Am getting the much fought for and longed for respite tomorrow, of course it's with the conditions attached that I have to go twice a day for the oxygen and if she's "unsettled" I must take her home immediately. Let's face it mum is unsettled in her own house so I don't hold out much hope for this respite, I haven't even packed for her yet. I don't have a time limit as she's being brought down on a 'see how it goes basis' so basically I can't make any arrangements to do much, whilst waiting to see if she's getting thrown out. Surely this can't be right? I feel terribly let down by my family and the social services. I have finally got the respite so why have I spent the past 2 hours crying? My fiance has been great but I think maybe this is all wearing a little thin now. It's his 40th this week and I haven't even mentioned it. I feel such a failure for not handling the whole mum thing well and not being a fascinating and exciting fiancee. He hasn't said this but I feel it. I am using this forum as a councillor. I just need to vent this tonight, it's doesn't matter if anyone reads it, I can get it out here. I feel so incredibly lonely. You see, everyone is shouting about me needing more help etc, but what is really killing me is watching my mum deteriotate. I dread the mornings as her lung disease is getting worse and washing and dressing her is a nightmare. She looks like she's having a heart attack and everyday I have to gadge if I should get an ambulance or not, then she can miraculously come round and appear normal again. I ring doctors and tell the family and when they see her she's great. I'm starting to feel like they think I'm making it up. My father has seen it. People seem to think that because I look after her that the dementia and the other illnesses don't effect me, that I can deal with it. If anything, because we have been so close and spend every waking hour together it is tearing me apart. All the respite and help in the world can't take away this terrible grief in my heart. It's like someone has ripped away a piece of my soul, and losing my faith hasn't helped. I feel cast adrift in a sea of terrible despair. I know there are lots of you suffering like this and much worse. I feel for you all in your terrible pain as I am beginning to struggle with it everyday myself. I just want to feel I can talk, I'm so desperate to talk and I can do it here on an empty screen without having to see the uncomfortable expression on people's faces or deal with the angry response I always get from my own family for daring to mention I'm struggling, or mum's getting worse. I feel a bit more able to cope already by writing this. I'm sorry guys, I'm not looking for sympathy, I know you all are in despair too, I just need to process my own thoughts and see what's going on in my head and I can do this here. Maybe I should just press delete. Maybe I won't Maybe this will help someone else see that you're not bloody abnormal when you feel like you can't keep going. As Scarlett says, "Tomorrow is another day". I can honestly say I'm dreading putting mum in respite tomorrow. I'm sorry I bleated on about it so much now. It's no magic wand, the pain's still there as big and throbbing as it always has been. Thanks for listening guys. Thanks for being there.