become necassary to go into care


Registered User
Aug 25, 2003
gravesend, kent
I have posted several times before about my mum, bruises and m opinion of dad's inability to cope. Things have come to a head now with mum in hospital with 4 severe injuries to her face, dad saying she has fallen. Whatever the causes, soc servs have becmoe involved and I think, and hope, they will not allow her home. Problem is, my dad still reluctant to accept this, despite all that has happened. Care home possibly available nearby. Has anyone had experience of a parent going into a care home and how the spouse, or carer has coped as well as the sufferer. Mum is very confused in hospital, knows who we both are and says she wants to go home. It's so awful. She's not that bad that she isn't aware of where she is but on the other hand, can't grasp where she is and why she's there, in hospital. How does the transition work and how will she cope still know she's nto at home?


Registered User
Oct 26, 2003
we were so sad to finally put my dad in a care home, but it had to be done as mums disabled and dads dementia got much worst after a stroke. he was very disorientated first asking to go home [his childhood address]....but after taking advice from angela on this site and the care workers at the home, we left dad at the home without bringing him to mums and he settled in much better and now goes back happily enough after a day out. last time we got him out he opened a tin of beans and put them on the stove ....without the pan....... and lit the gas, making mum realise even more he's in the right place:]

as for your dad and how he will feel i think it will be a lot better for him in the long run because he can't cope with your mum.
you know when my dad was at home before his stroke and before the care home, mum couldn't seem to get to grips with his illness. she would shout at him all the time and get really frustrated, and the rest of the family would feel so sorry for dad as it confused him more, but maybe sometimes the spouse still finds it the hardest to come to terms with dementia. even now mum will get snappy when dad keeps repeating one question like 'are you going now...' when we visit [he still thinks theres always something that has to be done]....and mum will get hurt i think, and she will end up snapping at him, and sometimes she still seems gobsmacked when dad does one of his strange rituals like putting on three pairs of trousers at once:]

my feelings on this are my mum once had a husband, a lover, a friend...and now she has this new person who is like a big toddler.....who dosen't seem to need her anymore...i think she's lonely for my old dad, very sad and frustrated, and being hardly able to get about, frightened also as dad was her right arm up until this terrible illness took him, and her hurt comes out in snapping at dad, but we gently remind her that he's not her big strong husband anymore, and now she has to take the carers role when he comes home for a few hours [well mentally at least, cos theres always someone there to help her look after him]

your dad needs the respite care urgently so he can come to terms with your mums illness because he can't go on with how he's been and your poor mum's welfare has to come first .... i really feel so sad for you as it must be heartbreaking watching both your parents becoming such different people, but please try to urge your dad to get your mum in a care home and then he can try to deal with his own feelings'

all the best



Registered User
May 28, 2003
Hi Alison
Im sorry to read that you have found yourself in this position.

You have to speak up to the hospital social worker who should be allocated to your Mums case, most definately, before she is discharged. This person is responsible, with the guidance of the nurses, to ensure that a full assessment is carried out, and so the suitability of where ever the consultant might recomend your Mum move on to, whether this be back home, with or without a care package or into a suitable care home.
Your Fathers wishes will be considered, and so will yours, IF you speak out now, ordinarily they may not contact you, so you must contact them.
They may suggest that your Mum return home with more paid workers visiting more frequently (if they have already been involved.)
It may be suggested that your Parents could have a trial period of Mum being cared for in a care home. Whilst this will be extremly difficult for your Father to come to terms with, in my experience, the carer starts to tolerate the situation after the initial stage.
I hope this helps you a little, please type back soon.


Registered User
Dec 22, 2003
Dear Alison, I have just read your message and it reminds me of my mother about 4 years ago. It is really hard in the beginning of the illness like when you say she still recongises you but cannot understand why she is in a home etc. We have been through that, I am of the opinion that it killed my Dad, who died nearly 3 years ago, what he went through with her was awful. She was initially in an EMI unit and then after about 2 years, went into a nursing home when she stopped walking and talking at the same time. About 3 years ago she simply forgot how to swallow and started to choke on her food. She then had a nasal feed inserted. After a year of this, it wasn't working properly and I was asked to sign for a a peg feed operation. That was two years ago and I regret having made that decision on my own. I signed and extended her dismal life to date. She has not eaten or drank anything for 3 years now. She has no quality of life and in my opinion, died about 5 years ago. This woman now is not my mother anymore. She has just been dischaged from hospital after a month because she was admitted there vomiting blood. They have now sorted that out and she is now back in the nursing home, again. I suffer from depression because of this illness.



Registered User
Dec 26, 2003
need to go into care

From my experience this is a really hard time for you. If you're not in touch with your local Alzheimers group, now might be a good time to make contact. they'll be able to listen with real understanding and might know more of the local situation - may have advice re the best homes.

when my mother had to go into care it was heartbreaker, her lack of perception of the risk to her own and my father's health if she remained at home meant she violently denied the need for full time care.

thinking of you
Best wishes


Registered User
Nov 26, 2003
Hi Alison

Your parents story sounds so so familiar. My mum has also just gone into care. As much as I hate it I know it is for the best. As well as having alzheimers my mum is blind and I know she had bruising. She was also saying similar things to your mum about going home one minute and then not the next. Just before she went into the home dad was so stressed. I managed to get some respite care for the first time last September for a week. Dad couldnt stand her being there. Strange....cant live with her but cant live without her either. This all came to a head when dad left the stair gate open and mum, on her way back from her numerous trips to the loo, went the wrong way and fell down the stairs, top to bottom. I know he loves my mum so much but there was a niggling doubt in my mind as to whether that was the true story or not. I wasnt there at the time, so I guess I will never know. I think her blindness saved her in a way as she had broken nothing but looked like she had gone 10 rounds with a heavyweight boxer. Two black eyes, legs, arms and torso covered in bruising. If she hadnt gone in (she has been there two weeks) I just feel something awful would have happened. I stayed up there for a while but had to come home and i feel so bad because i live 650 miles away and the first week she was there i felt so very guilty. I kept thinking of her sitting all alone. I know this happens cause Dad tells me as he goes up to see her every day and is still getting so angry as she has clothes on which dont belong to her even though she has lots of her own clothes there and the other day when he went up she was sat dressed but with bare legs and feet and it was extremely cold (they live in Scotland). Its a bit of a catch 22 situation i'm afraid. I know my sympathising with you is not gonna make you feel any better about your mum being in a home but sometimes it can be for the best even though it doesnt always feel like it.

Take Care


Registered User
Dec 22, 2003
Hi Gypsy, thanks for your message, isn't this illness absolutely the same pattern for them all? Please keep an eye on your mum now she is in a home although I know it is difficult being so far away. Is it emi or nursing? I know that when mother went into an emi unit and still walking around and talking, she was very hard to handle, sometimes passing the visitors at the front door and then there would be a search party for her. She even climbed through a window once to escape. Because of this I know that the carers often lost their rag with her, which was not really surprising.
One day I had to take something to her room, it was along two quiet corridors. Suddenly I heard a howling sound like an injured animal. When I arrived at the second corridor, there were two male 'carers' roughing up an old man called Jimmy. As I approached, the men looked startled and made an excuse that Jimmy wouldn't take his medication. I was disturbed by what I had witnessed. Shortly after, Jimmy died. My mother frequently had bruising on her face, I didn't know about the rest of her body as I didn't inspect. The excuse was always that she had fallen. Once when she had a black eye I was told that she had fallen out of bed and banged her face on her bedside table. I reminded them that she had not had a bedside table for some time. There was no answer to that. I think when she stopped walking and talking and needed a nursing home, it probably saved her as she is totally quiet now and not as much of a handful as she was. Incidentally, I transferred her from that first home into another.

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