At the end of my tether...

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Bunpoots, Feb 18, 2018.

  1. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,619
    USA
    Bunpoots, I hope your dad doesn't s more comfortable and being well looked after and that you feel you are able to get some rest. All best wishes to you. And some (((((((hugs))))))), of course!
     
  2. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,153
    Nottinghamshire
    Thanks @Amy in the US

    Dad looked comfortable and was tapping his fingers on the side of an empty mug when we arrived. He was pleased to see us but not making much sense. His bed can be seen from the nurses station.

    If he has another bleed he might be moved to a larger hospital about 15 miles away. I hope not. I'm hoping he'll make a full recovery. There's still talk of getting him back home but if this latest episode has left him unable to walk I'm not sure what to do. It'll take two carers to move him which will be very expensive.

    Probably time to consider a nursing home.
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,700
    Kent
    Sometimes these decisions are made for us @Bunpoots.
     
  4. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,153
    Nottinghamshire
    I know :(. I'm going to visit some just in case...
     
  5. BLIP

    BLIP Registered User

    Jul 22, 2018
    66

    Best to be prepared for all eventualities in these cases isn't it Bunpoots ? I hope your dad is comfortable and doesn't upset you or himself if it comes to the move to a nursing home, if it does. Keep calm and count to 10 billion lol.
     
  6. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,153
    Nottinghamshire
    Thanks BLIP. I'll start counting...
     
  7. BLIP

    BLIP Registered User

    Jul 22, 2018
    66
    Very difficult to sit in a room with a bully S.W. and listen to his BS. He believes everything M.I.L. says and obviously has no or little experience with dementia, if he did he would know that DP lie through their teeth to everyone including themselves ! I have shed so many tears this last week because hubby is so upset and hurt that the SW has branded him an abuser in front of police who were on the side of the SW. I know they both have a duty of care but hubby was treated like a criminal. Hubby is in dreadful pain with his leg, hence amputation and suffers from depression but is given no chance to defend himself ! He is a clergyman and has worked in geriatric hospitals so he's used to OAP'S with mental problems and has performed the last rites on more than he can count. The police even told him he shouldn't be wearing his clerical collar and crucifix the damn cheek. He worked hard for it and lives his life accordingly which makes the situation even harder to deal with. End of rant for now. Take care of yourself canary x
     
  8. Cazzita

    Cazzita Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    509
    #348 Cazzita, Jul 30, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2018
    Hello @Lindy50,
    Nice to 'meet' you too! Yes, I guess that everyone is different but it does look like people with FTD, which mum has, will end up being doubly incontinent. I really can't stand the thought of it and already I am cleaning up after mum has wet herself all over the hall floor which she does a few times a week because she 'can't be bothered' to make it in time! So frustrating and of course she has absolutely no inclination to clear it up herself and no embarrassment either. So sad that people have to get like this - in a state that would have horrified them a year ago. Anyway, will make the 'best' of the situation and try not to fret too much about what lies ahead... xx
     
  9. Cazzita

    Cazzita Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    509
    Oh this is awful to hear! Poor man. @BLIP, I hope things imrove for him quickly and that people in charge can be more sympathetic. No excuses for this kind of cold attitude towards anyone :(
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,698
    Female
    South coast
    It sounds like a referral to the continence clinic is in order @Cazzita
    Maybe time to look at pull-ups?
     
  11. BLIP

    BLIP Registered User

    Jul 22, 2018
    66
    Thank you for caring it means a lot.
     
  12. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,153
    Nottinghamshire
    Ten years ago my dad found himself in a similar position @BLIP. He had been getting mum out of her wheelchair by holding her arms and getting her to stand up. She used to bruise very easily and fingerprint bruises on the arms can be caused by abuse. SS were ready to put her in a home until one of the nurses asked dad to demonstrate how he helped mum to stand up...if that nurse hadn't had a bit of common sense my dad would have been labelled an abuser!!

    I hope someone who understands that everything PWD say cannot be relied upon comes along soon.

    It's awful how he's being treated. You just need the right person.
     
  13. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,153
    Nottinghamshire
    @Cazzita . It was dad's incontinence that broke me. Especially the mind-boggling lack of understanding that he was incontinent!!! I think dementia, incontinence and denial are an impossible combination. I had to get professional carer's in at that point.

    Definitely get in touch with the incontinence clinic. It took a few months from referral to actually getting help for dad and what started as a trickle soon became a flood...
     
  14. Rolypoly

    Rolypoly Registered User

    Jan 15, 2018
    2,319

    Beggars belief :mad:.No wonder your OH is so upset, what a dreadful thing to say. Make sure you go to the meeting to get your side across. It might help to jot down the points you want to get across so you don’t forget in the stress. Good luck.
     
  15. Rolypoly

    Rolypoly Registered User

    Jan 15, 2018
    2,319
    Sorry to hear about your dads fall and subsequent hospitalisation. Let’s hope he can soon play that game of badminton and visit the theatre (as long as it's not the one my mum went to :D).

    Re care home, could you put him in one after discharge to see how it goes, on the pretence of getting well, hospital said so etc. He’s never going to like it when it happens because there’s nothing wrong with him :rolleyes:, but at least you can blame the drs and hospital rather than him blaming you.
     
  16. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,153
    Nottinghamshire
    We could block the theatre isles for hours if we went together :D:D

    I'll try the "doctor says" thing with my dad. But of course dad thinks the doctor's an idiot - after all, there's nothing wrong with dad :rolleyes:
     
  17. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,619
    USA
    Bunpoots, sorry about the typos in my last post. I must remember to proofread more carefully. The predictive text and autocorrect make for some interesting syntax!

    I was trying to say, I hope he is receiving good care, and I know having someone in hospital is stressful, especially when it's someone with dementia.

    The anosognosia doesn't help. When my mother had her fractured kneecap and surgery and hospital and rehab stay last year, it was driven home to me how the wretched anosognosia works, as she could not grasp she had hurt herself. If I told her she had fallen and hurt her knee, she'd accept my explanation in the moment, but seconds later we would be back to why am I here, there's nothing wrong with me, what is this thing on my leg? We thought her wound would never heal as she was always removing the dressings and picking at her sutures! And of course, since there was "nothing" wrong, she was also getting up and walking unassisted. That rehab place was good, but they didn't understand dementia.

    Sorry, I digress. The lack of insight is hard and combined with memory loss, even harder.

    I think it would be sensible to look at some care homes, just in case. Much better to do it to your own schedule and be able to take some time, than to have to select one in a hurry.

    Nothing about this is easy and I'm sorry.
     
  18. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,153
    Nottinghamshire
    It's ok @Amy in the US - I understood what you were trying to say, Inspite of auto-correct's efforts to undermine you :D

    I remember you talking about your mum's knee. It amazes me how pain doesn't seem to register!!

    Dad seems settled at the moment. But I've been googling "bleed on the brain" and the prognosis doesn't sound good. I hope someone speaks to me before they decide on any treatment. Dad has already made a directive that he doesn't want any life prolonging treatments. He decided this 2 years ago when he refused heart surgery. I suppose he would feel the same about brain surgery if he had a clue what was going on. But I don't trust these doctors and dad looks so much younger than his 89 years that they tend to get a bit carried away.

    I don't want dad's life extending when the quality is already poor and I don't want him to die under the surgeons knife.

    Hope you're keeping well and your mother isn't too busy unpacking everything in her room :rolleyes:
     
  19. vicx

    vicx Registered User

    Sep 11, 2017
    17
     
  20. vicx

    vicx Registered User

    Sep 11, 2017
    17
    I apologise for previous post i just can't get the hang of this 'quoting'..
    Bunpoots thank you, when i hear other peoples experience with this disease i am reminded that i am so not alone. I have asked SS for an assessment but that was 5 weeks ago and still nothing, apparently waiting lists. I didn't think hitting crisis was the goal, rather getting in before it occurred.
    I am fortunate to have sisters, particularly quite knowledgeable ones. However the everyday care comes to me and one other sister, and i think (selfishly) when we put so much time and effort to be told she never sees us. We arranged day care in the guise of a voluntary role, but that went off boil, as she'd prefer to be with us all day everyday. I know i sound selfish, and definitely feel it, but we've lost any normality in our lives. I had to leave my job because of this, I've thought about going back to work and waiting for the crisis to happen, but all that would happen is she would then become reliant on my other sister who works from home.
    In the last 5 days myself, hubbie and 3 of my 4 children have had a nasty vomiting virus, how on earth she didn't get it i'll never know she was with us everyday. I was obviously ill and every few minutes we had the conversation "are you ill, you look dreadful"? I know its going to get worse and we are stopping the possibility of any crisis happening, by doing as we are told. We are still told she's in charge, but when she falls out with us it only lasts 5 minutes sadly.
     

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