1. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Everone says "time" is a great healer. I know mum has only been gone about a month but my sister is suggesting "counselling" for me.
    Should the tears have stopped by now? Should I be getting a job and a new home?
    It was only last week that I took mums clothes into a charity shop. They said "donation" I said yes. Mums three black bags were thrown into a corner with others.

    This started me off again. The tears come when least expected and are wearing me down.
    The other big problem is mums Will. She wanted me to read it some years ago as she was worried about one particular point. I was able to explain and put her mind at ease.
    The will that the Executors (my brothers) have sent me is not the will that I read at that time.
    I trust my brothers and wonder if the "age old" family solicitors have maybe missed the most recent will made.

    I am a very basic easy to please no hassle person but all this is making life !!
    snuffy
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Snuffy , what can I say to help you, except 'time is a great healer'. Dementia aside, I lost my husband of 35 years virtually overnight. I went from being a very pampered wife (I realise that now), to heading the family. My sons, who had lost their best friend, now looked to me for guidance.

    I cannot really remember how we lurched through that time, but pulling together we did. And emerged the better people out the other side. I am sure, had I not had that experience, I would not be able to cope with my dear Lionel today.

    I suppose what I am trying to say is that 'time ..is the healer. As for your feelings about the will, that is an area I cannot comment on. Regarding the tears, for me it is now 11 years Snuffy, and still the tears come unexpectedly, but tears of remembering, the good times and the bad, all lifes experiences. Give yourself time, stop being so hard on yourself, and take 'time' to be you. God bless, Connie
     
  3. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Snuffy
    sorry to hear that you are so down.
    It does take time so don't rush into anything.
    Sit back and remember the good times and in time it will all come right.
    Thinking of you and wishing you well
    Norman
     
  4. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Snuffy, know what you mean, I took my Mum's clothes into our local Help The Aged and Oxfam. A couple of weeks later, in Oxfam, I was looking along the rails and I thought, gosh thats just like Mum's, I looked, it was, they hadn't taken the labels out before offering them for resale, something I could not bring myself to do before I had taken them in, it was so,... well you know. I broke down and Andy steered me out the shop. It's so hard, I feel so much for you, sending you a big hug.
    What you say about the will, there should surely be more than one copy, my Mum had a copy herself and the original was filed with her solicitor. Also, what was the date of the will you saw? If your brothers are the executors and it is all written up correctly, if the will read now is the last will, that is the legal one. I assume this was made whilst your Mum was of sound mind and before a POA was registered? Does it make a lot of difference to you Snuffy, can you speak to your brothers about it? Do wish I could be of more help, but not any good at all this legal stuff except what I have asked. Thinking of you, love She. XX
     
  5. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Snuffy,

    A month is such a very short time in which to come to terms with losing your mother. On top of this, the practical things such as sorting through clothing and personal items which need to be done, can also seem like an impossible task.

    I've just had to place my parents in a NH and have been packing up our house. As I have completed each room it has felt like I am systematically erasing and destroying their lives and memories. There were certain items that I couldn't bear to deal with, such as a special chair or the bed linen and I had to ask friends to remove them for me.

    Every day I make a small list of things that I felt that I can achieve and I have been living by Norman's 'day to day' rule which has really helped.

    Don't beat yourself up Snuffy. Take each day as it comes and do a little bit. You need to care for yourself at this point and the future will sort itself out in due course. Give yourself time to heal.

    Jude xxx
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Everyone is correct in saying that time is a healer. However, in these times we expect everything to happen quickly, and the loss of a parent or partner is far more structural than we ever realise at first.

    Remember Queen Victoria, who wore her black dresses for the rest of her life, and by all accounts never got over the loss of Albert?

    I think your mind and your body need quite a long time to come to terms with the loss of your Mum. All in all it may take years, or it may never happen totally. What you may find is that one day you wake up and find the pain is just a little less. You can't make the adjustment yourself - your body will do that, in its own time.

    I have no use for counselling myself, but some people find it helpful.

    Regarding disposal of things and effects... well, that is so difficult. I have been sorting out a load of Jan's things this weekend, things I have kept purely because they were hers. Originally when she moved to her care home I could imagine she might walk back in one day and pick up where she left off.

    Now it is four years on, and I still had her bags filled with tissues, placemats, sundry birthday cards, her last packet of cigarettes, etc She would wander the house carrying one of the bags. Finally I have disposed of them; I managed to get over the feeling that, as she is still alive, that they are hers and I don't have the right. But she won't ever return, she would no longer recognise them. I need to relate to the Jan who now lives away from me, not the memory I have.

    Doesn't make it any less upsetting though.

    Strangely, most of her clothes I could take to the charity shop with no problem. I knew she could no longer wear them or get into them even. I did keep her best coat and a few small items, couldn't remove her stuff entirely. It is the bags, hats, jewelry that are difficult. Nina thought I was crazy when I photographed Jan's beautiful shoes [she had fantastic feet and was so elegant] before taking them to the charity shop. But her shoes were part of the essence of her.

    Regarding your Mum's Will - perhaps she never passed it to her solicitor, perhaps it was just a draft, and never signed?

    Hang on in there Snuffy!
     
  7. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    939
    Dear Snuffy

    I waited 4 weeks before I cleared out mum's things. I lugged the bags outside as instructed by the charity collection people, and it was like putting my own mother outside the door to be collected. They vanished within a few minutes of me putting them there and going out the back to hang out the washing. It was like losing her all over again, and I felt more grief that day than on the day she died.

    The tears will always come, something will always remind us. I face my wedding day in 7 weeks time and I have no idea how I am going to get through it without wee mummy beside me, I know she'll be there in spirit and that's all well and good, but I feel robbed, as all my siblings had her there for their weddings and children's births. I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself. At least I have dad to walk up the aisle with. It's awful, but everyone's kind of dreading my wedding day including myself, again I feel robbed of happiness but that's dementia world for you, you never really exit it once you go inside.

    I'm sure you do trust your brothers but why not just check with the solicitor just in case an oversight has occured, it would put your mind at rest.

    There's no time limit on grieving, I fell to my knees last night and sobbed for no apparant reason, other than it was 13 weeks exactly yesterday since mum died. I was just about to get into bed and didn't think I was really thinking about anything much. Scared the wits out of myself! It sneaks up on you this grief thing and bites you on the bum when you least expect it.

    Everything you are experiencing is normal for you Snuffy, take each day as it comes, it's all any of us can do.

    Thinking of you and wishing you strength and eventual happiness.
     
  8. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Snuffy and Magic, grief is one of the hardest things to cope with I have found. Communal hug called for, everybody hug - NOW! Love She. XX
     
  9. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    939
    Thanks She, I needed that! x
     
  10. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    I realise that we are all going through sadness, bereavment,loss. With my postings I think I have been a tad selfish thinking that I was the only one suffering.
    Thankyou to all from very tired
    Snuffy
     
  11. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dearest Snuffy,

    You are very lucky that I don't know where you live, otherwise I'd be round to give you a good shake up! You are a carer and carers are NEVER selfish.

    I'm sure that I'm not alone in saying that I really wish that you would post a whole lot more than you do, but I know that you find it very hard to do this. Just go at your own pace and let us help you through.

    Don't ever think that you are taking up too much time on TP. Brucie has just told me that I've hit over the 2000 post mark today..... Ho hum.

    Jude xxx
     
  12. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Snuffy, your not selfish, just feeling sad like we all would having just lost a dear one. Caring takes so much out of you, it's natural that when it comes to an end, we grieve the loss of the person cared for, but we also feel very lost within ourselves as there is this big void where caring for them used to be. It will take time and there will be good days and bad days. Times when we cope well and times when we end up snivelling in a heap, (I know because that's what I do) it's all part of grieving. But Snuffy, by talking it through on here with us who can understand, we do move on and we don't forget, we just learn to live with the loss as time goes by. Lotsaluv, She. XX
     
  13. Geraldine

    Geraldine Registered User

    Oct 17, 2003
    143
    Nottingham
    Dear Snuffy

    it is so very hard sorting out a lived one's things. A lot of Mum's clothes I left at the home as they had many people even those with families coming in with nothing! Some of the clothes I kept and still wear.I was fortunate in that I sort of had 18 months to go through stuff while mum was in the home so when she died it was not so big a task. I bought a wonderful jewellry box to keep her things in and had her rings sized so that I could wear them especially one which was last present to her from Dad. I have also spent a long time choosing momentoes for friends and family who have been a help to us which was very comforting. It took us a long time to use Mum's room in the house we now have it as my rapidly growing son's 'office' come private space and hopefully her 'spirit' is in there keeping him in some sort of order!

    I too keep crying, am crying now. But am sure that soon the happy memories will outshine all the others.

    best wishes

    geraldine
     
  14. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    939
    #14 Mjaqmac, Jun 28, 2005
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2005
    Dear snuffy, post away, that's what this site is for, we need to help and support each other, even those of us whom are no longer in the front line of caring. I for one care about how you are coping and so do lots of others on the site, you know the ones (the usual gang of angels whose hearts are big enough to rally round every heartbroken soul on this site!). I didn't like to post either since wee mummy died, but the TP angels reassure me there is a place for all carers and sharers of every level of this stinking disease.

    Keep ploughing through each day as it comes, some are not as bad as others, some are big hairy scary days, but like everything in life, they pass.

    Thinking of you.
     
  15. Shakey1961a

    Shakey1961a Registered User

    Nov 7, 2004
    111
    Southport
    #15 Shakey1961a, Jun 28, 2005
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2005
    Dear all here.

    Aren't we all going through it. I think we're all aware of my legal problems and I can't see mum except for once a week for 30 mins for something I've not done. Actually feeling like the whole world is against me today, but that's tiredness creeping in.

    I lost my dad 2 years ago next week (7th July) and he was the carer for mum. He didn't have Alzheimer's though he'd had a few strokes. I found him passed away on top of his bed one morning - such a shock, but I believe he died from a broken heart. After mum had to go into a nursing home he used to sleep with one of mum's jumpers on top of him. He used to get very annoyed when I suggested he try to do without it. They hadn't been apart for 46 years except when mum was having me or dad wasn't well in his later years.

    The morning of Dad's funeral I had to go and see my GP. I was about to end it all. I just knew I wouldn't be able to cope. She called the crisis mental health team in for me as she saw I was pretty bad. They said it was going to be one of the worst days of my life, but that was to be expected. I took a valium and that got me through the day. Mum was sat next to me when dad's coffin came in and she said "Who is it?" Bless her. It's even making me shed a tear typing it.

    I still haven't got rid of Dad's clothes and that's 2 years later. I have come to terms with him gone and don't get upset much at all now. People told me time was a healer and I didn't believe them. I was also told by a psychiatrist that I may see Dad, I don't know whether he meant my mind would be playing tricks on me, but he said it was quite normal. Even today if I'm out and I see an older man my dad's build or dressed similar my mind will, just for a second, think "Dad" and then you realise.

    Though I did have a scare with mum about 4 weeks ago now I know that when the time comes for her - god it's making me get upset again - this one is going to be the hardest. I am an only child which is going to make it worse and I'm single.

    Just take it at your own pace snuffy. No-one is telling you you should be over it by 1st September.

    As a former vicar of a church I used to go to said "If we didn't love a person we wouldn't grieve for them" Just show's how much you loved your mum that you grieve so much for her.

    Where's me hanky......
     
  16. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    A very brief summary of the **** on going!

    My youngest son is now 15. when he was 4mths old husband walked out on me for someone else.
    We were divorced but after about 2 years I thought it would be best for 2 sons to have "daddy" around. He returned as a platonic partner and has been very good to the boys and also very caring towards my dear mum.
    The atmosphere between has become pretty horrendous.
    So now mum has died and I am losing my house and he is off to pastures new.

    I am trying to claim income support and some sort of council housing. Once my monies come through re the sale of my home/mothers house I will nor be elligable for council housing. I will not have enough to buy anything. (catch 22!)
    My 2 brothers and a sister will have their money as an extra as they all have their houses. My money will be wittled away with eventualy having to rent somewhere.

    I am convinced that there is another Will but family solicitors have presented all they have.

    I am so very tired with trying to cope with everything happening now. It is all such a mess just like my life.

    snuffy
     
  17. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    No replies!
     
  18. angela.robinson

    angela.robinson Registered User

    Dec 27, 2004
    520
    HI SNUFFY so sorry you are feeling so down ,and not without good cause,i keep looking at your post ,and wishing there was something i could say to make you feel better but there is nothing,Life has dealt you some unfair blows as it has ,most people ,i think maybe you could do with some counceling ,not everyone can get througha loss of a loved one without help i hope this does not sound patronising ,it is meant sincerly ,thinking of you ,BE STRONG ,LOVE ANGELA.
     
  19. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Snuffy,

    I know that it feels almost impossible to start thinking about the future when you are dealing with enormous grief and in such difficult circumstances as now.

    Perhaps a phone call to the Cits Advice would yield some good advice and provide some solutions for a clearer way forward. Also, a chat on the AS Helpline.

    Thinking of you.

    Jude xx
     
  20. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Hi Snuffy,

    Just like Connie I wish I could find something to say to help. I tried replying several times yesterday but anything I started to type seemed inadequate (as does this posting).

    How are your children coping with all this? I also have a 15-year-old son, he can be a monster sometimes, just like any teenager, seemingly uncaring etc. and then at other times he fills me with pride and pulls me back, if you know what I mean.

    I do hope you can find some assistance through the muddle you are facing. Although your life seems a mess at the moment, hopefully things will improve for you.

    Take care,
     

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