Bad Week, feeling low .....

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by DaisyG, Aug 5, 2007.

  1. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    We've been having a bad few days/week.

    Husband has had 2 falls, from standing. Nothing broken thank God.
    Lots of internal bruising, and very tender ribs/side (stroke side).

    He keeps telling visitors that he has fallen over 4 times .. (sometines he says 3).
    He's been saying I pushed him over. I was in another room BOTH times.

    Don't know how to cope / what to say when he says things like this.
    Don't want people doubting me. BAD enough having a husband that doubts me ALL day long.
    Don't want to get into an argument by defending myself.

    What to do?

    Money issues also been raised A LOT this week.
    Still believes I've stolen his money, and now sold an imaginary house...

    He's also asked me to leave him. He's done this before and it REALLY hurts me.
    I think it's worse THIS time as I have had a lot of sleepless nights, and lots of nasty comments said to me this week.

    He keeps telling me that I am useless...
    I KNOW I'M NOT, but words DO actually hurt you......

    Any advice?

    Take Care

  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Sorry Daisy, all I can advise is walk away and go into another room. If you let him know you`ll ignore him when he says these hurtful things, he might not like being by himself, and might stop saying them.

    You don`t need to explain yourself or justify yourself to anyone. You know who you are and you have a clear conscience, that`s all that matters.

    I can`t stop the hurt. I know exactly how it feels to be spoken to harshly, or to be accused of something you haven`t done. It`s awful.

    Take care

    Love xx
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Daisy

    I can understand your upset - it is a very difficult time, isn't it?
    I'd be thinking that he probably doesn't remember how it happened, so he thinks someone must have caused him to fall. Unfortunately, you are the only one close enough for him to identify.

    I don't believe he intends to cause you hurt, or to have other people believe you would do such a thing. It is just a sign of his confusion, and there is not a lot you can do about it.
    Sometimes I think they say this when they realise how they are deteriorating, and they want to keep those they love from being hurt in the process. It is a kind of "go away, I don't want you hurt by my problems".

    In these situations when we try to interpret what is going on, we can interpret things as above, in a kind way, or the opposite way... that they mean to hurt us.

    Since we can't do anything about it, I always err on the side of believing they want to save us hurt.

    Whichever way, it hurts.
  4. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    First, make sure that the authorities know that your husband is having falls. Also tell them that he is making (false) accusations that you're pushing him over. It's best to have these things on record. It would be awful if your husband had to go to hospital because of a fall and started telling the ambulance people that you'd pushed him over. You're probably right not to confront, as husband will be convinced in his own mind, and nothing anyone says or does will change his view. Some of it may be denial, or trying to find a "rational" explantion for falls ie "there's nothing wrong with me, I don;t fall over, therefore 'someone' pushed me, and there's only one other person here...."

    The same goes for the money thing (which is very common). I believe the general advice is to simply ignore it, and try to distract onto something else. Though from bitter experience I know that this is sometimes virtually impossible! You will be told "he will forget about it" well I know my dad never does once he's got one of his fixations going.

    As to the rest, I know this may sound cruel, but sometimes when my dad starts moaning and groaning to mum about how ill he is, how awful things are, we will say "well would you rather be in a care home as it sounds as though what we do isn;t good enough". It usually shuts him up pretty quickly. Doesn't that sound awful, but I think you know what I will mean!

    Alternatively, as has been said, you can try just walking out of the room for a while.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Do you know Daisy, my husband has said exactly what Bruce suggested. When he insists he is leaving tomorrow, he often says `Then your life will be easier`.

    It`s irrational, it`s impossible, because we know they couldn`t possibly care for themselves, but in their subconscious, they probably do feel a burden.

    It doesn`t stop it hurting and it doesn`t make it easier but it could be the only way out they see for themselves.
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Daisy, I'm sorry. You see to go from one thing to another, don't you? Has the violence stopped? That would be a blessing, at least.

    I think Nebiroth has a good point about making sure that the falls are documented, and the fact that he blames you, simply to protect yourself.

    I can't give you any advice from personal experience, but Sylvia's suggestion of walking into another room sounds sensible to me.

  7. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Daisy, poor you.

    You can't seem to win at the moment and sound very tired.

    Do you get any respite care at all, it seems that a rest for you is in order.

    Thinking of you.


  8. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Daisy

    I cannot add anything to the sound advice you have already been given.

    Just wanted to send you a hug.


  9. jude1950

    jude1950 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2006
    Hi Daisy,

    It must be the weather!!! I have had exactly the same sort of week. Can't offer much advice but just wanted you to know you are not alone...Quote from my husband this week.." I have not got Alzheimer's but I will pretend I have so they don't take away my pension???" my response " Good that means you won't have to take your tablets" his reply " Silence. " kept him quiet for at least 10 minutes.
    take care.
  10. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    Hello Daisy. Having a bad time. :( I think as Sylvia said, you have a clear conscious, and that's what counts. I have not been sleeping either nothing to do with conscious but just sad that another bad turn is happening. :( It does hurt when they say nasty things, Susan said things yesterday and I said "so you wouldn't want me as your husband then". To which she replied "no way".
    Still the other day she asked me if I would like to be telephone :) . Yes a telephone. It took me few hours to realise that she meant to say would I like to be a gardener. :) So I know her worms :D are getting mixed up. I am sure that your husband does not understand what he is saying, and you have to think back to the good times when he used to say good things.
    When the situation is poor, I walk away. I need to go to the shops, but Susan will not toilet, wash or dress, so I have to walk away for a bit. There is no point in having an argument / discussion with your husband, they cannot reason. I hope that the violence has stopped.
    take care cris
  11. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Daisy, nothing I can add. Wise words have been said.

    Thinking of you, love n'hugs,
  12. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    Thank you ....

    GrannieG - Yes I know the cruel comments DO hurt. You can ‘try’ and block them out …. walk away… make yourself busy in another room … (I clean, anyone need their cupboards tiding out !).
    Husband has said… “You WANT rid of me don’t you. Then you can do what you like” …..

    Bruce - I hadn’t looked at it from your angle, in that ‘maybe’ they are saying these things to ‘save us’ from further hurt. I can only hope.
    Thing is, he can be so nasty/cruel, and is not aware that he is saying ‘bad things’.
    To be asked to leave breaks your heart.
    I just say, for example….. “No sorry, can’t do that. Got a Shopping delivery coming in a day or so, and you won’t be able to put it away…” distract him as best I can….
    Truth is, he cannot even put ONE thing away, OR carry anything.
    Having to do A LOT of walking away.

    Nebiroth - No problem, for 2 years now my husband has been telling SS that I am neglecting and abusing him. (VERY SAD). They have been told EVERYTHING.
    He says that I don’t feed him, give him medication etc etc… Forgets he eats ALL of the time. I’ve told them all … on phone and e-mail etc.. each time I get accused of doing something… NOT TRUE . I bombard the poor secretaries, admin staff with e-mails and letters. I’ve ‘covered every base’, as far as I am concerned.
    Money - Why is there a fixation on money?
    How right you are, about ignoring the accusations. So difficult, yet somehow I get by. JUST. He has not let the money accusation drop, in fact they have grown EVEN bigger. Yes, I ignore, I walk away, but to him I look guilty.

    Skye – Thank you. No, violence still with us. Due to see CPN this week for another increase. Staying safe though, I PROMISE.
    A new-ish thing he’s angry at (anything can make him angry), is that I am touching him when I help him get dressed !! Apparently I need to learn how to get him dressed without touching him AT ALL. Very difficult when a person has had a stroke.

    cris – I walk away, but like you cannot go far. Can’t leave husband on his own, not now. So far he hasn’t been getting his words mixed up, but this week we have had MORE agnosia. Not recognising fruit (banana).. or his wheelchair… or pillow….
    I do my best to NEVER argue.
    Sometimes we have the MOST ridiculous conversations, and before you know it you are trying to explain something without realising it.
    Just happens… then ….. do you STOP the conversation and walk away.. or continue to try and explain… digging a bigger hole for yourself ?

    What a week!!
    Neighbour accusations have increased this week too. He asked me yesterday to go and ask the neighbour to move out !! He just saw him walk by the window.
    The next thing was, the neighbour (we live in a flat), was ‘jumping up and down’ on the floor (our ceiling), to make the light bounce (in another room) !!.

    Thanks for your replies

  13. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    More Upset

    Bad week continues…

    Today my husband has been seeing ‘spurious’ (his words) comments written across the bottom of the TV.

    Before anyone asks, NO subtitles have been, and were on.

    This is NEW to me, and it has really unsettled me.

    I’ve asked him what they say, and he replied…
    “Who the F knows, as soon as I get to read them, they disappear!”

    Has anyone else had this happen to them?

    Take Care

  14. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    I've no experience of this, sorry Daisy. But I'm very interested in the use of the word 'spurious'. It sounds as if he's not only retained the meaning of the word, which is amazing, but also realizes that they may not be there.

    Fascinating. John lost all that sort of awareness at a very early stage.
  15. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    I know Susan's mum used to see things all the time, but i did not have a great deal of time with her under these circumstances. Susan is imaginging things all the time. It is worse in the afternoon / evening, which I can only put down to tiredness. She has not seen words on the screen, though. Though she does not read, or cannot read now. Susan has other people in the house all the time. "Shall i see if they anything to eat" - "they are out in the cold" - "they have no toys" - "shall i see when they are going" - "i'm not undressing with them in the other room" - ---- are just some she comes out with. Susan has started to talk to herself or others. I take no notice unless the question is directed to me. I answer to the best for the circumstance, not neccesarily the truth, I'm sorry to say.
    I think Daisy it is a very common problem.
  16. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England

    I'm facinated too by his 'use' of words.
    Every now and again he'll use a word that he would NEVER have used.

    He says EVERYTHING I say is 'arbitrary' ... another use of a word not usually in his vocabulary.

    I know he has been watching News 24 (BBC), and I'm not sure if he has heard a word on TV, THEN used it.

    I know he translates things he sees on TV into our/his life.



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