bad few days

[fluffyduck]

mum has A/D and V/D she was in hospital for 3 months but went home with live in carers. it worked well but some of the carers where appalling. mum improved greatly in her home that she has lived in for 60 years. when she was in hospital i thought i would never see her smile again let alone laugh but she has laughed since she has been home. my sisters and brothers decided that the live in care was not working so mum had to move into a care home on wednesday i felt that she should have stayed at home with another agency. I went to see her yesterday in the care home, she is agitated keeps asking when she is going home, the room she is in is small. she sits in the room on her own all day, she is refusing to eat and today she has refused to have a bath. she doesn't want to be there she has dementia she is not stupid she knows that my sister who is telling her that it is temporary is lying.
i feel really angry, hurt,guilty,upset i feel as if i have let her down. i wish i had fought harder for her but i was worried that i would lose my sisters and brothers instead i am losing my mum.I am crying alot wanting to scream at everyone, but most of all i want to grab my mum and bring her home, which i cant do as i do not have the room in my house and i work full time and she wants to be in her home where all her memories are. i am going to see her tomorrow and i know that she will ask me to take her home. what do i say to her? my husband and children have been wonderfull really helping me but i am getting really snappy at them, they are not the ones i am angry with. i am angry with my siblings, myself even my mum for having this illness but most of all with dementia.
sorry for the rant but i dont want to say all this to my lovely family and i needed to say it or i feel i might explode.
I just hope that when i go and see my wonderfull mum tomorrow that she has forgotten all about her home and that she is back to her happy self.
thank you for letting me rant

 

[canary]

Hi fluffyduck and let me start with a (((hug)))
It was upsetting when my mum went into a care home, and like you I wasnt able to look after her either. She could not stay at home as she wasnt looking after herself and started wandering the streets at night so she wasnt safe.
Your mums reaction to first going into a care home is par for the course, I would say. It took my mum a few weeks to settle, but she is now content there.
It sounds awful, but actually it would probably be best not to visit for a few days to let her settle a bit. Seeing you will probably remind her of her home - she is unlikely to forget quite that fast!
Once she has settled then you can go back to being a daughter again. I visit my mum as I would do if she were still at her old home and I can take her out for lunch and on trips to garden centers etc. Yesterday I pushed her along the sea front in her wheelchair and we had an ice-cream followed by fish and chips in a cafe. We both enjoyed it.

 

[Gigglemore]

So sorry about the situation Fluffyduck. If you have quite a large family perhaps you could get your husband to check that some of your siblings are visiting tomorrow and just give it a miss. You are so upset that it will be hard to hide it from your mum - by next weekend I know nothing will have magically changed but you might be better able to deal with your very raw emotions - at least for the duration of your visit, even if you are in floods of tears by the time you get home. I'm sure the members of the family who pushed for the care home thought it was for the best and will be as upset as you are if your mum continues to be unhappy. Fingers crossed that she will be persuaded to join in a bit more next week and perhaps even make a friend or two - that would make so much difference.

Is she in the home on a trial basis? If you are really unhappy with the room, I wonder if this is just the only room that is available right now and that she will be moved into a nicer one once available?

Come back and rant as much as you need to.

 

[fluffyduck]

So sorry about the situation Fluffyduck. If you have quite a large family perhaps you could get your husband to check that some of your siblings are visiting tomorrow and just give it a miss. You are so upset that it will be hard to hide it from your mum - by next weekend I know nothing will have magically changed but you might be better able to deal with your very raw emotions - at least for the duration of your visit, even if you are in floods of tears by the time you get home. I'm sure the members of the family who pushed for the care home thought it was for the best and will be as upset as you are if your mum continues to be unhappy. Fingers crossed that she will be persuaded to join in a bit more next week and perhaps even make a friend or two - that would make so much difference.

Is she in the home on a trial basis? If you are really unhappy with the room, I wonder if this is just the only room that is available right now and that she will be moved into a nicer one once available?

Come back and rant as much as you need to.

Thank you canary and gigglemore for your lovely replies.
I went to see mum this morning with my husband as the rest of the family can not go to see her. when we got there she was very angry and straight away said that they should have been honest with her. it seems one of the carers at the home had told her that she wasn't going home. so I told the truth and tried to explain why they had made the decision to put her in a home, i have always tried to be honest with mum. it took all my strength not to cry. she said that she wasn't any trouble at home she just needed her music and didn't need to go out any where and that she wouldn't be any trouble. I spoke to the carer at the home and she said that she will try and get mum out of her room and mix with the other residents. my husband and I managed to distract her away from the subject and when we left she seemed ok one of her grandson,s and great grand daughter was arriving as we left so that would have cheered her up. As soon as I got out the front door I was in floods of tears and getting strange looks from people walking along the road. I know she will settle in in time but it is so very hard seeing my lovely mum hurting. One consolation when she was angry my mum was back to how she used to be before this dreadful illness took hold. mum didn't get angry often and if she did it was for a good reason normally to protect us kids or herself and dad. sorry to go on but it does really help.

 

[chrisdee]

Hi fluffyduck, so sorry that you are having a bad time of things at the moment.
Its always difficult choosing the right moment to put our loved ones into care,are they too aware? too confused etc. Alzheimers, as you are finding is a nasty disease and its often impossible to find the right solution. Everyone who walks this path feels gulity and bad about it. Mum will settle eventually, none of us like new routines do we?
Sadly, the disease is progressive and as others have said, this is the only way to keep them safe and cared for. I was desparate this time last year to get my Mum into a home and she went in 'by force' really as unsafe at home. Keep visits very short and try every distraction you can muster. You have done the right thing, chin up!

 

[canary]

Im sorry your mum was so angry. Unfortunately, telling the truth very seldom works as logic and empathy are the first things to go with dementia and it sounds like your mum, like mine, has forgotten (and therefore doesnt believe) that there is anything wrong with her
When mum was first in her care home and she wanted to know when she was going home, I told her she was convalescing and she would go home when the doctor said she was well enough - mind you I didnt have a fool of a carer telling her that she wouldnt be going home at all
I know we would all like to tell them the whole truth all the time, but if it only makes her more angry and upset then its better to be "economical with the truth" (aka - love lies). It didnt come easy to me, but she has been much better since I started doing it.

 

[canary]

BTW - a useful phrase I have learned is "I thought ......... "

The carer says Im never going home - Oh, I thought you were convalescing

You never come to visit me - sorry, I thought I came yesterday

People are stealing all my things - I think they will turn up again