Bad day today and I'm doubting myself!

[VonVee]

It's been a bad evening because I went down stairs to give mum her drugs and sort her out for bed, and as I was undressing her I noticed that she still had her pad on from last night, I put a clean one out for her to use this morning, and it had disappeared so I just presumed she'd used it, although I couldn't find the dirty one, but presumed she stashed it away somewhere, anyway, she had two pair of knickers on and they were both wet because the pad was so big and swollen with urine, that is was dripping on the floor, anyway when I tried to take it off her, boy did she go for me, she hit my hand, and told me that if I touched her again she'll kill me (like as if) and that no one could touch her as she wants to be left alone, then my husband turned up because he heard the ruckus, and she had a go at him and said if he comes near me I'm going to kill him, she was like a wild animal but when I looked into her eyes they were all glazed over, so god knows who she thought we were, but we didn't deserve that reaction, although I'm not surprised because she was always this way even before the dementia, growing up was a nightmare because she was a very difficult woman to get along with, and she still is, it's the main reason why we've never got along not really, even tho she's my mum, she's never been the loving type, people said I was mad after my father died, and that I was taking too much on, and why should look after her and care for her, because I owe her nothing, I don't know, I feel like if I do this then my conscience is clear when she eventually dies, I don't like being a carer, I don't find it rewarding when I'm constantly being told I'm stealing her money or I'm keeping her prisoner, I literally do everything for that women, because she can't do it herself, and I feel like because I'm the only child that I have to do his really, as there's no one else, so it's down to me.

It's a big burden on my family, I hardly get to see them much and we all live up stairs, but I persevere as not every day is like tonight's, but it's nights like tonight that I seriously doubt myself whether I am strong enough to do this you know, because caring for my mum really is mental torture in itself, but then I'd rather do it myself at the moment than stick her into a care home that she doesn't want to go into.

I just have to keep reminding myself, she's old and has dementia! And hopefully I can get through this, as hard as it is.

 

[nellbelles]

Oh it so hard sometimes, my husband once picked up a knife to his favourite granddaughter we were all so shocked.

It must be so scary when you have no recognition of the people coming to do personal care, and no recollection of why they should want to do so.

Hope things settle soon.

 

[Kevinl]

When the time comes to call the cavalry then do it, you've done as much as you can.
I had it relatively easy with my mum, she was very docile and calm and stayed with me until she died. My wife on the other hand wasn't and it ended up with her being in a secure unit since the new year.
I admire your loyalty to your mum but you have to be loyal to your family too and not least yourself.
Personally I'd start looking for the next best move, Plan B or whatever, sounds like the time is fast approaching...
I like the bit "told me that if I touched her again she'll kill me (like as if)" you sound well 'ard
K

 

[Pinkys]

if I do this then my conscience is clear when she eventually dies,

if you eventually come to think that she would be better cared for in a CH, your conscience should still be clear. It is just not true to say that people are always better off 'at home'. some are, some aren't. I have a friend who cared for her mum for two years..then came to see that the cost to her and her family was not made up for by her mum being happy, or safe.... Now her mum is in a CH, and is both happier and safer. Difficult relationships with parents do not get better, once dementia strikes. often, quite the reverse in my experience. sad but true.

 

[Quilty]

Care homes can give someone with dementia a new lease of life. My mum was like yours - difficult, not loving and very hsrd to please. I told myself i would keep her jome until she no longer knew she was home. Once moved she was a totally different woman - happy, relaxed and sociable. I wish i had done it 6 months earlier. She had 9 happy months and i stopped hating her for the way she treated me. This mattered so much to me when she died. If she had been at home i would have had so much anger inside.
What is really best for your mum? Try respite and you might be surprised.

 

[jorgieporgie]

Hi vonvee, I am the same an only child and everything left to me. I have always been close to Mum but since dementia it as changed our relationship. I am the one she takes everything out of. Life revolves around her now and I am starting to feel resentful as no matter what I do I can not make her happy. I am going to try respite for a week soon I think just to re-charge my batteries. I feel guilty and anxious about it as Mum as always been a homebird and always been around me. Sorry I am ranting as I have been awake all night well until 4.30 this morning with her. We can only do our best and we are only human and need help sometimes.

 

[nae sporran]

Hi vonvee, I am the same an only child and everything left to me. I have always been close to Mum but since dementia it as changed our relationship. I am the one she takes everything out of. Life revolves around her now and I am starting to feel resentful as no matter what I do I can not make her happy. I am going to try respite for a week soon I think just to re-charge my batteries. I feel guilty and anxious about it as Mum as always been a homebird and always been around me. Sorry I am ranting as I have been awake all night well until 4.30 this morning with her. We can only do our best and we are only human and need help sometimes.

I thought I had a bad day yesterday.

Sending as much support as I can to you Vonvee and jorgieporgie. Care Homes and respite are not your first choice, but when your mum is at the stage she is at Vonvee it is probably the only option left. Good luck with the week's respite Jorgieporgie.

 

[Tragicuglyducky]

Hi VonVee,
In the last year I have found myself joining the ranks of people with a relative who is suffering this disease (not yet diagnosed, it has taken me months to just get a memory assessment). I have also recently turned to psychological help and I can't even begin to tell you how eye-opening it has been.

I have had a cold relationship with my dad, the only emotion he seemed to have for me was disappointment. I'm not saying he doesn't love me in his own way but for as long as I can remember I was rarely praised (even then it was with sarcasm) and always criticised.

I would recommend 2 things:

1. Consider putting your mum in a care home
2. Get some counselling

I felt so horribly alone because my dad does not speak English which straight away limits my support options. He refuses help or nice gestures. Complains all the time. I thought It was time to pack up all my hopes and dreams and throw them in the North Sea because my future was going to be my dad. I was determined to keep him living at home for as long as possible because that's what everybody wants, right?

My dad is demanding and critical of me - even if I miss a call from him and call him back straight away the first thing he asks me is "where the hell were you? Too busy to answer the phone?" Depending on my mood I might snipe back that I left my constant vigil by my phone to have a p***. I can tell you that it's definitely my dad talking and not dementia. I swap my shifts at work and use my days off to go to all the different appointments with him (dentist, GP for various ailments, he has cataracts and glaucoma, tinnitus and has psychosis), I want to start a family but am putting it off because I am emotionally exhausted and think a child will be death of me (my nice emotions are dried up and small talk at work is exhausting, the only emotions I have left are anger, frustration and misery - how can I bring a child into this life?!). I can't bear my friends' company and don't do anything with my husband and I've stopped cleaning, tidying or cooking. With therapy I've started to see that I have been a willing slave to my dad. Why am I sacrificing so much for no reward? Whenever I review the reasons for helping my dad they were always "I'll feel guilty if I don't" or "I'm his daughter", it's never "because I love him".

I think you have to consider the benefits of your situation. There's a lot of people who do it for the love and for those people both parties benefit. However if in your situation your mum is miserable and you're miserable surely it's not the right solution for either of you. I think you have some letting go to do.

Don't see it as punishment. It's very logical that if there was little love and respect invested in your relationship with your mum then naturally there will be very little love and respect in the jar to dip into (am I projecting here? Sorry!). It's nobody's fault that history has made it this way. You can either become emotionally indebted or cut your losses. You don't have to walk away from your mum just don't let her dominate your life. Set up boundaries and then to stick to them. Decide what you will and won't do. How much time you will spend on your mum.

It sounds like you have been saintly for doing this for so long. But if you are not getting anything but misery from this is it so selfish to turn your attentions to yourself? You have a loving family who need and deserve your love and they will give you love in return.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh and there will probably be a lot of people that will disagree with me but this is new found power for me. I was always frustrated with all the sound advice out there because people assume there is love. I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I realise I created my own futility and loneliness. I was ready to make the noble decision to be a martyr not realising that my cause did not deserve my sacrifice. I refuse to be in your position in a few years time but you should not be in the miserable position you are in now. Please please please get help, not for your mum, but for YOU!
Again sorry if I sound horrible
Take care!

 

[Aisling]

It's been a bad evening because I went down stairs to give mum her drugs and sort her out for bed, and as I was undressing her I noticed that she still had her pad on from last night, I put a clean one out for her to use this morning, and it had disappeared so I just presumed she'd used it, although I couldn't find the dirty one, but presumed she stashed it away somewhere, anyway, she had two pair of knickers on and they were both wet because the pad was so big and swollen with urine, that is was dripping on the floor, anyway when I tried to take it off her, boy did she go for me, she hit my hand, and told me that if I touched her again she'll kill me (like as if) and that no one could touch her as she wants to be left alone, then my husband turned up because he heard the ruckus, and she had a go at him and said if he comes near me I'm going to kill him, she was like a wild animal but when I looked into her eyes they were all glazed over, so god knows who she thought we were, but we didn't deserve that reaction, although I'm not surprised because she was always this way even before the dementia, growing up was a nightmare because she was a very difficult woman to get along with, and she still is, it's the main reason why we've never got along not really, even tho she's my mum, she's never been the loving type, people said I was mad after my father died, and that I was taking too much on, and why should look after her and care for her, because I owe her nothing, I don't know, I feel like if I do this then my conscience is clear when she eventually dies, I don't like being a carer, I don't find it rewarding when I'm constantly being told I'm stealing her money or I'm keeping her prisoner, I literally do everything for that women, because she can't do it herself, and I feel like because I'm the only child that I have to do his really, as there's no one else, so it's down to me.

It's a big burden on my family, I hardly get to see them much and we all live up stairs, but I persevere as not every day is like tonight's, but it's nights like tonight that I seriously doubt myself whether I am strong enough to do this you know, because caring for my mum really is mental torture in itself, but then I'd rather do it myself aYou t the moment than stick her into a care home that she doesn't want to go into.

I just have to keep reminding myself, she's old and has dementia! And hopefully I can get through this, as hard as it is.

Am so sorry. You are in an impossible situation. You cannot continue like this. Am not trying to influence your decision or scare you but you need urgent help. You have done your very best. I now believe that there is a time when with the best possible intentions a family carer reaches his/her limits. After years of caring I am looking for long term care for OH. It has been a long difficult journey for me without TP support I would be now very ill.

You have been strong and still are. You need to have a life too. Sometimes carers are brainwashed to continue to care by society . Believe me there is a limit one can endure. Only a carer knows the true picture.

I post on respite and nursing home threads. I live in Ireland.

You have given your mum support and love.

She now needs more care than you can give. You are completely stressed out.

Please get help asap. You are doing this for your Mum. I don't know your system but other TPs will be able to advise you.

Sending you loads of support and virtual hugs.

Aisling xxxx