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Back again...... sorry.

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
54
So after being coerced into doing the 30 minute with mum at her care home last week by the home itself, I obviously wish I hadn’t gone.
It has taken me roughly a week to calm down and process everything that she said and it’s made me feel terrible, I felt terrible anyway, so what was the point?
Typical me to be pushed into things I don’t want to do or not happy with it and I never seem to learn.
I am as confused as ever with this disease and it’s obvious I just don’t “get it”.
We have her house to sort out which again I am finding really hard while she is still with us and is even more convinced she is going home and if we make her stay there , she will kill her self and we will have to live with that until we die because that is the awful children she had..... her words... and the guilt will haunt us forever how we ruined her life..... no smile no hello no I am pleased to see you.... nothing .... why have you dumped me here, you’re cruel and wicked.... and so it went on...., part of what she said was more hurtful than some and that is when she said she will kill herself, I know she can’t, but our dad took his own life, it’s left a mark on this whole family , strange as it seems as it happened 50 years ago. But it’s stayed with us... a bit like the chain around Jacob Marley in Scrooge. This over bearing weight we have dragged with us and it never goes away, She has always threatened this during our lives, and I think to a degree we brush it off, but it’s hurtful when one parent has already done that for the other to throw this in your face your whole life and is still doing it now with dementia.... This woman is seriously messing with my head. Sorry to be back here just moaning AGAIN... 😢😢
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,595
South coast
Im so sorry that you had such a bad visit, people with dementia often save up all their vitriol for their families. Its often very much like a toddler throwing a strop and saying the most hurtful and insulting things that they can think of.
You dont have to visit any time soon. Just keep telling yourself that she is safe and looked after.

Have you ever considered counselling?
xx
 

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
54
Im so sorry that you had such a bad visit, people with dementia often save up all their vitriol for their families. Its often very much like a toddler throwing a strop and saying the most hurtful and insulting things that they can think of.
You dont have to visit any time soon. Just keep telling yourself that she is safe and looked after.

Have you ever considered counselling?
xx
We haven’t planned another visit, it’s too much. I am in contact with my GP and an admiral nurse about getting some support,. X
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
875
Hi @Joey16, that is a truly awful experience for you, I know it's easy for us to say don't let it affect you as Mum has dementia, but words, even dementia driven words, do hurt - especially in the context of what happened with your Dad, I'm sure it resurrects a lot of those old feelings too. I can understand how it has taken a week to calm down and process everything. You and the family have only done what is best for Mum and it is likely if she was at home you would be experiencing the same sort of abuse but more frequent and all of the other worries and stresses around Mum's care and well-being. I think @canary advice is sound - you don't have to visit anytime soon - do you have any other family or friends that you can speak to, it sounds like a heavy load to bear. I wish you all the best, stay strong and keep posting.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,833
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Joey16 I know how stressful dementia is, especially when there's other family stresses involved. I found counseling very helpful to get things into perspective so I hope your GP can offer you something useful. As the others say - your mum is safe so you don't need to visit at the moment.

Keep posting, we're all here for you.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
665
I'm so sorry to hear about your visit. You will be feeling battered and bruised. There's nothing quite like a vicious mum for messing your head up. I think they sometimes sit and stew like a pressure cooker and as soon as they see us, the safety valve opens. Take some time to mend and use some of that kind soul for yourself x
 

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
54
Hi @Joey16, that is a truly awful experience for you, I know it's easy for us to say don't let it affect you as Mum has dementia, but words, even dementia driven words, do hurt - especially in the context of what happened with your Dad, I'm sure it resurrects a lot of those old feelings too. I can understand how it has taken a week to calm down and process everything. You and the family have only done what is best for Mum and it is likely if she was at home you would be experiencing the same sort of abuse but more frequent and all of the other worries and stresses around Mum's care and well-being. I think @canary advice is sound - you don't have to visit anytime soon - do you have any other family or friends that you can speak to, it sounds like a heavy load to bear. I wish you all the best, stay strong and keep posting.
Hi @Joey16, that is a truly awful experience for you, I know it's easy for us to say don't let it affect you as Mum has dementia, but words, even dementia driven words, do hurt - especially in the context of what happened with your Dad, I'm sure it resurrects a lot of those old feelings too. I can understand how it has taken a week to calm down and process everything. You and the family have only done what is best for Mum and it is likely if she was at home you would be experiencing the same sort of abuse but more frequent and all of the other worries and stresses around Mum's care and well-being. I think @canary advice is sound - you don't have to visit anytime soon - do you have any other family or friends that you can speak to, it sounds like a heavy load to bear. I wish you all the best, stay strong and keep posting.
Hello
Hi @Joey16, that is a truly awful experience for you, I know it's easy for us to say don't let it affect you as Mum has dementia, but words, even dementia driven words, do hurt - especially in the context of what happened with your Dad, I'm sure it resurrects a lot of those old feelings too. I can understand how it has taken a week to calm down and process everything. You and the family have only done what is best for Mum and it is likely if she was at home you would be experiencing the same sort of abuse but more frequent and all of the other worries and stresses around Mum's care and well-being. I think @canary advice is sound - you don't have to visit anytime soon - do you have any other family or friends that you can speak to, it sounds like a heavy load to bear. I wish you all the best, stay strong and keep posting.
Hello,
I don’t really talk to the rest of my family much, mainly my sister, as we do this together and we have come to this really strange Stage where we avoid talking about mum too much because of how upset I get, my sister is much better at handling all this, so it’s sort of become a bit weird, but not in a horrible way, we try to focus on things that are more positive I suppose.
I am also aware that I don’t want to get on anyone nerves but going on and on, butI end up bottling things up which is how I have found myself on here, so I can hear from others and try and gage what it is we are dealing with and some of the advice and help that I have had is brilliant, I actually started to feel a bit more “knowledgeable “ and felt that I was learning new things, then we did the visit!!!!
We are holding off going at the moment, as you and others say, she is safe and being looked after so we don’t need to worry about that. Xx
 

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
54
Hi @Joey16 I know how stressful dementia is, especially when there's other family stresses involved. I found counseling very helpful to get things into perspective so I hope your GP can offer you something useful. As the others say - your mum is safe so you don't need to visit at the moment.

Keep posting, we're all here for you.
Thank you so much. I am definitely going to push for some support with this as I can walk around the way I feel, it’s impacting on my life and I need to feel guilt free, what I feel,guilty about half the time I have no idea... I am getting on my own nerves now!!! X
 

Joey16

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
54
I'm so sorry to hear about your visit. You will be feeling battered and bruised. There's nothing quite like a vicious mum for messing your head up. I think they sometimes sit and stew like a pressure cooker and as soon as they see us, the safety valve opens. Take some time to mend and use some of that kind soul for yourself x
You have got that spot on. Mum was a bit like this pre-dementia and she has got worse, very toxic at times and spiteful, it’s hard to take all the time xx
 

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