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Being lonely

Penny8

Registered User
Sep 14, 2016
8
0
My husband is now in the late stages of this awful disease and in a care home. He has been there 3yrs and is now 59yrs old. I love him dearly, but I find I miss the close relationship of a partner. I’m 57 and there are times I feel so lonely. Does anyone else feel like this & if so what have you done to rectify it,
 

YorkshireLass

Registered User
Feb 15, 2017
221
0
Ilkley
My husband is now in the late stages of this awful disease and in a care home. He has been there 3yrs and is now 59yrs old. I love him dearly, but I find I miss the close relationship of a partner. I’m 57 and there are times I feel so lonely. Does anyone else feel like this & if so what have you done to rectify it,
Hi Penny, I really feel for you. My mum has Alzheimer's Disease so I'm not in the same situation as you. I can't really offer much in terms of advice but didn't want to read and run. Sending a big hug xx
 

Penny8

Registered User
Sep 14, 2016
8
0
Hi Penny, I really feel for you. My mum has Alzheimer's Disease so I'm not in the same situation as you. I can't really offer much in terms of advice but didn't want to read and run. Sending a big hug xx
Thank you so much x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,002
0
South coast
Hello @Penny8 I am 61 and my OH is 63, so we are both a bit older than you and your OH. but only by a few years. My OH is not yet at the stage of needing a care home, so I am still caring for him at home, but still it is lonely as he has lost empathy and I pretty much have to do everything. It is so difficult to keep up frienships and most people have no idea what it is like.

What were your interests pre-dementia? Painting, Italian speaking, car mechanics, or bread making? Can you pick one or two of them up and go to evening/day classes or volunteer a few hours a week doing community gardening, working in a charity shop or joining a walking group? Just do a something that will get you meeting other people and give you something else to think about.

I have started knitting again - I am part of a group that knits for charity. It gives me something to do to fill the silence at home and gives me a sense of self-worth - there are also the group meetings that get me out of the house for a couple of hours a week and the people there are a friendly, lively bunch. When OH has to move into a care home I intend to volunteer at our local library
 

Philbo

Registered User
Feb 28, 2017
844
0
Kent
Hello Penny8

My wife (PWD) are both 67 and she was diagnosed in January 2014 (like many others, it took around 2 years to get to this stage though).

I care for her at home still and we are still able to get down to the pub at weekends and she goes to the day centre each Wednesday.

Even in the early stages, the dementia (FTD) affected her speech and her cognitive abilities declined quite rapidly. Plus side is she's retreated into a happy place and no longer seems to suffer with the anxiety and worries that plagued much of our married life!

Like you though, I do find that although we are together pretty much 24/7, because she is no longer able to communicate well and she is in her own little world, I can feel quite lonely at times. And yes, I do miss the close relationship and hate that I am a carer now, not a husband.:(

We've made some very good friends from the pub and they provide a bit of a lifeline for me - adult conversation not the least. Some work in the caring profession (others have done so in the past) so they are very good at "caring for the carer".:)

As Canary said, exploring opportunities to get out and about, be that clubs, hobbies, volunteering etc will get you socialising more.

Good luck and keep us posted.
Phil
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
2,593
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
but I find I miss the close relationship of a partner

Hope what I'm going to say doesn't hurt your sensibility or anyone else's.
You are too young to live a lonely life, friends, also good friends, hobbies, also interesting hobbies are not enough.
If what you miss is a partner, hope you can meet a person to share your life with.
I know you have a husband you are still taking care of and feel responsible for, even though he is no longer at home.
I wouldn't blame you if you had a partner in your life.
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,518
0
South of the Border
Hope what I'm going to say doesn't hurt your sensibility or anyone else's.
You are too young to live a lonely life, friends, also good friends, hobbies, also interesting hobbies are not enough.
If what you miss is a partner, hope you can meet a person to share your life with.
I know you have a husband you are still taking care of and feel responsible for, even though he is no longer at home.
I wouldn't blame you if you had a partner in your life.

Neither would I - you are too young to be lonely like this. Your husband has not chosen this path, it has chosen him, but he has to go down it, just like my OH, and you can't go with him. The person in the nursing home, has your partner's name, and looks like him, but is not him. I feel like that with my OH.

I still love my OH, but as a lovely old gentleman who is slightly forgetful, and whom I live with.

My confidante, my friend, my lover, has gone.....

Get more friends, hobbies, get out and about - or if all that is too difficult, keep talking on here, please keep talking on here.....
 
Last edited:

Penny8

Registered User
Sep 14, 2016
8
0
Hello @Penny8 I am 61 and my OH is 63, so we are both a bit older than you and your OH. but only by a few years. My OH is not yet at the stage of needing a care home, so I am still caring for him at home, but still it is lonely as he has lost empathy and I pretty much have to do everything. It is so difficult to keep up frienships and most people have no idea what it is like.

What were your interests pre-dementia? Painting, Italian speaking, car mechanics, or bread making? Can you pick one or two of them up and go to evening/day classes or volunteer a few hours a week doing community gardening, working in a charity shop or joining a walking group? Just do a something that will get you meeting other people and give you something else to think about.

I have started knitting again - I am part of a group that knits for charity. It gives me something to do to fill the silence at home and gives me a sense of self-worth - there are also the group meetings that get me out of the house for a couple of hours a week and the people there are a friendly, lively bunch. When OH has to move into a care home I intend to volunteer at our local library
Hi, thanks for your reply, we both loved going to the theatre & going on holiday. Although I could go to the theatre alone, I couldn’t go on holiday, as I couldn’t go away “just in case” and I have a dog (who I wouldn’t put in kennels). Perhaps though, I will take away the thought of taking up an evening/day class. Thanks
 

Penny8

Registered User
Sep 14, 2016
8
0
Hello Penny8

My wife (PWD) are both 67 and she was diagnosed in January 2014 (like many others, it took around 2 years to get to this stage though).

I care for her at home still and we are still able to get down to the pub at weekends and she goes to the day centre each Wednesday.

Even in the early stages, the dementia (FTD) affected her speech and her cognitive abilities declined quite rapidly. Plus side is she's retreated into a happy place and no longer seems to suffer with the anxiety and worries that plagued much of our married life!

Like you though, I do find that although we are together pretty much 24/7, because she is no longer able to communicate well and she is in her own little world, I can feel quite lonely at times. And yes, I do miss the close relationship and hate that I am a carer now, not a husband.:(

We've made some very good friends from the pub and they provide a bit of a lifeline for me - adult conversation not the least. Some work in the caring profession (others have done so in the past) so they are very good at "caring for the carer".:)

As Canary said, exploring opportunities to get out and about, be that clubs, hobbies, volunteering etc will get you socialising more.

Good luck and keep us posted.
Phil
Hi Phil, thanks for your reply. It’s awful that this disease destroys the person you love, so that you don’t recognise them, and they certainly don’t recognise you. I’m going to look into some classes and hopefully that will help. Good luck to you
 

Penny8

Registered User
Sep 14, 2016
8
0
Hope what I'm going to say doesn't hurt your sensibility or anyone else's.
You are too young to live a lonely life, friends, also good friends, hobbies, also interesting hobbies are not enough.
If what you miss is a partner, hope you can meet a person to share your life with.
I know you have a husband you are still taking care of and feel responsible for, even though he is no longer at home.
I wouldn't blame you if you had a partner in your life.
Hi, no your reply didn’t hurt me, everything you say is true, it’s more of where do you start!! And then I suppose there’s the guilt. Thank you for your honest opinion
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,535
0
Hi, no your reply didn’t hurt me, everything you say is true, it’s more of where do you start!! And then I suppose there’s the guilt. Thank you for your honest opinion
QAbsolutely right. At a tangent, if I were to have a man friend as it were, the news would get around our area like wildfire. Crumbs, it seemed to me everything I did with OH was watched from windows and then commented on. I am still getting surveillance of this kind even though OH is in a nursing home. Only last week I had:
How do you like going to bed alone, then?
I bet your husband is happier than you are, being on your own.
You looked so sad when I saw you the other day ...

I still feel like the local object of pity. Anyone else get this?
And yes, by the way, of course you need loving attention, you are far too young to be without it.