Bad Weekend... tears ..... need hug!!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by DaisyG, Jul 17, 2006.

  1. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    183
    North West England
    I don't know where to start.

    A lot of you on TP will have read about my 'in-law dilemas' .. and I've just had another BAD visit from MIL.


    I've been trying my best to 'involve/keep' them informed of 'our situation' so as not to upset them .... but it appears that in doing so I've 'upset' quite a few people along the way.


    I've recently been trying to hold things together with my husbands 'increasing violent' behavior ... and I've told the family so.
    I've NOT told them ... expecting any 'sympathy' .... BUT just to let them all know what I am having to 'deal' with.


    (GP is contacting the hospital doctors do they can review his current medication).


    MIL's answer was that she once had a friends husband who became violent when hungry ... so ALL I have to do is feed him !!


    SIL 's comment was...
    "I don't see what the problem is .... all you have to do is kick his stick out of your way... make him fall over so you can run away!!'
    (She said this all laughingly).

    (He's had multiple strokes for those of you who do not already 'know'
    ..... and if he fell over there is NO CHANCE of him getting up !!).

    I said that he has 'grabbed and hurt' me when he has been sitting down .....
    complete silence ... then....... change of conversation........



    MIL has been on the RANT again about hubby going out to do 'something'.. you know a course or something...
    She does not like the fact that most of the day he is sat 'doing nothing'.


    She does NOT want to EVER hear me say AGAIN that he has 'memory problems' ... it's no excuse !!!
    It does him NO GOOD what so ever to hear me say these things.. and in fact I'm probably making things worse !!


    I've told her that I've been in touch with the memory co-ordinator at the centre that we have attended in the past, and she says that she does not think that she has anything suitable for us to go to... at the moment.

    MIL says that this is not good enough ... and we should attend anyway.

    Course numbers are limited anyway ... and there really does seem no point, when he has already done an 'identical one'.


    MIL wants to see us go out 'every day' !!

    I've explained that when we do 'go out' he is ALWAYS so frustrated / disorientated / angry / upset / unsettled / lost / +++
    when we return... that it takes DAYS for him to settle again...
    BUT this is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

    If we were to go out every day ... he would not be this way !!




    On another note...

    How can I make my husband believe me when he starts on at me about losing/selling/stealing 'things' .... when we NEVER HAVE had them in the first place ? !!
    How do you PROVE something like that?


    I've spent a weekend 'defending myself' ....
    He's spent the weekend believing I've lost / stolen / sold belongings that we have NEVER HAD !!!

    I should be a rich women by now ... according to him !!


    Any thoughts out there?



    Also, news on my mum...
    I thought a few weeks ago that this was going to the 'the end' for my mum.. the VERY week that I had my FIRST respite ....
    Well, it looks pretty grim at the moment...
    She's refusing to see anyone... and has stopped eating etc... for days...

    Husband still can't 'remember from day to day that she is in hospital'....

    Thought I'd share things with you all....



    Take Care

    DaisyG
     
  2. BonnieRose

    BonnieRose Registered User

    Mar 27, 2006
    16
    taunton
    bad weekend

    hi Daisy, I really feel for you. I had my mother staying with me last week and now realise that I won't be able to cope if she lived with me. You must stress just how bad your husband is to relatives although I understand you want to protect them-you must think of yourself for once. My mother is very deaf so repeating myself is twice as bad but it is so tough for us carers, at least I don't have her here at the moment - but I do get endless phone calls! I found her very demanding, following me around all day and wanting to go for walks, there's no way I had time to come on here! Please get all the help you can from the S S and relatives, I'm thinking of you.
    Love Julianne
     
  3. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Daisy, I despair FOR you! Don't really know what to say to help - but there's a virtual box of tissues and big shoulder here for you - the big hug almost goes without saying..... but just in case.......BIG HUG!!!!!

    Love Karen (TF), x
     
  4. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    Bad weekend-tears-need hug

    Dear Daisy G.
    Your situation sounds quite intolerable and I don't think your in-laws are any help to you at all. If I were you, I'd keep contact to an absolute minimum! Your husband seems very unsettled and disturbed, and my Mum was also very unhappy when she first went into her NH. After several months of adjusting her medication she seems to have calmed down and is behaving more normally. Couldn't the SS arrange some day care so that you could have a break once or twice a week?
    I don't know what else to suggest, but I shall be thinking of you.
    Kayla
     
  5. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Answer is that you will never be able to do so, so just try to distract him in any way you can.
    there is no arguing with dementia
    This is a stage, may be quite long, depending on medication. Just try not to let it get to you. May be impossible. But at least try!

    as for the in-laws..... all I would say is the old adage "there are more out on the streets than were ever locked up! Never worth looking at rubbish in depth.
     
  6. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    Daisy

    If I was in your shoes I would tell your In Laws ..........HE IS ALL YOURS for 2 weeks because I am off on a well deserved break before i land up in a mental home / hospital

    Let them deal with your husband on a daily bsis

    It will be make or break

    Desperate situations need desperate measures
     
  7. mojofilter

    mojofilter Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    130
    St.Helens
    Hi Daisy,

    I wish that I had an answer for you ..... I'm finding that people who have little or no contact with an AD suffer can seriously underestimate this terrible illness and the destructive effect that it can have on a carer...

    Just remember that if they've not walked the walk then they can't talk the talk...

    *hugs*

    Paul
     
  8. kazlou

    kazlou Registered User

    Feb 3, 2006
    75
    Surrey
    Hi Daisy,

    A BIG HUG FOR YOU.

    I would ask your in-laws if they would like to be his carer for a fortnight, I reckon even a day would enlighten them !!!!

    Love
    Kaz xxxxx
     
  9. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield

    Oh Daisy
    You must feel so isolated with the lack of support....every time you write more about them the more frustrated and angry I feel for you...
    Go with Helena's advice......then they can come up with some advice to help:rolleyes:
    Love and a great big
    cuddle
    Love
    Wendy
    x
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I agree with Bruce there just no arguing with them and that stage does last a while it does pass ,as it did with my mother just don’t take it personally it the confusion that the brain damage is doing to his mind that’s why there is no reasoning with him , its early days for you and I do feel for you , but the day does come that you can surge (sp)the accusation of with out taking it personally it just take time .
     
  11. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    183
    North West England
    Thank you from DaisyG

    Dear all at TP


    Thanks for your comments and thoughts so far.

    We seem to be back on the 'stealing loop' thingy... again...


    We had a BAD SPELL of it a few weeks ago, and between then it was only an 'occasional thing'...

    BUT this last weekend for some reason... got him back in a 'loop' that he could NOT get out of..... FOR HOURS....!!


    No amount of distracting ... would work !
    (I'm an expert too !!)....


    Food ... has been a good one in the past ... but he seemed to know that I was 'trying it on' .... and even the food ploy wouldn't work !!


    He did have a fit / seizure on Sunday morning... so the repetition may have has something to do with his brain chemistry being out of synch ...


    How can I PROVE to 'family' that I have not stolen anything... when my husband tells them I have?
    I 'think' they believe him in a strange kind of way...



    It's a VERY difficult situation ... feeling as though I have to PLEASE everyone.

    I've tried the 'ignore' technique with the 'in-laws' ... but they GET REALLY CROSS WITH ME for not keeping in touch.
    THEY SAY THEY ARE JUST TOO BUSY ... AND IT IS UP TO ME TO RING EVERONE... NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND.
    They have called me 'an irresponsible little b****' for not letting them know what we are up to.....

    I cannot cope with their 'anger', as well as my husbands...


    A couple of you have commented about the possibility of them (the family) doing the caring... to see what it is really like....
    THEY WON'T ....
    Been there tried that....


    They don't see what the problem/s are.
    I've worked my socks off...in getting them to see things my way....



    They only see their brother for such a VERY SHORT period of time (MONTHS AND MONTH APART) ............ and usually he appears OK ish... (repetative.. confused.... cross...) not the 'real' everyday person that I live with...

    THIS HAS TO MAKE SENSE TO SOOO MANY OF YOU.....



    Why is it that my husband is able to 'make himself' appear a 'little better' than he actually is... when we have a 'visit' ....?
    People have 'seen him' confused... repetative.... BUT NEVER the stealing thing.....

    'He's done this A LOT with the doctors at the hospital too !!

    "Of course I can take care of myself... and have a shower... what kind of person do you think I am?" .....
    (He's not able to do this for years now....
    I only hope the doctors take my NOTES ... and not MY HUSBANDS !!)

    I know they are used to the behavior 'thing' ....
    I'd love to see what they write in the 'notes' ...

    AWF - away with fairies !!


    Thanks everyone..

    DaisyG
     
  12. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    Oh how I empathise with you

    My Mother is just the same ,,,,,,,she would have the doctors or anyone else believing her its only family who see the crazies or hear them on the phone

    Thankfully I do not have to live with my Mother ........i still say throw down an ultimatum to your in laws

    Look after him for 2/3/4 weeks or ELSE i will put him in respite and you can go argue with his doctors .........I have had it up to here and am at break point
     
  13. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    bad weekend need a hug

    Hi Daisy G
    I can symphathise with you, my Mother is just the same and you can have all the hugs you want from me. Although, I have to agree with Helena. Let the in-laws try coping for 1 week never mind 2. I think giving them an ultimatum, of respite or them, will show their true colours. It doesn't matter what they think of you, you know you are doing the best you can for your husband. It should be down to them to phone you. You have enough to deal with without having to report in. You should try for some respite anyway, it sounds like you need it
    Alfjess
     
  14. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    hi daisyg

    i think you should invite your inlaws around, then tell them your popping to the shops for something(milk, sugar) then just go on holiday and leave them too it,

    i know it sounds good in theory but how you put up with all the stuff they throw at you is beyond me,
    take care of yourself daisy there is only so much you can take without snapping (i know ive been there and read the book)
    thinking of you x
     
  15. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Ah, if only life were that simple, it would be a brilliant idea.

    But that is what makes the difference between DaisyG and the family concerned.

    DaisyG is a carer, thus, she cares. If you care you can't go on holiday like that.
     
  16. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    hi brucie
    your right if only things were that simple!

    i havent had a holiday apart from 1 night away for my birthday last month for three years,
    and im not even my mums main carer. my dad is.
     
  17. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    Hi Daisyg

    It really sounds as though your in-laws are definately in total denial - they just don't want to accept that there's anything seriously wrong.

    In one way - it's understandable - I didn't really want to believe that Mum had AD - after all, it's not something you can help to make better. It's there and it's only going to get a lot worse. You feel totally useless. But that's no reason to offer you no support at all - after all you are family.

    If I was in your position, I would carry on regardless of them, get as much outside help as was on offer and I certainly wouldn't be running round after them ringing them to telll them what's going on. If they care about your husband, then let them ring to find out how he is. I also wouldn't give two hoots if they thought I'd been stealing stuff - you know what is going on and that is what is important.

    I know my mum is always going on about people stealing her stuff in the home - the haridresser even stole the buttons from her good skirt!:(

    Do you have any family of your own, or good friends you can rely on for help?

    I hope you doctor supports you

    Thinking of you

    Libs
     
  18. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #18 Margarita, Jul 19, 2006
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2006
    This stealing and hiding thing is very hard to believe ourselves when it happens to us & trying to not take it personnel.

    Yes you’re in law sound like the in-law from hell can you not organise a dementia nurse to come to your house and explain it to your MIL? So your MIL may have a littlie insight that the stealing is just part of forgetting where they put it in the first place, dementia nurse could explain it better to your mother in law.

    Yes my mother was very good at hiding that there was anything wrong with her when people came around the only give away ,if the person that came around has any intellect Would notice that they can not keep up with the thread of the conversation when there a group of people talking .

    The shower part I found with my mother was a pride thing not admitting defeat as it all progress your find it easier to take more control or may be easer is not the word your just got to get someone in to help you , that’s far of yet so try not to take the remake personnel


    Not related to any thing that you have said ,but would like to share I read that when some people with dementia swear a lot its because they forget how to express the right words can’t remember the right words to use so the word that did remember was a swear word out of anger confusion in what is happening in there brain
     
  19. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Hi Daisy,
    I am so sorry for your troubles. Do you have a video camera or could you borrow one? It is the one way I can think of that you can document events and show others ( doctors and family) what you are going through.
    As far as changing the inlaws, forget it. You can't argue with ignorance. You can't change your husbands condition, so what can you change? You can change how you are reacting to all these negatives in your life. It takes alot of energy to deal with negatives and if your vulnerable, it will suck you dry. ( been there, done that too)
    Look for solutions that don't involve your inlaws because they aren't going to help. If they make it worse, cut them out of your life as best you can. Surround yourself with as many positives, positive people, positive support etc, as you can. Be around people that don't live to bring you down.
    AD is hard enough and it's spin off problems "downers" all by themselves without the negatives creeping in that people seem to enjoy inflicting.
    Take care of yourself. I say this as I sit with an ice pack on a knot in my shoulder from stress! We do more harm to ourselves than others can ever inflict upon us.

    Debbie
     
  20. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Hello Daisy- what a nightmare you are having. Advice is not easy as you are LIVING with the problem but my goodness we all know and understand how difficult it is. Try to ignore these awful people around you and concentrate on good friends, social workers, medics etc. Have you got a good GP who can perhaps 'advise' the ILs. - somehow, somebody should be putting them in their place and telling them to either let you get on with caring or to help you share the burden (the latter option sounds unlikely!).

    Bruce is so right - it is because you care that all this is getting to you. Its just at a time when all the help and moral support is needed when these evil folks upset the applecart.

    Best wishes - stick to you guns - we all know you are doing your utmost. Beckyjan
     

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