being reported to social services

gingernut45

Registered User
Mar 7, 2013
29
Cambrigeshire
On Friday, my step-daughter and step-son (both 20-odd years older than me) found out that their dad, my husband, was in respite care. They only found out because step-son wanted to visit his dad. Now step-daughter claims that I'm evil for doing this, I've neglected her father, leaving him dirty, not letting him watch tv and drugging him up to the eyeballs, making him sleepy, for a quiet life. Also for wrapping GP around my little finger to get drugs to keep her father quiet. Step-daughter told me that she's reported me to Social Services for neglect and she has an appointment to see Social Worker. Either she's full of hot air, or she's actually done it. If she has, I'm not really bothered as we have 2 lots of 3 hours care during the week, go to 2 drop-in groups a month and take our daughter to her centre 1 day a week, so if I was neglecting him, someone would have done something.
The trouble is that while my husband is Care home, he is the total opposite from what he's like at home. I've told the care home about this, and it's common for people with Dementia coming in for respite to be like this.
The wind has completely gone from my sails, just waiting to see what happens.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,005
Scotland
This is a horrible situation for you and turns the evil stepmother in its head - evil step kids more like. Your husbands carers will speak the truth about his condition and in the meantime I would have nothing more to do with these people who turn up only to hurt rather than to help.

Good wishes to you and your daughter.
 

gingernut45

Registered User
Mar 7, 2013
29
Cambrigeshire
This is a horrible situation for you and turns the evil stepmother in its head - evil step kids more like. Your husbands carers will speak the truth about his condition and in the meantime I would have nothing more to do with these people who turn up only to hurt rather than to help.

Good wishes to you and your daughter.
Thank you for your support, Marion.
 

amyging

Registered User
Jul 2, 2014
2
yorkshire
You have done what is right in your situation

On Friday, my step-daughter and step-son (both 20-odd years older than me) found out that their dad, my husband, was in respite care. They only found out because step-son wanted to visit his dad. Now step-daughter claims that I'm evil for doing this, I've neglected her father, leaving him dirty, not letting him watch tv and drugging him up to the eyeballs, making him sleepy, for a quiet life. Also for wrapping GP around my little finger to get drugs to keep her father quiet. Step-daughter told me that she's reported me to Social Services for neglect and she has an appointment to see Social Worker. Either she's full of hot air, or she's actually done it. If she has, I'm not really bothered as we have 2 lots of 3 hours care during the week, go to 2 drop-in groups a month and take our daughter to her centre 1 day a week, so if I was neglecting him, someone would have done something.
The trouble is that while my husband is Care home, he is the total opposite from what he's like at home. I've told the care home about this, and it's common for people with Dementia coming in for respite to be like this.
The wind has completely gone from my sails, just waiting to see what happens.
If only either of the step children had been alone for one week to look after their father solely they would not only have appreciated the situation you are in, but probably done what had to be done a lot sooner. You sound strong and sensible keep that in your heart and everything will get sorted out for you.
 

Nebiroth

Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
3,511
How often do the step-children visit or call about their father? Hardly at all by the sound of it if they only found out he was in respite care because the stepson happened to feel like dropping in. Well, wow, they really do take an interest in his welfare don't they?

Maybe you should suggest that instead of respite care your husband goes and lives with them for a couple of weeks. They won't want your help of course because all you do is "neglect" him anyway...
 

jellyfish

Registered User
Apr 30, 2014
182
West Midlands
Hello Gingernut45, I'm sure things will be ok as I expect social services see this all the time......probably guilt motivated but what spiteful relatives they are. Sometimes the least said is often the best as the carers can show their accusations are not true. As if life as a carer isn't hard enough without nonsense like this to deal with when it's unjustified. Sending you my best wishes and a hug x
 

SoyHJ

Registered User
Mar 16, 2013
477
Hi Gingernut. Please try not to worry too much. So your step daughter seems to think that the doctors, neurologists, neuropsychs, carers etc have all simply taken your word for how things are and drugs have been prescribed based on that evidence alone...! Oh,and carers are looking after a perfectly well person, presumably just to give themselves a break, a bit of a chat and a cuppa?

If she really has been in contact with Social Services, so much the better. Maybe she'll listen to them and, if not, YOU know what the full picture is. Don't let her worry you. You don't need this. x
 
Last edited:

Tin

Registered User
May 18, 2014
4,825
UK
I agree with all these posts, Step children need to learn more about dementia and work with you, It makes me so angry when relatives step in thinking they now whats what. You are doing the best you can and all the professional bodies will know this.
 

copsham

Registered User
Oct 11, 2012
586
Oxfordshire
Any one sensible can see that the complaints are just hot air. It is the doctor who decides on medication not you. To go into respite there must have been some level of assessment re its appropriateness. He doesn't watch the TV - how do they know, do they know if he can still concentrate on TV programme? Self care, as you say other peope will be aware of his well being - mind you you can encourage a person to be physicall cared for well but you cannot force them!

It is so sad when someone goes down hill with dementia but really awful when other relatives attribute blame.

Is there another agenda to get you out of their Dad's life re inheritance or such like?

If I were you I would explain to GP what is going on and ensure they know you are the concerned and caring wife!

Good luck

(I like your name - I can eat a packet of gingernuts yummm...)
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
On Friday, my step-daughter and step-son (both 20-odd years older than me) found out that their dad, my husband, was in respite care. They only found out because step-son wanted to visit his dad. Now step-daughter claims that I'm evil for doing this, I've neglected her father, leaving him dirty, not letting him watch tv and drugging him up to the eyeballs, making him sleepy, for a quiet life. Also for wrapping GP around my little finger to get drugs to keep her father quiet. Step-daughter told me that she's reported me to Social Services for neglect and she has an appointment to see Social Worker. Either she's full of hot air, or she's actually done it. If she has, I'm not really bothered as we have 2 lots of 3 hours care during the week, go to 2 drop-in groups a month and take our daughter to her centre 1 day a week, so if I was neglecting him, someone would have done something.
The trouble is that while my husband is Care home, he is the total opposite from what he's like at home. I've told the care home about this, and it's common for people with Dementia coming in for respite to be like this.
The wind has completely gone from my sails, just waiting to see what happens.
Respite doesn't happen without an assessment, you can't drug him to the eyeballs without a doctor's prescription (I assume you are not a dealer). Neglectful drug dealers do not take their victims to drop in centres to have their abuse evidenced and invite carers in. I doubt you would break that mould.

Please don't worry too much there are enough outside agencies to vouch for you.
 

gingernut45

Registered User
Mar 7, 2013
29
Cambrigeshire
Thank you to everyone for their support. I did ask step=daughter if she could take her dad in for a week or two, and she said no because I would be neglecting my job as wife etc and I should have been aware that this would happen given the age gap (45) years. If only we had crystal balls or the ability to see into the future. I had a problem with another of her brothers and I told him that if he didn't like the way I was looking after his father, why don't he take him in. His reply was no facilities, no time, couldn't spare the time - usual excuses. So quick to criticize, so slow to help.
thank you again.
 

gingernut45

Registered User
Mar 7, 2013
29
Cambrigeshire
Any one sensible can see that the complaints are just hot air. It is the doctor who decides on medication not you. To go into respite there must have been some level of assessment re its appropriateness. He doesn't watch the TV - how do they know, do they know if he can still concentrate on TV programme? Self care, as you say other peope will be aware of his well being - mind you you can encourage a person to be physicall cared for well but you cannot force them!

It is so sad when someone goes down hill with dementia but really awful when other relatives attribute blame.

Is there another agenda to get you out of their Dad's life re inheritance or such like?

If I were you I would explain to GP what is going on and ensure they know you are the concerned and caring wife!

Good luck

(I like your name - I can eat a packet of gingernuts yummm...)

No there is no inheritance, just a 45 year age gap and we've been married 27 years in August. I did have a quick chat to GP and he said that he wouldn't say anything if stepdaughter did phone up due to patient confidentiality. Either hubby gives written or verbal authorisation (he's not capable) or me (if I wish to).
Thanks for your kind words
 

lizzybean

Registered User
Feb 3, 2014
1,366
Lancashire
Why do people have to be soooo nasty. They obviously have some beef with you probably to do with their own mother I'm guessing? Like others have said you are doing a splendid job & just needed a break which (for anyone who has the slightest inkling of what being a carer of someone with dementia means) is totally understandable.
Ignore them, you have done nothing wrong.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,830
London
Your duty as a wife? What planet or better, what century does she live in? No person has duty to care for another person - that is ultimately the state's responsibility.
If she believes so strongly in duties, what about children's duty to look after their parents like in olden times? What a hypocritical mare.
 

ikky

Registered User
Jul 6, 2014
6
step children!

On Friday, my step-daughter and step-son (both 20-odd years older than me) found out that their dad, my husband, was in respite care. They only found out because step-son wanted to visit his dad. Now step-daughter claims that I'm evil for doing this, I've neglected her father, leaving him dirty, not letting him watch tv and drugging him up to the eyeballs, making him sleepy, for a quiet life. Also for wrapping GP around my little finger to get drugs to keep her father quiet. Step-daughter told me that she's reported me to Social Services for neglect and she has an appointment to see Social Worker. Either she's full of hot air, or she's actually done it. If she has, I'm not really bothered as we have 2 lots of 3 hours care during the week, go to 2 drop-in groups a month and take our daughter to her centre 1 day a week, so if I was neglecting him, someone would have done something.
The trouble is that while my husband is Care home, he is the total opposite from what he's like at home. I've told the care home about this, and it's common for people with Dementia coming in for respite to be like this.
The wind has completely gone from my sails, just waiting to see what happens.
Hi I have two step children who are 12 & 15 years younger than me and I have not told them that their Dad now has dementia. When I told them last year that he had mild cognitive impairment and I needed a break neither of them would have him to stay with them! The one said that she would ring him every week and 10 months on she's rung twice, the other one has visited once and never rung! I'm concerned about not telling them and expect them to make it difficult for me when they do find out but I was talking to a friend about it today and she said, " you have done everything you can for him, involved all the right people etc so how can they say anything" and I thought she's right, how can they?
You have done everything right, how dare they behave like that. Maybe they feel ashamed of themselves for not supporting you and that's why they are behaving so badly. Keep your chin up you are doing all you can. Ikky
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
West Midlands
Here comes a sweeping statement...

Any children who don't keep in contact cannot expect to have any say in what happens to their parent.




Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Pottypeg

Registered User
Aug 4, 2013
908
63
Ashbourne, Derbyshire
I agree with that 2Jays, if they had bothered to keep in contact with their dad, they would have known and understood the situation, my grandad always used to say, them with biggest & loudest gobs (mouths) have most to hide, so true many times. Guilty feelings maybe.

Anne
 

gingernut45

Registered User
Mar 7, 2013
29
Cambrigeshire
Why do people have to be soooo nasty. They obviously have some beef with you probably to do with their own mother I'm guessing? Like others have said you are doing a splendid job & just needed a break which (for anyone who has the slightest inkling of what being a carer of someone with dementia means) is totally understandable.
Ignore them, you have done nothing wrong.
Unfortunately their mother passed away in 1978 from cancer. Stepdaughter claims to have helped with her care while dad went out to work to support the 3 or so children at home (my hubby has 7 children with 1st wife and a disabled child, now 25 with me). their mother had to go into a hospice and they were not allowed to see her, as she had secondary lung tumours and was not a pleasant colour when she died. They are allowed to see their dad, but they can't be bothered with him while he's at home yet they are around him like flies when he's in care. They were like that when he was ill and in hospital.