Dear Geraldine,
Many thanks for your reply. Your own situation highlights my point about the isolation of nuclear families and I totally empathise with your situation in looking after your mother almost single handedly.
I have one brother who lives in a remote part of the Peak District with his cat. He's a wonderfully brilliant man but a total recluse and quite unable to get to grips with the daily routine and dealing with solicitors, banks, social services, etc. We see him a couple of times a year, so it's been down to me to look after my parents really.
They were both diagnosed as having AD back in 2000 when I arrived home from Bali on a holiday to find them totally unable to look after themselves. My three week holiday turned into an 11 month full time situation until I got things sorted. That was a horribly stressful time for me, as I had no information, no assistance and was very ignorant of how to go about seeking help, having lived o/s for over a decade at that time. I also was worried about my staff and the hotel too and wondering how they would cope with my continued absence. Neither of my parents were on medication at that time, so it was a total nightmare for me. My father was also really aggressive verbally and was continually berating me for spending money on food.
Eventually I decided to sell our family home, along with 40 years of memories and put my parents into close care accommodation attached to a Nursing Home. It was terribly expensive as we had to pay $170,000 for a lease, as well as paying over $5500 per quarter for living expenses. Early last year the owners contacted me and told me that my parents would have to move as the Blair Govt had changed the regs and they didn't have EMI Registration. So back I came from Bali once again in April and finally located a suitable bungalow for them. I spent 2 months painting the place and cleaning up and they finally moved in during October last year. It took them until January to really settle down, but until that time I was up at least 6 times a night helping them to find the bathroom, as well as orienting them to a new living environment during the day, initially without any help at all.
Fortunately for me, the lady that used to come in to their previous accommodation to do the cleaning, agreed to come in a couple of hours a day to help out from the end of last year. Ater that, her husband also came in 2 days a week to take Mum and Dad out on day trips, which is how I came to have 2 wonderful carers who were willing to move in full time and look after the oldies whilst I returned home to Bali. I was able to fly back to Indonesia in Feb this year knowing that my parents would be totally safe. They have been an absolute Godsend and I know I couldn't have coped long term without their care and support, both for my parents and for myself too! They are very special and have become great friends and the 'extended family' that we so desperately needed.
I do realise that ultimately my parents - one or both - will need full time care in a Nursing Home. Such is the nature of this disease. I just hope that we can keep them in a secure family environment for as long as possible before then. In the meantime, we take every day as it comes and hope for their continued good health physically and a fairly stable mental state of mind.
I really hope that you don't think that I was in any way being critical of people who decide to put their parents or spouses in Nursing Homes. That was certainly not my intention. I was only making a comparison between extended and nuclear families. I sincerely apologies if I sounded judgemental in any way - it wasn't intended.
Best wishes Jude