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At my wits end

juicy13

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
18
Social worker came on Thursday, again I feel like I was lulled into a false sense of security, Mum got up in a good mood for the first time in ages, no ranting, no shouting or swearing, social worker was pleased with how Mum was and then she left and then again things went back to how they were, mum shouting swearing ranting telling me how much she hates me etc, she is following me around to rant at me, moaning about what ive cooked for her to eat how its **** etc, I can't even get 5 minutes peace to go to the toilet as she is coming in saying she needs toilet, even though I've just made sure she didn't need, Dementia is so cruel, one face for others another face for close family, i am at a loss what to do.
 

truth24

Registered User
Oct 13, 2013
5,725
North Somerset
I'm sorry to hear your problems. Experience similar myself when OH is very sociable and loving in front of others but changes completely as soon as we come back through the door. Have lost count of the times I've been told what a lovely man he is - if only they could see him when we are alone! Just look forward to the times when he isn't cross with me - usually before sundowning sets in.:(
Social worker came on Thursday, again I feel like I was lulled into a false sense of security, Mum got up in a good mood for the first time in ages, no ranting, no shouting or swearing, social worker was pleased with how Mum was and then she left and then again things went back to how they were, mum shouting swearing ranting telling me how much she hates me etc, she is following me around to rant at me, moaning about what ive cooked for her to eat how its **** etc, I can't even get 5 minutes peace to go to the toilet as she is coming in saying she needs toilet, even though I've just made sure she didn't need, Dementia is so cruel, one face for others another face for close family, i am at a loss what to do.
 

Nebiroth

Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
3,511
This is pretty common I'm afraid. Do you live with your mum? I know it sounds horrible but it really sounds as though you need to withdraw yourself a bit from things. Remember you're not under any legal obligation to care for your mum, but social services are, so you're quite entitled to tell the social worker that you can;t cope and that they'll have to make arrangements to fill in for the stuff you're no longer going to do.

I don''t think anyone should go through life subject to abuse even if the abuser isn;t responsible for their actions.

It might help the social worker get a fuller picture if you discreetly record your mum's rants on a mobile phone or somesuch.

I'm afraid this sort of Jekyll and Hyde thing is something we read a lot of here. I think someone with dementia retains a shred of social control for strangers but not with loved ones. I think they also realise that they can "get away" with this sort of thing because a daughter isn't going to just walk out. But that isn;t always true.
 

juicy13

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
18
I do live with my mum, I am her full time carer so can't just walk away i'm afraid, I know it sounds cruel but it is like she manipulates me, she can be so cruel one minute aggressive violent etc then she is almost sitting on my knee stroking me telling me she loves me and trying to force money on me, sometimes I take it as she won't take no for an answer but I always just leave it on my desk knowing that half an hour later she will be back to the violent aggressive woman and accuse me of stealing her money so I give her it back and on and on it goes all day every day.
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Have you asked the social worker if you could try your Mum back in a care home again, they must have records of why she was admitted the first time. If that is what you feel you want, tell them that you thought her behaviour had settled down and that is why you agreed to take her back home, but now she has reverted back and it is affecting your Dad badly and you are worried about the violence towards him and yourself. You can't carry on like this. There are others who have removed a relative from the care home only to find that they still can't cope and so end up having them put back into permanent care. Social Services still have a duty of care and especially towards your Dad who is in poor health. I would call them again and every time she becomes aggressive. xx

Ange
 

juicy13

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
18
Have you asked the social worker if you could try your Mum back in a care home again, they must have records of why she was admitted the first time. If that is what you feel you want, tell them that you thought her behaviour had settled down and that is why you agreed to take her back home, but now she has reverted back and it is affecting your Dad badly and you are worried about the violence towards him and yourself. You can't carry on like this. There are others who have removed a relative from the care home only to find that they still can't cope and so end up having them put back into permanent care. Social Services still have a duty of care and especially towards your Dad who is in poor health. I would call them again and every time she becomes aggressive. xx

Ange

It does look like that is the only option I am left with but it does leave me feel like I have failed my Mum.
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
You have not failed your Mum, you have given her every chance you possibly could and more. We all feel that same emotion when things become too much for us to cope with, you must look on it as you are doing what is right and best for your Mum, remember she was better in the care home, my Mum was and is the same, I know if we took her away from the care home she would revert back to the tormented soul she was. None of us are failures including you make that call for all your sakes xx

Ange
 

Dagne

Registered User
Feb 16, 2013
140
It must be so hard, but please don't feel you've failed. We are all only human, and many people couldn't care day in day out like you have. Instead of looking at it as a failure, maybe think of how your relationship might improve if instead of suffering from verbal abuse, you were visiting her regularly, knowing she was safe and looked after. You would have far more energy, and could use your visits to try to have the best relationship possible, rather than having your energy too drained to be able to have a social relationship.
 

Jaffy

Registered User
Oct 24, 2013
168
74
Ohio USA
So very sorry what you are going through. This one face for others and another for me, is what is so hard for me to call "dementia" since hubby and his father have always been like that!

Going to take a crying spell and release this frustration.
Jaffy