[B]How to cope when relatives in care homes dont want to see you[/B]

[Misty]

Hello.

I only joined TP yesterday, and have posted twice today. It is such a good website - very supportive.

My Grandma is at the stage now where she continuously talks to herself, which has been bearable, although distressing. However now she refuses to talk to me when I go to see her, telling me to go away accusing me of trying to kill her. Now I know that this is the illness doing this, and not really her, but it is really hard to cope with, and I dont think I will ever get used to it.

How do others manage with this part of the illness? Thanks.

 

[Brucie]

Hi Misty

Does she always accuse you in this way? Or sometimes have you 'stolen her money' or 'made her miss her bus' or something?

I can't really have conversations that mean anything with my wife, but I do speak to the other people at her care home.

It may seem weird, but I become a different person to each one. I try to tailor who I appear to be to them, to what they think I am. Does that make sense?

So, to P..... I am a doctor, and I always greet her warmly, and ask how she is, then say I'll be back. To M... like her I become also from Jamaica. Difficult one this, because I asked her if she'd had some ganja a while ago, and she tried to hit me with her stick. [ganja being marijuana; clearly the older ones don't have the same likes as the young ones....]

You might see if you can find a topic to talk about that makes you NOT the person who she is scared of.

It is all a bit of a mystery tour as the illness progresses and one has to try and figure out what works, and what doesn't.

 

[Misty]

Hi Bruce

Indeed the disease is a mystery, and I am just blindly trying to find my way through it!
Unfortunately my Grandma's accusations are a regular thing now. One day I am going to hang her, the next I am trying to poison her. Today she actually told me to leave, getting in quite a state so I had no choice but to do so. It was very distressing, but the carers at the home were very comforting.
The way I try to cope is that I hope deep down, at the back of her mind, she actually does not want me to see her like it, and it is her way of getting rid of me. Probably very niave of me to think that, but it makes me feel better.
Thanks for your kind advice.

Misty

 

[Brucie]

Hi Misty

you are very perceptive!

I have thought the same thing when Jan has been nasty to me. Even if it is not true, it helps us to believe it. I like to think they still do want to protect us from seeing them as they are, and to protect themselves from being seen when not at their best.

It is all about turning situations upon their heads, isn't it? Sometimes black really IS white...to them at least.