Back down to earth I go!

[kingmidas1962]

Had a really quite nice day out with mum (for those of you who don't know me, she is recovering from a breakdown which happened just before my dad went into care - he has dementia and she is a lifelong depression and anxiety sufferer).

Took her to the doctors (well, that bit wasn't nice!) and then took her to a shop to buy some new bedroom curtains. Stopped for lunch on the way back then took her home. I left her early afternoon going down to join her friends for tea (she lives in an assisted living complex) and I came home to do some work and potter in the garden. She was on pretty good form today, quite happy and not moaning about everything under the sun, as she tends to do.

Anyway, all in all I thought she seemed pretty good.

Then when I got home from picking my daughter up from the station I noticed an answering machine message. Mum. Had I remembered it was my SIL's birthday in two days time? This is my brothers wife who for some reason mum just cannot take a shine to. I had remembered but I thought I'd call her back. THAT was my mistake. Will I never learn? I was just calling her back to say thanks for reminding me (even though I hadn't actually forgotten)

Within the blink of an eye she has gone from being relatively happy and confident today, after speaking to my SIL she is a nervous wreck. I have absolutely no idea what the issue is - she says she just doesn't know what to say to my SIL (lets call her Carol), that she always gets tongue-tied and doesn't know what to say to her and she feels stupid.

Mum is devastated by having forgotten Carol's birthday (it isn't for two days so she does have time to get a card/cheque and post it to still reach her in time), and given mums situation I know Carol wouldn't mind if it was a day late. I know it is the nature of depression to get things out of proportion but this was COMPLETELY out of proportion.

Mum said

'I just can't talk to Carol ... this is what I'm like with her. I don't know what to say, She asked me how I was and I said 'about the same'. I can't tell her that I'm better because I'm not, am I? I get so tongue tied. She asked if I'd been up to anything and I forgot everything. My head gets all muddled. I feel awful that I forgot her birthday, Awful'

I could hear the shakiness starting in her voice.

I didn't know what to say. I felt so deflated after having such a nice day, and then I have mum in tears on the phone because she's had a simple phone call and forgotten someone's birthday.

Meltdown.

Eventually she just sort of trailed off into nothing and all I could say was 'honestly mum, I wouldn't worry. I forgot as well - I thought it was next week' (I didn't but I thought it would make her feel better)

I know its hard to reason with someone who suffers from depression but I wish they'd bury the hatchet - well, I wish mum would see Carol for what she is - a kind, caring woman who whilst not being on quite the same wavelength as mum is giving up some of her summer holiday to come and stay with her brother so she can keep um company while I'm on holiday. Maybe that's what sparked it off - she is realising she will actually have to spend time with her.

As my 15 year old would say 'it does my head in'

We'd had such a happy day really and then she has to go and spoil it (I know that's not true, and I sound like a brat but that's how it feels)

 

[Bumblegirl]

Hi,

I really sympathise with how difficult it is to deal with a needy parent. You're very kind and caring and that is what makes it difficult to leave your mum to her own devices.

My mum has dementia but my dad (who doesn't) is my biggest problem as he is so needy. He drains me every day. Now when he rings, I ignore the phone until I am ready to speak to him. He rings about 6 times a day to tell me what he is doing and where he's going. His calls are quite harmless but every day, it is draining. I only answer when I can be bothered.

Sounds like I'm a right cow but the more I answer and get involved, the more attention he wants. He can never have enough attention.

I have told him straight that he needs to get a life outside of me. If he is unwilling, then it's a care home for him as i cant give him what he wants which is company and someone to take the place of mum (domestic duties and making decisions). Funnily enough, he seems to be trying to get a bit more of a life. Maybe you need to spell it out to your mum what effect she has on you? Sometimes honesty is the best policy. Only you know how to move forward.

You've tried softly softly. Maybe it's time to go for hard facts about how she makes you feel. You feel dreadful doing it but in my case, it was essential as I was getting so stressed out. If you can't, then perhaps you need to find a way of coping with her clinginess that doesn't drain you too much.
All the best and hopefully you'll turn off your phone on holiday!
BG

 

[kingmidas1962]

My mum has dementia but my dad (who doesn't) is my biggest problem as he is so needy.

Your dad and my mum - separated at birth by the sounds of it ....

... rings about 6 times a day to tell me what he is doing and where he's going. His calls are quite harmless but every day, it is draining.....

Yes it is. Even a call to say mum didnt find what she wanted at the shops, or that she didnt get caught in the storms (yesterday) feels like an intrusion.

Maybe it's time to go for hard facts about how she makes you feel.
BG

You must be psychic! I was saying to my daughter - I've tried explaining and justifying how she feels. No good. I've tried nicely nicely, gently gently - no good. whilst I will never be cruel I am getting better at telling her what is happening, rather than asking her permission and bargaining all the time.

 

[Bumblegirl]

Hi again!
Hope things do improve for you with your mum. Just one step at a time. Focus on the holiday for now and for a lovely chance to switch off - I meant what I said - turn off your phone!
Good luck.
BG