I had a bad dream last night. In it Dad was a big beautiful white horse...??!! I think the whole point of him being a big animal was because he was too big for me to have any control of. He was beautiful and white, I think to symbolise that he was untouchable, innocent in many ways, something I greatly admire, something that my heart hurts to just look at, so loved but so out of reach. In my dream the horse (Dad) was injured and it kept, in order to escape its pain, fighting and struggling and as a result kept injuring itself more and more. I remember at one stage that although it was a horse, it fell so terribly and I was so terrified that it would not only hurt itself badly but cause its own death that I screamed out 'Daddy, no!'...I haven't called Dad, Daddy, since I was a child. Just remembering all this has brought the emotion of the dream back to me, and I've gotten all teary. The dream stuck with me all day, and as I've mulled over it, I have realised that it really did capture for me, why this is all hurting so much. Watching this disease destroy my wonderful father is like watching a large or injured animal injuring itself further in its panic to escape the pain. Not that dad is injuring himself or causing his own injuries (except when he is falling over) nor is he panicked. I identify with the dream instead, because what I do feel is powerless to help something that I think is wonderful although he desperately needs help. I have no control over what is happening, not able to stop it, only being able to stand by and watch, as what was once a thing of great 'beauty' (or intelligence etc), something that I love deeply and is now somewhat an innocent, be torn apart.