Being cruel to be kind

[Linbrusco]

Its over 4 yrs since Mum & Dad last went on holiday together, and 4 yrs since various health issues for both, and Mums Alzheimers diagnosis 2013 and Dads cognitive impairment diagnosis 2014.

Mum goes on and on about the pair of them going away on holiday.
So far we have given non committal answers and basically gloss over it or have changed the subject.
I have told Mums sisters not to mention to Mum if they are going on holiday.
Now I have my sister and family going on a cruise, and feel we should have kept that quiet also.

Today Mum asked me about booking her and Dad a holiday. She knows she needs my help to do so.
Thinking of what to say...?

Sorry Mum the stress of Dad looking after you alone would be too great.
Sorry Mum, who would do your medication?
Sorry Mum, you know the pair of you would get lost, and you would be disorientated waking up in a strange place.
Sorry Mum, who would answer your questions when most confused.
Sorry Mum, who would help you find your lost plane, bus, train tickets, your money that you have hidden?
Sorry Mum, neither you or Dad know how to use your mobile phone in case of emergency.

So all I could think of was, Mum I'm sorry but I don't think its a wise idea to go on holiday without me or my sister to help you both. What if there was an accident or you needed our help. You wouldn't know who to call or what to do?

And Mum agreed
I thought she would put up some resistance, and tell me she could use her mobile phone.
It's so hard seeing your parents lose less and less independance.

We have taken Mum & Dad away for the odd weekend and over night but It is getting harder to do so. 2 nights away seems to be enough for Mum.
I often wonder if Mums "going on holiday" is her version of wanting to go home?

 

[BR_ANA]

You weren't cruel.

Cruel would be sending them on a vacation without care.

 

[lin1]

I agree you weren't cruel. in fact I think you handled it very well.

 

[opaline]

It's definitely not being cruel, it's keeping them safe, x

 

[marionq]

The going away for a few days is what I have decided to concentrate on nowadays and I don't have dementia. Over the last four years we have gone from trips to Canada and America to one week in France last year with a tour group to a situation where I cannot handle everything for both of us travelling abroad.

Holidays require you to be on top of things and so delays at airports ( twice resulting in being sent to a hotel overnight), lost items, packing etc and dealing with someone who cannot go out into the corridor to get ice from the machine without getting lost is just too much.

It is a kindness to your parents to dissuade them.. My husband often talks about holidays probably as we have always travelled but it just won't be happening.

 

[Beate]

No they can't go away on their own. But they could go away with you to a place like Revitalise where there are 24/7 nurses and volunteers and you don't have to think of anything yourself. Have you thought about something like that yet?

 

[BizzyLizzy]

This is a difficult one. Both my parents have dementia - mum with vascular and dad with Lewy Bodies (with Parkinsons Disease). We were in a similar position last year and ended up organising a long weekend away (5 days) with a large group of close family and their best friend. This meant that there were plenty of people around to help care for them so that my sister and I had some time to relax. We didn't leave the country though - we rented a large cottage in the Cotswolds. I don't think we could ever risk taking them abroad again. Don't ever think you are being cruel for caring - because you are not.

 

[Linbrusco]

No they can't go away on their own. But they could go away with you to a place like Revitalise where there are 24/7 nurses and volunteers and you don't have to think of anything yourself. Have you thought about something like that yet?

No Revitalise down here Beate but from what I have read about in the UK, it looks ideal.
Thankfully my parents passports have expired, and as they are still on British passports even after emigrating 54 yrs ago, to renew them would cost an arm and a leg.
Mum does know this and agrees it is far too much money
So no holidays abroad..... Mum can only just cope staying a few nights at my sisters

 

[Beate]

Oops - New Zealand. sorry!