the bad feelings between you and the staff just can't be resolved, but just wanted to give a possible alternative way of looking at it.

Best wishes,


Registered User
Nov 7, 2004
Thanls for all your replies.

The "well meaning" staff as you put it are not even well meaning. To cut a very long story short I was accused of indecent assault against my mother. I now have the proof (or should that be the lack of a stated phone call that was alleged to have been made) that these people were lying!!!

I am now being watched like a hawk as if "We know you did it but you managed to get away with it" so they're making sure I'm never alone with my mother so 1. They don't get into trouble and 2. that they can catch me if I attempt it again, which I didn't do in the first place.

Not only do we have to deal with our loved ones dementia, we also have to put up with care home staff. Talk about twice the hassle.

Sorry for the moan but I had a job interview today and didn't get it and have half a packet of Asda Digestive biscuits to last me till I get paid on Tuesday! So I've got that to deal with as well. Sorry but life's a bu**er at the moment!!

Keep smiling all