At what stage do you move a relative into a care home?

Mimimegusta

New member
Jan 3, 2020
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Hello, our father is in early stages of dementia. He has lived alone for the last 38 years and only in the past year has he received carer support. He is able bodied but we are concerned with loneliness and his obvious anxiety of being alone when we are not with him. Is now the time to move him to a home? I stayed with him for a year and a half as he was sick end of 2018 with bowel cancer and then again in March 2019 with a lung infection which meant two long stays in hospital. Being at his home with him to support him has felt the honourable thing to do but also has made me regress a lot and now feel very guilty wanting to move out to focus on my life. Has anyone else been in this position and at what point do you consider full time care? Thanks
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
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My mum is 87, diagnosed with AZ in 2015 and then with breast cancer just before Christmas. She is not having any treatment for the cancer other than taking oestrogen tablets - not that she takes them willingly! She still lives alone with support from us three siblings but had my sister not been made redundant last September and willing to take a career sabbatical to care for mum for 20 hours a week, ( we pay her £10 an hour plus petrol money which is a lot cheaper than an agency) we would have needed to employ agency carers.

Mum needs a daily visit to cook a meal and sort out domestic arrangements and medical needs but with a lot of technical aids, we are still happy for her to remain at home - but for how much longer, who knows! She is not incontinent and does not wander out of the house so is quite safe although she is pretty much in her own world, She has lovely neighbours who love her very much and will phone me if they have any concerns and the owner of the local shop that she visits most days also has my phone number.

We have a very sophisticated call blocker on her phone so no one can contact her unless I have added them to a trusted list, we have three security cameras and a door bell with cameras and microphones, the gas has been isolated to her cooker, we control the heating remotely through Hive and most of the important plug sockets have plates covering them - not much more we can do!

But we think we are still some way from needing to consider care homes, mum is healthy, safe and comfortable in her own home with little evidence of anxiety although I think she is rather lonely so we are thinking of employing carers to come in at weekends for extra visits.

I don't know when we will look at care homes, possibly once she is no longer safe on her own, maybe with falling, wandering outside or other health issues.

Everyone is different and some pwd need more care at an earlier stage than other people. If I was the only child caring for mum then I would not be able to cope.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
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@Mimimegusta sounds familiar to me. 2018 oesophageal cancer. March 2019 pneumonia and hospital stay and here I am still.

Dad should be in a care home I have no doubt about that but like you I have done what I believe is right and stuck by him although I don't think it was really the best thing in the long run.

Perhaps it is time now for you to consider full time care for your dad because this may go on for a lot longer than you expect.
 

Mimimegusta

New member
Jan 3, 2020
6
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My mum is 87, diagnosed with AZ in 2015 and then with breast cancer just before Christmas. She is not having any treatment for the cancer other than taking oestrogen tablets - not that she takes them willingly! She still lives alone with support from us three siblings but had my sister not been made redundant last September and willing to take a career sabbatical to care for mum for 20 hours a week, ( we pay her £10 an hour plus petrol money which is a lot cheaper than an agency) we would have needed to employ agency carers.

Mum needs a daily visit to cook a meal and sort out domestic arrangements and medical needs but with a lot of technical aids, we are still happy for her to remain at home - but for how much longer, who knows! She is not incontinent and does not wander out of the house so is quite safe although she is pretty much in her own world, She has lovely neighbours who love her very much and will phone me if they have any concerns and the owner of the local shop that she visits most days also has my phone number.

We have a very sophisticated call blocker on her phone so no one can contact her unless I have added them to a trusted list, we have three security cameras and a door bell with cameras and microphones, the gas has been isolated to her cooker, we control the heating remotely through Hive and most of the important plug sockets have plates covering them - not much more we can do!

But we think we are still some way from needing to consider care homes, mum is healthy, safe and comfortable in her own home with little evidence of anxiety although I think she is rather lonely so we are thinking of employing carers to come in at weekends for extra visits.

I don't know when we will look at care homes, possibly once she is no longer safe on her own, maybe with falling, wandering outside or other health issues.

Everyone is different and some pwd need more care at an earlier stage than other people. If I was the only child caring for mum then I would not be able to cope.
It sounds like your mum is well cared for and supported by her community.

What call blocker tool did you use for her phone this sounds like a useful addition for his wellbeing thank you
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
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South coast
Dad is resistant to anything that is dementia related as he has a lot of pride I endeavoured before to attend one and he declined
Lots of people are the same. Many carers have "repackaged" day care as a "club for retired people" or something similar without having the dreaded D word in it.
My OH declined day care about 18 months ago, but I have decided that, by hook or by crook, its going to happen
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
1,045
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It sounds like your mum is well cared for and supported by her community.

What call blocker tool did you use for her phone this sounds like a useful addition for his wellbeing thank you

One called Truecall which has a model specifically designed for people with dementia with settings that can be set so only approved callers can get through. I had my first call today from someone wha had phoned mum but heard a message from me which gives my mobile number for them to use. As it was her energy provide ranting to install a smart meter, I was able to decline the offer and get mum removed from their mailing list.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
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Scotland
Lots of people are the same. Many carers have "repackaged" day care as a "club for retired people" or something similar without having the dreaded D word in it.
My OH declined day care about 18 months ago, but I have decided that, by hook or by crook, its going to happen
I don’t know how other local authorities organise it but in Glasgow daycare run by them is not all about dementia. John attended two which were about 30% dementia. The others were elderly people with health or loneliness issues and often very good company and tolerant of those with dementia. These were early to mid range dementia.

The daycare run by Alzheimer’s Scotland on the other hand was all dementia. I know it’s easier in a city to find a good fit for each person but I honestly think daycare is a really important way to keep someone out of a care home and at the same time preserve the sanity of the carer.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
I don’t know how other local authorities organise it but in Glasgow daycare run by them is not all about dementia. John attended two which were about 30% dementia. The others were elderly people with health or loneliness issues and often very good company and tolerant of those with dementia. These were early to mid range dementia.

The daycare run by Alzheimer’s Scotland on the other hand was all dementia and in very small groups of about eight or ten. I know it’s easier in a city to find a good fit for each person but I honestly think daycare is a really important way to keep someone out of a care home and at the same time preserve the sanity of the carer.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
7,085
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Chester
I moved my mum into sheltered extra care - initially she only needed care calls for meds prompts twice a day, and she went downstairs to use the restaurant at lunch time, she still sorted her own breakfast out, had a pot of tea on the go all day, and sorted out food for her evening meal. As it is her own flat, she still felt she had her independence but she could join in with activities, which she did every day.

6 years later things have progressed and the care hours have been slowly upped. She no longer makes cups of tea and her breakfast is put in front of her. She would certainly have been in a care home by how if I hadn't set this up earlier, it wouldn't work to move into sheltered extra care when she wasn't able to learn the routines without lots of supervision.

At the time my children were 8 and 12 and I was working and there was no way I would have coped trying to coordinate carers or getting my mum to do anything.

This isn't suitable for wanderers but is suitable for early stage and has the advantage there are other elderly frail people that mean it isn't just for PWD.

From what you write it does sound like your dad is at a stage he might benefit from this sort of accommodation.

One of the things I realised quite quickly with hindsight (ie after mum had been there 6 months) was she had been very anxious at homeon her own and she really relaxed knowing that there were people around her and things were taken care of (ie I was doing her shopping and finance). It made her happy as well, which was an added bonus. Mum lived 200 miles away so I looked at sorting her out in a normal sheltered flat and realised neither mum or I would cope with that.

Where she is is run by a housing association, although mum is self funding and has been absolutely perfect for her to date. I never expected her to live there for 6 years when I first moved her in there, although I suspect a care home might be needed in the next 12 months.

One of the reasons for looking at sheltered extra care was I didn't think she was quite ready for a care home.