1. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    I had a bad dream last night.

    In it Dad was a big beautiful white horse...??!!

    I think the whole point of him being a big animal was because he was too big for me to have any control of.

    He was beautiful and white, I think to symbolise that he was untouchable, innocent in many ways, something I greatly admire, something that my heart hurts to just look at, so loved but so out of reach.

    In my dream the horse (Dad) was injured and it kept, in order to escape its pain, fighting and struggling and as a result kept injuring itself more and more. I remember at one stage that although it was a horse, it fell so terribly and I was so terrified that it would not only hurt itself badly but cause its own death that I screamed out 'Daddy, no!'...I haven't called Dad, Daddy, since I was a child.

    Just remembering all this has brought the emotion of the dream back to me, and I've gotten all teary.

    The dream stuck with me all day, and as I've mulled over it, I have realised that it really did capture for me, why this is all hurting so much. Watching this disease destroy my wonderful father is like watching a large or injured animal injuring itself further in its panic to escape the pain. Not that dad is injuring himself or causing his own injuries (except when he is falling over) nor is he panicked.

    I identify with the dream instead, because what I do feel is powerless to help something that I think is wonderful although he desperately needs help. I have no control over what is happening, not able to stop it, only being able to stand by and watch, as what was once a thing of great 'beauty' (or intelligence etc), something that I love deeply and is now somewhat an innocent, be torn apart.
     
  2. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Hi Nat,
    I'm so sorry your having such dreams. I've found that things usually tell what we're feeling on the inside even if we're not showing it on the outside.
    I'm just so sorry that we're all having to go through this.
    God bless,
    Debbie
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hi Nat,
    You have no control over it, you cannot stop it, but you are not powerless. You are not simply standing by and watching your father, you are there alongside him, suffering his pain with him; he is still a
    , and by staying alongside him you are ensuring that other people continue to recognise that.
    We are not our brother's, father's mother's keeper. Our loved ones are facing their own battles, theirs is suffering from this illness, ours is dealing with our grief as we watch them and stand with them. They cannot take away our pain, we cannot take away theirs, but maybe we can comfort them and they us - my mum still gives me comfort and strength simply because she is my mum.
    Love from,
    Amy
     
  4. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hi Nat

    What a powerful description of your dream, poor you. Why is it that bad dreams stay with us all the next day?

    All I can do is wish you sweet dreams tonight.

    Kathleen
     
  5. trendy

    trendy Registered User

    Oct 19, 2005
    7
    tyne and wear
    HI IAM IN THE SAME BOATAS U BAD DREAMS ALL THE TIME MY MAM HAS AD AND IS GETTIN WORSE ALL THE TIME IT HURTS SO MUCH TO C THIS HAPPEN I CANT SLEEP THINK IN OV HERE AS SHE LIVES ALONE BUT WONT MOVE IN WITH FAMILY AS SHE KEEPS SAYIN THIS IS DAD HOUSE BUT I WISH YOU LUCK ON HERE AS ITS HELPED ME A LOT SOMEONE TO TALK TO WHO NOS X
     
  6. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    If only we could all have a miracle

    Thanks everyone for your replies.

    Amy, I know you were trying to make me feel better but I am 'powerless' to stop this disease and despite being well aware of all the things I am not 'powerless' to do, like be there for Dad, it is this one thing that I am 'powerless' to do that tears my heart out.

    Also you are right about Dad still being all those wonderful things, and I think I am aware of that also...thats why he remained a beautiful white horse in my dream despite his actions, he didn't turn into anything bad, just a beautiful white horse injuring itself.

    On the up side I just got back from a visit with Dad tonight and bloody hell he's still there!:rolleyes: He gave me a couple of looks that weren't at all vague, as 'with it' as the kind of look you and I can give someone, when we are trying to convey meaning without words. I asked him a question and he turned to me and looked straight at me 'with that kind of look' and said 'No' (doesn't usually say any words, just mumbles). Then I helped him sit down and when we did so his fingers almost scratched a hole in my side and so to make light of my pain I laughed and said 'Oooh your fingers, I gotta watch out for you, don't I??!!' and he looked at me and laughed right back. I think its the first time in over 2 years that I've seen him 'laugh back' not necessarily understanding what we were laughing at, but doing the normal human response of laughing when someone else laughs. Lastly because I was excited about his 'with it' ness I told him if he wanted to practice doing things I'd help him if that was what he wanted, I told him to yell at me if he didn't want to practice and I would try to understand that that meant he didn't want to do it. His response to this was to blow air at me, something he used to do a lot but very rarely now, instead of kissing, when he 'forgot' how to kiss. On this apparent note of approval, I gave him a biscuit to hold in his hand and said he might want to have a go at putting it in his mouth himself (instead of me feeding him). I told him if he didn't want to do it, he could drop or throw it, and I would give it to him instead. Anyway it took about two minutes and I saw him move different body parts (from the corner of my eye, because I didn't want to make him feel pressured by watching) and then he raised the hand the biscuit was in and he got it to his nose. In the end he did this twice before he threw the biscuit away, but despite failing the task I told him how great he was for getting so close and he seemed happy, he seemed fully aware of what we were trying to do together.

    ....<sigh> I know I am getting my hopes up, only to have them dashed again in the future, but I can't take his hope away by being negative and it feels better when you pretend you can beat this disease, so I think I might carry on with this fantasy for a while...I don't really have an option, to visit him every other day, while he's still trying hard to do things...I don't know what else to do. Is it the wrong approach to take?? I don't know...I don't think I am in denial??:confused:

    I am prepared, I do know that reality says that he will continue to worsen and dwindle away until he dies....

    But for now, I will believe in miracles, and well my Dad can do anything, so you never know!?
     
  7. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Nat,
    I'm not into saying things to simply make people feel better. In your original posting you said that you were "powerless to help", not powerless to stop the disease.
    Love Amy
     
  8. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    Well I meant powerless to help...him not die from this disease...i'm not the type to feel powerless unless there truly is nothing i can do. When faced with a problem I try from every angle to have power...this disease has got me beat. I don't handle that well.
     
  9. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    It's got us all beat Nat in that we cannot stop it, but I like to think we beat it by continuing to love, continuing the relationship. The day I feel dementia beats me, is the day I say I can't do this anymore and choose not to be there for my mum.
    Love
    Amy
     
  10. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    So we're back to pretending again aren't we...just a difference of perception I suspect. I feel that for me, the disease has beaten me, but I will carry on nonetheless...a bit like a soldier going to war, although outnumbered and with inferior weapons...pride and love won't let me quit. The only way I can keep the fight up however is to 'pretend' to myself that there is a chance I could win...good guys always win, miracles do happen, nothing can beat my Dad, there's supposed to be a happy ending.

    At the same time, I also know I have to steel myself for what is the far more likely reality, that there will be a time that I have to admit, it beat me (and Dad) and at that stage I hope that what will carry me through such a time is the knowledge, that it never won easily and I behaved like a woman with honour (so far the whole way through) and my Dad was a hero.

    I think we're both saying the same thing Amy, just with different words.
     
  11. soozieann

    soozieann Registered User

    Dec 7, 2005
    20
    Wallington
    How are things Nat?

    Hello Nat,

    How are things with you and your Dad?

    I know your postings were from September, but I've just been reading them. I am sitting here with tears for you as I remember so well, how much joy there was when my Mum made that eye contact and spoke to me with understanding- it was like the sun came out.

    Yes, things don't always stay that way, but you are not in denial. We need those beautiful sunny moments to give us strength to carry on through the dark times. Enjoy the moments Nat.

    Mum's suffering is over now, she passed away nearly a month ago. It was very peaceful and a great privilege for me to be there as she left this life.

    A friend once told me that dementia was like losing someone bit by bit- she was so right. On the days when Mum was in a good state and communicating pretty well she was the woman I had known, but the bad days I felt the woman I had known all my life wasn't there anymore. It's bloody awful isn't it? Just know Nat, that you are not alone, and there is this fantastic site to help us all.


    Take good care of yourself,

    Love Soozieann
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    My mum has a dream book & in it it says that

    To dream you see white horse signifies joy
     
  13. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    Margarita,

    In this case I think, the dream book is true, even now a week later, just thinking about seeing that white horse makes me feel happy. Dad IS my joy....and thats what was upsetting about the dream, the destruction of that joy.

    Even now, Dad is my joy...i dread going to visit him, but as soon as I see him, I feel joy...then the sadness comes, though not all the time. As my stepdaughter advised me the other day (12yrs old!) "What makes you sad about visiting your Dad Nat?' , I said "Thinking about who he was in the past, that that man is getting harder and harder to remember, that I am losing him." and she replied "Well just don't think about that!":p

    So I will try, not to think about that.:eek:

    Thanks for the dream book definition of the white horse.
     
  14. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I say thank god for dreams its all lock in our subconscious mind that come out in our dreams, your step daughter said the right thing ,but

    Its hard living in the Now, great book I read was the power of the now by Eckhart Tolle after dad died and then mum got AD

    When my father died someone said you never get over it, you just learn to live with it , its 4 years on now I understand what they mean.

    I wonder with our love ones with AD could we learn to live with it?






    Hope one day in your dreams you can spread your wings and fly with the white horse (your dad)
     
  15. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    What a beautiful thought!

    Just posting here again to say thank you also to soozieann for the empathy and understanding and I am sorry about your Mum. Didn't mean to not say thanks yesterday but was being a bad girl and peeking at TP whilst at work...and had to rush and finish my previous post before someone caught me :eek:

    Thus I didn't get a chance to acknowledge your post soozie...didn't want to rush my reply to you, although I am now anyway...hopefully I get a chance another day soon to really write you a decent message. Otherwise feel free to PM me if there is anything you want to talk about.

    Hugs
     

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