At my wits end

[Dayperson]

I am really struggling with mum. It's been a few things the past few days including over eating (2 slices of bread plus chocolate bread for breakfast, dad made her two slices for tea and she forgot and made her own and I know she ate all 4 slices), drinking her juice without diluting it. Then because she hasn't washed, she had a rash on her chest which wouldn't go. Took her to the doctors, was given some cream which didn't work, took her again this week, given a different cream which is working but today she had an argument about it and wouldn't let me do it.

What do I do, force her to use it or let it get worse? Also if she sees the dermatologist, she will probably get me to use some cream but whats the point if she won't use it.

I suppose my real question is should I let her get worse or fight to make sure she gets rid of this? I'm guessing the advice would be to leave it but then won't she get iller? I seems like a catch 22, she doesn't understand that her actions cause other illnesses (she has had several infections in a year) and won't let us help them to heal.

At the same time my blood pressure must be going through the roof and I don't know how to cope.

I'm off for a very long walk to get away from it all for a while. I hope I feel better when I return.

 

[Witzend]

Is there any food or treat she particularly likes, that you could promise her, but only if she lets you put the cream on?

Other than that, I don't know and you have my sympathies. My mother would not allow either me or carers to apply cream to her sore and itchy skin, which she was constantly scratching. She insisted that it would 'rot her clothes' and would get very cross and agitated if I persisted.

 

[Mrsbusy]

As your mum is interested in her food, which is a good thing, how about bribery. Tell her if you let me put the cream on I will make you this, or buy her a cream cake or something.

I did notice that what she is eating is sweet stuff so has she been checked for diabetes as I believe you can get a rash with that, and I know they can crave sugar too.

Hope your walk helped. I know it works for me when I take the dog out.

 

[Dayperson]

Thanks for your replies. The walk did help a lot but since we had a large argument today, I am still hesitant at making conversation. I may try with the cream again tonight if I feel we're both ready to try again but I'll play it by ear.

I'm not sure what food to bribe her with and I think she would know something is up.

 

[Boldredrosie]

Sorry I don't have any advice but you have all my sympathies.

 

[fizzie]

have a look at this
This leaflet on compassionate communication is very useful - I found it very hard to master but I stuck it on my fridge to remind me every day and it really does work

Do have a look at it
http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf

 

[Dayperson]

Thanks for the link fizzie, it would be ok if it was just me struggling but my dad shouts at her as well so that makes the situation worse. Dad has told her she must do her cream now but we will supervise, that way she can't complain.

I'm just fed up and feeling depressed at the moment. I have issues with my life at the moment and when mum has a bad few days it tips me over the edge and I end up crying in my room to destress although I think I will need a walk tomorrow as I am still stressed.

She's been sleeping this afternoon so I'm guessing dad will have a disturbed night and tomorrow will be just as bad as we will all be grumpy/

 

[fizzie]

Give your Dad a copy too, tell him it will make his life easier if he follows the advice - it seriously changes the dynamics and everyone becomes a lot calmer and days become more bearable instead of being constantly locked in a pointless battle - because dementia always wins!!!!

It sounds to me as though you are all at breaking point, mum included (she is confused and my bet is that she has no idea why anyone is shouting at her other than that they are all mad as hatters!!) My Ma used to tell me that I really needed to get my memory sorted out because she was so worried about me!! and that my children needed to be seen by specialists because they were stealing her things - the list of off the wall comments are endless!

Does she go to a day care centre - if not then please please please call social services, find out about day centres and book her in - she will enjoy it in spite of a zillion protests and you will all feel the relief that comes with knowing you have a few 'free' hours xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Ellaroo]

My mum is refusing to bathe or have a wash down. She argues when politely asked if she would like a wash. Ive tried everthing that i can think of. I presume in care homes this happens but they have walk in showers so it can be done with minimum stress.
Im building myself up to start asking her again after a cup of tea . Wish me luck

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Ellaroo
do you actually ask her - as in 'Would you like to have a shower/wash now?'
if you do, try either switching the question eg It's time for a lovely warm shower now, isn't it? ie the expected answer is yes
or not asking, just stating and acting as though it simply is going to happen eg Time for your wash, you've some lovely new soap to try and the towels are already warmed up; let's listen to (favourite music) as well

dad was much more likely to wash with flannels, rather than have a shower, and liked to sit as much as poss - he really didn't like to get his face wet or having the water pouring over him and was worried about slipping

I found asking dad was just leaving me on a road to nowhere as he said no and then I was working against his resistance
if I just assumed it was going to happen - having already put everything in place - he was more likely to go along with me - not foolproof, but then nothing is - and sorry if this is what you do anyway

good luck

 

[Amy in the US]

Ellaroo, I think Shedrech has a good suggestion. I have heard stories from others that sometimes, the PWD (person with dementia) will go along with bathing, et cetera, if everything is in place and they are gently but firmly directed. Bathing seems to be a particularly difficult stumbling block for personal care.

Another idea is to have a carer come in, to do the bathing, preferably someone in a uniform of some sort. This is along the same lines as "doctor's orders" and not taking no for an answer. Sometimes the PWD is responsive to an authority figure, and it can take the burden off of you.

I also heard a suggestion for a tactic at a support group the other day: ask the person, "I really need your help; would you please help me out with something?" and they will often say, "yes," and THEN you say, "I appreciate that, thank you so much for agreeing to help me, time to take your pills/have a wash/change your clothes/whatever now."

 

[1954]

You do have my sympathies but maybe you have to choose your battles to keep you sane! I choose my battles as I could not cope otherwise


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Shedrech]

Good point 1954, and yes, Amy in the US, I remember dad did respond well to the matronly carers who came in the morning - less so to the male carers - and having them do personal care took the stress off me

been thinking - and if I got dad to wash every other day I counted my blessings - early on he was OK with a shower maybe 2 times a week, became almost impossible later - he would quite happily wash his hands after toilet visits and usually flannel his face too, but had to be reminded to do both, and latterly helped too - I used to give him a foot bath once a week with him in his comfy chair and his feet in a washing up bowl; he enjoyed that - and wash his hair over the kitchen sink, as of old, though latterly he wasn't keen with the water going over his face and didn't like it going down his neck - he was happier washing in his bedroom too, so I took in a bowl and flannels and kept him wrapped in a towelling dressing gown as though the room was warm he felt cold easily

so Ellaroo, maybe don't push to have a wash every day - it's a stress for you both

in his care home he still refuses a wash and I don't think has a regular shower - I can get him to have a body wash using flannels though he says he feels cold so have to be quick - and I use flannels to wash his hair too so no water is poured (very fine short hair so works well)

I believe there are large 'wet wipes' available for personal care - and dry shampoos for hair

 

[Witzend]

Re bathing/showering, my mother would do it only if my sister got tough - 'Come on, you NEED a shower - you smell!' (she did). No amount of ordinary or gentle persuasion from me ever worked - it was always 'I can't be bothered', and she would get cross and tearful if I persisted.
She would get cross and tearful with my sister, too, but my sister lived a lot further away and so visited a lot less often, and it didn't bother her the way it bothered me. She simply would not take no for an answer, and of course the tears etc. were quickly forgotten afterwards.

I know this approach would not work for everybody, though. My mother was never physically aggressive - any ire was always purely verbal.

 

[Dayperson]

Thanks for your replies, I'm feeling much calmer after a 2 6 mile walks and time to reflect. This morning I was so stressed I didn't want to be here and I've not eaten a main meal for a few days.

Regarding the rash, I took a look today and it's better but not healed so I will make an appointment with the dermatologist tomorrow.

It's important to make sure people with dementia wash because as I know though mum only showering when I change her sheets (once a month) that they will pick up illnesses and infections. With my mum we use the excuse that we have the bathroom heater on and will turn it off if she doesn't go now. I usually end up watching her to make sure she washes.

 

[fizzie]

My Mum didn't have a bath or a shower for 4 years - she had a strip wash twice a week if it was a good week - done by a carer who was brilliant with her. We used to put double base cream on and she looked wonderful - she looked about 80 if that - not nearly 92. And....she didn't smell lol

 

[Ellaroo]

Thank you so much for your advice and experience. I have tried all what has been said .
I manage to leave personal care to 3-4 day gap. One day i spent 10 hours throughout day and evening. Mum was able to critisise me and make jokes, which i do find funny now. She said will you stop mentioning washing, its getting boring now, wash your own **** it b stinks. Are you getting paid extra for washing ? Who is paying for all this?
Ill have a wash when i feel like it. Ive already washed myself today, you sound so stupid nd retarded .
Thankfully the verbal abuse has passed but still needs persuading . My daughter of 20 has started sharing the abuse which as some of you may know is bearable in small bursts.
Mum is on tabs for urine infection which i only picked up by chance , no pain but frequency. Hopefully this will give me some improvement.
I am grateful that mum is mobile, continent, able to feed self at this stage .
Mum was an SRN but what differnce does that make with dementia. She manages quite skillfully to use that against bathing.... Im an srn i am well aware of hygeine practices now p o .....
Once again thank you for your comments , makes the difference between having a good day coping xxxxxx

 

[Ellaroo]

Hi Ellaroo
do you actually ask her - as in 'Would you like to have a shower/wash now?'
if you do, try either switching the question eg It's time for a lovely warm shower now, isn't it? ie the expected answer is yes
or not asking, just stating and acting as though it simply is going to happen eg Time for your wash, you've some lovely new soap to try and the towels are already warmed up; let's listen to (favourite music) as well

dad was much more likely to wash with flannels, rather than have a shower, and liked to sit as much as poss - he really didn't like to get his face wet or having the water pouring over him and was worried about slipping

I found asking dad was just leaving me on a road to nowhere as he said no and then I was working against his resistance
if I just assumed it was going to happen - having already put everything in place - he was more likely to go along with me - not foolproof, but then nothing is - and sorry if this is what you do anyway

good luck

Thanks will just have to try my car sales rep approach more convincingly . Have to say in middle of telling her top range bubble bath , soap etc, ill get onto trouble if i have done my work... Mum seems to just decide to wash and so far managed to wash her hair.
Once again thnk you xxxxx