1. roann

    roann Registered User

    Jan 19, 2006
    17
    notts
    The sun came out and I went out into the garden, I looked at the bulbs that I planted when we moved in sept 1st 2006 and now that flowers are out ,I had planted them so my husband would enjoy watching them grow.but he died on 1st Dec . we were looking forward to the garden as it was the first we have had in 10 years. Today I just felt lost ,and was mad at the sun for shining(SORRY SUN)not sure how I feel about doing the gar.den any more.Then I got a letter from the council addressed to my husband even though they wrote about breavment matters. like I said its been a bad day, I hope tomorrow is better.Sorry for mouning its been 13 weeks and it seems like yesterday but it also seems forever since I'v seen him. I miss my soul mate.
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hello roann

    You tell your story so eloquently, and it is very poignant.

    I think it is a little similar when a spouse has moved permanently to a care home and is in an advanced stage of dementia. I will find out in time, unfortunately.

    Whether it is a garden and its flowers, a favourite picture on the wall or piece of furniture, a photograph, a treasured walk, an item of clothing or jewelry, a song, a type of food, a TV programme, the car you bought together but will need to be replaced - any or all these things spin us into sad moments of what were, and can no longer be - and can never be again.

    I have learned to bend things to make them more bearable.

    When I moved home last year, I brought some plants that Jan and I had put in during the 90s. When I see them in the garden, they don't bring me down any more - they are part of Jan. So if I talk to them occasionally, it is just to say "what a lovely day, Jan"

    When I pass things in the house with similar memories, I treat them the same way. Jan is all around me, and not only when i go and visit her.

    It will be different of course when she passes on, and I'll cross that one when I come to it. I'll try and find a way to come to terms, because I know there is a huge difference between someone being so badly damaged by dementia but still being there in body, and their not being there.

    13 weeks is nothing is it? Jan and I were married for 33 years before she moved to the home in 2001, and it all seemed the blink of an eye. Still does really.

    Take care and do come here to TP as often as you want and need.
     
  3. roann

    roann Registered User

    Jan 19, 2006
    17
    notts
    Thanks for sharing . I was lucky that I managed to keep him at home with the help of hoists , wheelchairs and carers from the dementia team. I thank God for that. I cannot know what it feels like for you having Jan in a home. My heart goes out to you and to all those who have loved ones in homes. It would have been our 35th wedding Anniversary on 21st Feb 2007 that was a day which we always went out for a meal right up to last year it was always special to us both. Today I will go into the garden and start talking to the plants, Thanks for that I will try it. I do talk to Ron all the time in the house and I do feel him around me. He loved the boungalow even if it was for just a short time ,I am glad we moved and will I hope in time make new friends as we moved from one side of the county to the other and everthing is still a little strange. Thanks again for being there.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,558
    Kent
    Dear roann, 13 weeks is nothing when you have been together 35 years. I know we are expected to move on after bereavement, but those who advise it, have probably never lost anyone so close.

    I`m not sure how the gaping hole can be filled, if it ever can, but I would hope I would be able to try to find some way to cling to good memories, like Bruce`s plants in the garden, or something special to you both. It won`t be enough, but I suppose it`s better than nothing.

    Take care, with love
     

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