Been crying all afternoon

[pippin_fort]

Another miserable day. Went to the home where my Dad is today and things seemed not so bad to start off with. He was up noon, a minor miracle for him and seemed pleased to see me. I had tried to get my husband to teel him last night that i was coming to take him to my Mum's grave to lay some flowers as the headstone was put in yesterday. My husband told me that he seemed to understand.

Today I explained things again and suggested that I help him have a shower (he has not had one for 6 weeks). We chose the shower gel and with gentle persuasion smiles and chocolate I got him to the room. he disappeared whilst i was putting his clothes down so i went back to get him. this time putting the shower on before he got there. When he saw the shower he just ran away again so i gave up that plan.

I thought lets just get him dressed. I battled with him for a bit with him karate chopping my arms. I evetually gave him a smack on the wrist when he hurt me to try and shock him and make him understand that he had hurt me. I did not hurt him though I must stress that, it was more of a shock tactic. It seemed to work for a bit and then he took everything that I had got on off again. Evenetaully a carer came in to help me and half an hour later after much heaving a sweating (he is a big strong man) he was dressed. We set off out of the home, but on our way out he undid his trousers and two people on the door stopped him outside in sight of my car. He pointed at the car . They insisted on trying to do up his trousers and then he just turned tail and went back inside. He went to sit in a lounge in the non-dementia unit and undid his shoes and took them off. He also started undoing his shirt. I was at his feet on the floor and just burst into tears. Two and a half hours wasted effort and great trauma.

He watched me crying and did not seem to understand, although he looked slightly concerned, but as he has no speech whatsoever i will necver know what was going through his head. When he eventaully got up I let him go back to his unit and left in tears. I laid the flowers on my Mum's grave on my own.

The downturn in his dementia over the last two weeks is just shocking. He had three moves in two months because of two mini strokes after his first move and then improvement when he went into nursing. He got thrown out of his last home for visiting another resident and kissing her on the cheek when her family complained. I feel like I have done this to him, although the rational side of me knows that it is not my fault. I have tried to do the very best for him but we seem destined to have an upsetting journey to the end.

 

[simonphillips]

Firstly *hugs*.

You are grieving for your father. This awful illness takes them away from us in tiny pieces or in bigger chunks, and so you grieve some more. We look at them and remember. Remember our childhoods, remember when they were the ones to run to when we were hurt or scared or happy or excited. We know we cannot do that now.

However I do believe that there is something deeper inside them than we can possibly reach that KNOWS us, loves us still and trusts us only to to do our best. It hurts, it is tiring, it makes us angry, it makes us scared, that trust. Yet, if you let it, it is the source of the strength you need.

Lastly, be gentle on yourself.

 

[florence43]

I'm so sorry. Your day sounds so sad and so similar to ones I've been through. It's not hard to remember all the emotions.

Holding it together is impossible some days, so please don't be too hard on yourself. There will be better days, and this will go down as one of the worst, because it just sounds as though nothing went right. Doubly hard would be the reason for your visit so you're coping with twice as much grief. That's too much for any caring person to bear.

I feel like this now when it's mothers' day, fathers' day, my birthday, mum's birthday...any occasion when the hammer hits me hard in the face. It's just cruel, for everyone. But then I can cry on a random visit too, but not as much as "the big days". I cried on Sunday, because I couldn't keep mum's attention for more than about 7 seconds. It was weird. She would lock eyes with me, seem to know me, then 7 seconds later stare right through me...glazed, and far away. After that...sleep. Deep, deep sleep for 20 minutes or so. Then another 7 seconds, and so it goes on.

I cried just looking at mum.

And I have cried buckets over the years, the most disturbing and hard to shake were the ones like you've experienced.

It's just rotten, isn't it? And this disease takes no prisoners, I suppose. Just know that we are here, and you can cry and write and cry some more. Release the torment and the tears will ease a little, (but probably not until tomorrow, in my experience ).

Take care and take a deep, deep breath, ready for the next day, xxx

 

[jenniferpa]

What a really rotten day for you. You don't need anyone to tell you you didn't do this, but rationality takes a back seat when guilt is around.

Hugs from me as well.

 

[dottyd]

I cried for the first time this afternoon/evening too.

My mum over the phone very nastily accused me of theft from her bank account.

She had got up early gone into town on her own to the bank asked them how much had been withdrawn and then accused me. I have no access to her bank account and it was her who had removed the money.

I was so upset, angry and stressed with her I shouted at her. I have been doing all sorts for her over the last few months and this was the last straw.

I know it's the illness. I know it's the illness. I know it's the illness. It still hurts though. That was just horrible.

It's always been just me and my mum since dad died and I feel awful for shouting at her. I hoped that if I lost my temper she might just remember what she has done.

Who knows.

It feels like a nightmare that you cannot wake up from.

We had a good day on Sunday laughing and everything just seemed like normal-then this bombshell.

I don't know what to say!

I just feel so sad.

 

[cragmaid]

Sometimes life sucks. But you are doing your most wonderful best. You are kind and caring and you don't give up when others would. I am removing the large stick so you can't beat yourself up any more and giving you a pat on the back instead.x.x.

 

[grove]

Love , Support & Prayer's for you Pippin , life is Hard at times But you are doing your VERY BEST May you find Peace & Strength again in the days to come


Love & Hugs Love Grove x x x

 

[dottyd]

Thanks x

Had a better day with her yesterday. She helped me look after my baby grandson and tried on her new clothes I had bought her.

Situation almost normal.