we were so sad to finally put my dad in a care home, but it had to be done as mums disabled and dads dementia got much worst after a stroke. he was very disorientated first asking to go home [his childhood address]....but after taking advice from angela on this site and the care workers at the home, we left dad at the home without bringing him to mums and he settled in much better and now goes back happily enough after a day out. last time we got him out he opened a tin of beans and put them on the stove ....without the pan....... and lit the gas, making mum realise even more he's in the right place:]
as for your dad and how he will feel i think it will be a lot better for him in the long run because he can't cope with your mum.
you know when my dad was at home before his stroke and before the care home, mum couldn't seem to get to grips with his illness. she would shout at him all the time and get really frustrated, and the rest of the family would feel so sorry for dad as it confused him more, but maybe sometimes the spouse still finds it the hardest to come to terms with dementia. even now mum will get snappy when dad keeps repeating one question like 'are you going now...' when we visit [he still thinks theres always something that has to be done]....and mum will get hurt i think, and she will end up snapping at him, and sometimes she still seems gobsmacked when dad does one of his strange rituals like putting on three pairs of trousers at once:]
my feelings on this are my mum once had a husband, a lover, a friend...and now she has this new person who is like a big toddler.....who dosen't seem to need her anymore...i think she's lonely for my old dad, very sad and frustrated, and being hardly able to get about, frightened also as dad was her right arm up until this terrible illness took him, and her hurt comes out in snapping at dad, but we gently remind her that he's not her big strong husband anymore, and now she has to take the carers role when he comes home for a few hours [well mentally at least, cos theres always someone there to help her look after him]
your dad needs the respite care urgently so he can come to terms with your mums illness because he can't go on with how he's been and your poor mum's welfare has to come first .... i really feel so sad for you as it must be heartbreaking watching both your parents becoming such different people, but please try to urge your dad to get your mum in a care home and then he can try to deal with his own feelings'
all the best
suzie