balancing my mil with my family.

[Barnsey]

Hate these kind of days.....This may be really jumbled up but have no idea where to start so I'm just going to type.... My mil wants to be out all the time. Even struggle to get time alone with my 12 year old daughter. Today was the normal discussion we have when I go to visit my mum. I took mil out this morn to the shops. We came home , put shopping away and made sure mil was settled. Had to visit my parents. My mum and I worked in a residential home years ago so knew what dementia/alzheimers was and how it affects people differently. And my grandad had fast onset a few years ago, he went from diagnosed to passed away within 18months. This is leading to I thought my mum would Be a bit more understanding. Sadly no, and I really am stuck between a rock and a hard place. My mum hates to see me do everything for my mil. And I feel guilty for spending more time with mil than my mum.and as a mum of a teenager i really do feel it but how on this earth do I split myself ......so fed up.

 

[tre]

Perhaps your mum's "lack of understanding" is her way of saying that maybe your partner should be doing a bit more to share the load as presumably it is his mother. She perhaps thinks you are neglecting your family, but having said that, this is exactly what I have to do by caring for my husband, but we are talking about my caring for a spouse which is a bit different and our youngest child is 35 not 12. This seems very hard on your daughter and on you especially as it seems your mum is on your case as well. Is there no-one else in the family who could help you out or do they all think you are coping wonderfully at no personal cost?
Tre

 

[Barnsey]

Perhaps your mum's "lack of understanding" is her way of saying that maybe your partner should be doing a bit more to share the load as presumably it is his mother. She perhaps thinks you are neglecting your family, but having said that, this is exactly what I have to do by caring for my husband, but we are talking about my caring for a spouse which is a bit different and our youngest child is 35 not 12. This seems very hard on your daughter and on you especially as it seems your mum is on your case as well. Is there no-one else in the family who could help you out or do they all think you are coping wonderfully at no personal cost?
Tre

Unfortunately there is no other family. Well my mil has a brother who has refused to lookaccept her diagnosis of Alzheimer's. "She just needs to do more." . her son/my husband is so laid back he's horizontal. I can honestly say the only reason I stay is I refuse to lose what my life was supposed to be. Must explain she hadn't been diagnosed when she first came to live with us. She had lost her husband, then lost her oldest son( passed at home.) She was diagnosed about 7 yrs later. I love my husband and my big baby more than the world and that's the reason I do all I do.....but not happily....

 

[MerryWive]

Unfortunately there is no other family. Well my mil has a brother who has refused to look accept her diagnosis of Alzheimer's. "She just needs to do more." . her son/my husband is so laid back he's horizontal. I can honestly say the only reason I stay is I refuse to lose what my life was supposed to be. Must explain she hadn't been diagnosed when she first came to live with us. She had lost her husband, then lost her oldest son( passed at home.) She was diagnosed about 7 yrs later. I love my husband and my big baby more than the world and that's the reason I do all I do.....but not happily....

Well I am sure MissMerlot will have some comments in this regard!

I am also helping look after my MIL and I can say both her sons (ie my husband and brother in law) do all of the actual work including the 'dirty work' and they do not feel that I should have to do it. I just help with keeping things in order, keeping her calm and feeding her etc. However it is true that she is at a stage where practical support is the bulk of what is needed. Earlier on it is more emotional so perhaps that is why women are sometimes naturally more at ease with it?? [sorry if that sounds sexist at all I am just clutching at straws really!]

Ultimately with things already as they are for you no-one will step up unless you step back, so you need to set firm boundaries and reinforce them until people start to listen. Don't feel bad about it just assert your needs calmly without an emotional charge.

 

[Kevinl]

I don't think any of us are happy Barnsey (I've almost forgotten the concept) but you do what you have to do, day in day out. You have a difficult dynamic a mother, a mother in law and young child/ren you must be spread thinner than " butter scraped over too much bread." as JRR Tolkien once wrote. I in a strange way envy those who can just walk away from it all, how easy is their life regrettably it just leave more for the rest of us to do. The meek shall inherit the earth but only when the rest have finished with it.
K

 

[Barnsey]

I know there's lots of people into he same boat and feel selfish for complaining but when you have a hard day it is difficult to see the light. I treat everyday as it comes, much as I know it will be mostly the same as all the others. Maybe I do need to look into ways I can take a step back. My mum says the same. So maybe I also need to stop being so stubborn and listen rather than getting stressed. Mum only has my best interests at heart. On the up side, today is a new day! Xxx

 

[Linbrusco]

Barnsey I'm not sure how the UK system works but is it possible to get someone in to sit with your MIL, so that you can either spend time with your Husband, Mum or daughter.
Even a neighbour, or any other family member?

My Mum has moderate AD and Dad has cognitive impairment.
They live in their own house behind ours.
My husband has health issues, we have 2 children 12 & 17 and I work part time.
My husbands parents passed away years ago, so can't imagine what it would be like balancing everything and trying to keep everyone else happy.

Actually in all of this you spend so much time trying to keep everyone else happy, it is true what they say that in the process you neglect yourself.

In saying this I am booking tickets for my husband to go overseas and see his sister and brother and have a 10 day break

 

[RedLou]

As I see it -
your daughter is your priority.
These are precious years you will never get again. If you spend them looking after your mother-in-law - who has had her life - will you look back one day and regret your actions?
If the answer is yes, or possibly yes, you have to do something now --
sit down with your OH and tell him what you want to happen
step back regardless of whether he steps up to the plate
You can hand back responsibility.
But don't get into a cycle of doing nothing about it and feeling sorry for yourself - that way depression lies.
IMHO.
*Hugs* Good luck.

 

[Sue123]

I am pretty much in the same situation.
My Mum has Dementia so she lives with me.
I also work full time as well. On top of this i have a teenage Son who doesnt live with me & a Sister & Boyfriend who live in a different city.

It always feels like i am neglecting someone whilst i am with 1 of the others.
My Son & Sister help when they can & my Boyfriend is very understanding but i still feel like i am being split between them all.

 

[PamD]

Barnsey, Is there a day centre that MiL could go to once a week or even more often?

That would put a bit more time back into your week so that you could spend time with daughter and parents. We lived with my mother in her bungalow for four years and it was the day centre days which kept us sane: we could wave her off onto the bus at quarter to 9 in the morning and know that the time was ours till 4pm. (Her home is in the far corner of the county so it was quite a long journey, but luckily she enjoyed coach trips and always told us how much she'd enjoyed seeing other people's gardens and the daffodils - at any time of year. If she'd lived nearer the day centre our days off would have been shorter.) It was an "Enhanced Day Care" place, geared up to people with dementia, and I was always very happy with the care and attention she had there - in fact my one worry about her going into a care home was that she wouldn't get the dementia-oriented activities and specialiased care staff that she had at the day centre.

Are you in touch with Social Services? If not, then you need to be, to talk about carer burnout and the need for carer support and Day Centre place. Respite breaks too: do you ever get a chance to go on holiday with daughter and husband? You should be able to. If MiL doesn't like the idea, then, frankly, tough. You have rights too. Best of luck. Pam

 

[Dill]

Hi Barnsey

If I was in your position I would pick up your MIL and take her back to your husband so he can spend some time with her and he take her out if necessary. Then I would take your daughter to your Mums and take both of them out shopping and a treat.

Time with your daughter is paramount, mine is now 17 and time has flown by, she is independent to a large extent.

If you are doing all the work no one else need bother.

Hope you can make a few changes and life gets easier, you are a star doing all that for your MIL

Dill

 

[tre]

Crossroads carers will take the caree out. You may be able to get 72 hours free care from them ( as I did) and this could give you at least three hours per week me time. I would ask for a carers assessment if you have not had one already and see what help is on offer. Do this not only for your daughter but for you too. To put it bluntly MIL is not going to improve so don't leave it until you are on your knees to ask for help.
Your other half sounds reminiscent of my first husband- more like having another child to consider than someone to share the load. I do not have any family help either which is why I would urge you to seek outside assistance.
Tre

 

[Barnsey]

Thank you for all your comments and ideas. Will def have a look into day centres for mil to go to, and even look into carers for her. I def agree something needs to give so finger out of the hole and do it! I always try and think how mil would feel about things as in if doing thing would make her anxious but starting to realise sometimes you need to use the tough love approach. And learn there's nothing wrong with not being able to do it all...... Thank you everyone. Xxx