1. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Hi

    I'm sorry, but its been a really horrible week and I just need to moan. Mum has been fighting me over every little thing and I don't know how much longer I can hold things together.

    The mum one of my friends recently passed away having been in a care home with Alzheimers for a couple of years, her funeral was on Tuesday and I really wanted to go to support my friend.

    Tuesday is mum's luncheon club day. Normally I take her and collect her, but with the funeral timed for late morning I couldn't do both. Mum had been absolutely fine about going on her own. I booked a taxi for mum, confirmed where she was going with them and sorted roughly the correct amount for the taxi so that mum wouldn't have to find change. All was well.

    Half an hour before I needed to leave (and 45 mins before mum was due to leave) mum did a huge u-turn. Mum said she did not go to a club on a Tuesday, never had, never would and I certainty couldn't make her. She told me I was a controlling b*tch, but I wasn't going to control her, she was taking the dog and going home to her mum.

    I will be honest, I've read the compassionate communication thread, but it went out of the window. I was angry, frustrated and upset. There was no way I could go to the funeral. When the taxi came I took her to her club and she was as nice as pie to me in front of the others there. When I went to pick her up she asked me had I gone to the funeral? I said no and her answer was you probably blame me for that, but its your fault not mine. Mum can barely remember anything for more than a few minutes, yet she seemed quite aware of what had happened earlier.

    That is just a taste of this week. I've been called a b*tch so many times. I'll suggest something, she'll agree it, then change her mind instantly and I'm taking over, controlling her and so on. I know people are dealing with much more challenging behaviour, but I'm having a really hard time not taking her nastiness personally. I know I'm meant to remind myself its the Alzheimers, not mum, but the nastiness is mum all over, just heightened.
     
  2. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    So sorry you are having to deal with this. My mum was quite nasty before dementia and at times the dementia just took all inhibition away. Its si hard to not take it personally when uou have had a lifetime of it.
    Sending you a big hug. I started agreeing with mum and that stopped her in her tracks.
     
  3. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    139
    I can really empathise with everything you have written and had a near mirror situation with my own Mum when I had to miss the funeral and then the memorial service for someone who had been a mentor, inspiration and just a fabulous person in my life.
    I relate to all the terrible personal attacks but when this starts I now tell her straight I won't tolerate it and literally walk away until she calms down. Like you I do all the compassionate communicating but I have my own threshold and when that is crossed, self-preservation also has to kick in. Mum's memory is very very poor but somehow when anger is involved, she seems to retain info and understanding a lot longer ....I have wondered if adrenalin somehow plays a part? Mum always had a volatile, edgy personality too and now it is given full reign. I do blame the disease and have become thicker skinned about it all. When your Mum is calm, do you tell her how unkind she has been .....I have done a couple of times and Mum has been mortified and full of contrition ....she says she doesn't remember or know why but has asked me to always remember she doesn't mean it ....that has sustained me sometimes.
    I hope you can take strength from remembering that you are still the one there and many many others have the same battles and will tell you just how amazing you are for being that pillar of strength. You've got my vote!
     
  4. Frederic H

    Frederic H Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    75
    Devon
    Lavender
    I know exactly how you feel as I am in the same boat, what ever I do or say is met by abuse only verbal,but it goes on for so long I could almost............her.
    I went to Church this morning then sat in my car and cried - it is all so unfair- I rang Samaritans felt a bit better.
    There are times that it is impossible to remind you self that it is not really your O/H talking but some dreadful other being.
    How do you keep strong ? If anyone knows let me know!
     
  5. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    It
    Hi Frederic H

    I'm sorry it sounds like you're having a really rotten time. I think you did exactly the right thing contacting the Samaritans and I'm really glad it helped. When it comes down to it I think we are all a lot stronger than we think we are, after all we cope with an awful lot more than most people who don't have dementia in their lives can imagine. I really believe that phoning the Samaritans shows just how strong you actually are, it takes guts to pick up the phone! Hope the rest of today hasn't been too bad and that we are all in for a peaceful week ahead.

    Lavender x
     
  6. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Hi janey106

    Can I say thanks for telling me that you hit a point where self preservation kicks in. Last week I told mum not to speak to me like that, she retaliated by asking who I thought I was taking to, I told her I'm taking to you and mum's jaw hit the floor. I know she's not well, but if I'm not good at letting things wash over me and if I take every bit of abuse all the time I'll be on medication.

    I'm definitely not amazing, getting by is a more apt description, but I'm here and trying, it had to count for something.

    Lavender x
     
  7. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Hi Quilty

    You are certainly right about dementia removing inhibitions and I've come to the conclusion that if you throw sundowning into the mix you haven't got a chance!

    I don't know which is harder a lifetime of dealing with a family member who is nasty and unreasonable, or losing a lovely person when dementia and they become nasty and unreasonable. It should be water off a ducks back to me, don't know why I don't have a much tougher shell.

    Lavender x
     
  8. Hayley88

    Hayley88 Registered User

    Feb 15, 2016
    8
    I'm having exact same with my gran, and I think your right.....they seem to remember more, my gran was screaming in my face so I got up and left and went to my uncles who lives down the road, she rang everyone in the family to see where the young girl who had been staying with her had gone, so when I had calmed down and went back into my grans which was half an hour maybe an hour later my auntie and uncle were with her, as soon as I walked in she wrapped her arms round me and said she was sorry for shouting at me, she normally can't remember very long at all, but she seemed to remember what she done that night, so frustrating cos I sometimes think she does this on purpose.
     
  9. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    I found the same Quilty. I couldn't manage to agree all the time but every time i did it worked
     
  10. Ellaroo

    Ellaroo Registered User

    Nov 16, 2015
    161
    Liverpool
    My mum can be as evil as a troll through demntia. Some of the things she has said to me or lack of cooperation Ill never forget. Its soul destroying and cuts me to the bone.
    i have to say i do seem to have mastered the skill of recovery.
    Its the dementia and mum would be mortified if she knew what she was saying .
    Big hugs and toull be surprised how strong you are xxxxxx
     
  11. Ellaroo

    Ellaroo Registered User

    Nov 16, 2015
    161
    Liverpool
    My mum can be as evil as a troll through demntia. Some of the things she has said to me or lack of cooperation Ill never forget. Its soul destroying and cuts me to the bone.
    i have to say i do seem to have mastered the skill of recovery.
    Its the dementia and mum would be mortified if she knew what she was saying .
    Big hugs and toull be surprised how strong you are xxxxxx
     

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