• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

At my wits end..

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
79
0
I urgently need some advice please.I will try to keep it brief.I have been caring for my husband who has Alzheimers with dementia now for some seven years and gradually his condition has deteriorated,resulting in my contacting social services for help and they are coming to assess him next week,with a view to him going into respite to give me a break.The reason for this is because he now opens the front/back door and wanders outside if he can't see me,for instance I might be in the shower and he forgets I'm up there and goes outside,resulting in that now I have to remove the keys from the front and back doors.This means I am unable to leave the house for anything at all,haven't been out socially or otherwise since January,I shop online.the question is...Father's Day is coming up(Sunday)and his daughter from a previuos marriage contacted me to ask if she could see her Father,and the reason for that is because early last year she took her Father for a week to give me a break,and after she brought him home she promptly reported me to social services for"bullying and abuse"and consequently she has had no contact with her Father.Social services said there was no evidence at all of any bullying or abuse and no case to answer.In respect of what has happened and she calls to see her Father on Sunday,what do I do if my husband blurts out that social services are due to call? The daughter is likely to scupper my brief chance of respite because she is likely to claim that she would take him given the chance,which she hasn't.....she was supposed to have her Father for seven days last time,and brought him back after five,saying she was worn out!I'm in turmoil as to what is the best way to deal with this.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,685
0
High Peak
Have you discussed any of this with his daughter? Do you know why she reported you? Could he have repeated the plot of a murder mystery program he'd seen on TV and she believed every word because she doesn't understand dementia?

I'm just wondering what on earth led her to report you as it sounds like she saw only too well how difficult it is to manage him, after struggling through 5 of the 7 days she offered before. (I don't doubt for a minute that you care for him very well!) You say she's had no contact with her father since so I assume you haven't spoken to her either. It's a bit rich that she suddenly wants to turn up for Fathers Day - if she really cared about him she would phone/write/visit on a regular basis - perhaps she wants to make sure she's still in the Will? (Sorry - I tend to be very cynical when it comes to 'invisible' relatives turning up out of the blue.)

If it were me... (and obviously I don't know you, your husband, his daughter or the relationships you all had pre-dementia!) I'd ask her straight out why she wants to visit and if she intends to report you to SS again afterwards. Depending on what she says (and I think you'd get a very good idea from her replies) I'd decide then whether or not to permit the visit. I honestly can't see it would make much difference to your husband if she visits or not. (I may be wrong about that...)
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
79
0
I am at a loss as to why she reported me....I don't know,maybe my husband said something,but it's a common fact that quite often dementia sufferers make up lies about someone/carer/neighbour,whatever,but you'd think that even with a brief grasp of the illness that if this were the case,his daughter would take what he'd said with a pinch of salt?Yes,I think she sees me as stopping her gravy train because in the past,with mutual agreement,before my husband 's illness advanced,we would help her out money wise,we even bought her a car....but she has said that it was her father's money not mine.I have POA financial and health,and was originally going to have her as a named Attorney,but not now.Yes it is rich that she wants to see himon Fathers Day,it's one day of the year,what about the rest of the year? My husband said,on my telling him his daughter is calling Sunday,said he'd like to see more of her,but he thinks she is afraid of me and that i need to be kinder to her...!Give me strength!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,346
0
South coast
Have you told your husband about SS coming? I wouldnt tell him, or if you have told him don't remind him and hope he has forgotten. I dont see that you have to say anything about your plans for respite to the daughter. If your husband does remember that SS are coming, just shrug it off as a routine visit, but I honestly would be surprised if he remembered.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
3,159
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Let her visit her father, otherwise you will become the wicked stepmother. Smile at her even you 'd like to strangle her. It's only one day. You can cope with it. And then you won't see her for a year.
I have an invisible stepson whom I regularly welcome ( !!) on his father's birthday...I know he visits just to check how long it will be until he can pocket his share of his father's inheritance.
I can understand your concerns, but telling her you won't let her see her father might trigger a bad reaction.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,407
0
Victoria, Australia
I am at a loss as to why she reported me....I don't know,maybe my husband said something,but it's a common fact that quite often dementia sufferers make up lies about someone/carer/neighbour,whatever,but you'd think that even with a brief grasp of the illness that if this were the case,his daughter would take what he'd said with a pinch of salt?Yes,I think she sees me as stopping her gravy train because in the past,with mutual agreement,before my husband 's illness advanced,we would help her out money wise,we even bought her a car....but she has said that it was her father's money not mine.I have POA financial and health,and was originally going to have her as a named Attorney,but not now.Yes it is rich that she wants to see himon Fathers Day,it's one day of the year,what about the rest of the year? My husband said,on my telling him his daughter is calling Sunday,said he'd like to see more of her,but he thinks she is afraid of me and that i need to be kinder to her...!Give me strength!
Oh the joys of being a wicked step mother!

When we got married, my husband refused to invite one of them to our wedding 'because he is so dreadful' and the other started demanding to see his dad's will four months after our marriage and tried to get OH to make his will in a particular way, obviously that would benefit him.

Because of circumstances, OH hasn't contributed financially to our situation for many years but stepsons seem to think we are loaded and should be sharing our money with them. Even the grand daughter tries to put the bite on him

I think this is one of those 'grin and bear it' moments and you know that your husband still wants to think his daughter loves him. His sideswipe at you is part and parcel of caring for a PWD and I know it is frustrating. I wonder what she thought she was doing when she reported you.
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
79
0
Oh the joys of being a wicked step mother!

When we got married, my husband refused to invite one of them to our wedding 'because he is so dreadful' and the other started demanding to see his dad's will four months after our marriage and tried to get OH to make his will in a particular way, obviously that would benefit him.

Because of circumstances, OH hasn't contributed financially to our situation for many years but stepsons seem to think we are loaded and should be sharing our money with them. Even the grand daughter tries to put the bite on him

I think this is one of those 'grin and bear it' moments and you know that your husband still wants to think his daughter loves him. His sideswipe at you is part and parcel of caring for a PWD and I know it is frustrating. I wonder what she thought she was doing when she reported you.
Yes,indeed.....My husband has a son too who lives in Ireland and he never hears from him either!In my saner moments I think it's their loss,in others I would like them to accept some of the burden,but no_Oh they both know so much better how it should be done,but none step forward.It's not so much his daughter visiting for father's day,as you say it's only one day,it's if my husband lets it slip that soon he will be going in respite to give me a break? The daughter is bound to put the spanner in the works as she has always said her father should remain in the home,end of.,but as we all know,sometimes that isn't possible,especially as the disease progresses.Plus the carer gets break from the caring.My husband is getting near to needing 24 hour care now,I can see that,but of course if the daughter hasn't been consulted(and quite frankly,why should I,the respite is for me,)then she will more than likely say to social services that she would've ridden to the rescue........
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
73,682
0
Kent
Hello @Kapow

One of the biggest shocks of my life was when my husband told me he was frightened of me.

I`m sure Social Services will know enough about dementia to understand how confusion affects the understanding of so many people with dementia and your husband staying with his daughter in a different environment will likely to have added to this.

Have the strength to stand your ground with family members who see their parent once in a blue moon and think they know better than you.

If your husband does mention social services or respite to his daughter and she kicks off, it will show your husband has more sense than she has.
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
79
0
Hello @Kapow

One of the biggest shocks of my life was when my husband told me he was frightened of me.

I`m sure Social Services will know enough about dementia to understand how confusion affects the understanding of so many people with dementia and your husband staying with his daughter in a different environment will likely to have added to this.

Have the strength to stand your ground with family members who see their parent once in a blue moon and think they know better than you.

If your husband does mention social services or respite to his daughter and she kicks off, it will show your husband has more sense than she has.
Yes...it's very difficult to say the least.Yes,I am going to stand my ground and if my husband mentions social services and the inevitable happens then the daughter will be shown the door.If my chance of respite is scuppered because of anything she does then I am simply going to throw in the towel and someone will have to sit up and listen then.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,407
0
Victoria, Australia
Yes,indeed.....My husband has a son too who lives in Ireland and he never hears from him either!In my saner moments I think it's their loss,in others I would like them to accept some of the burden,but no_Oh they both know so much better how it should be done,but none step forward.It's not so much his daughter visiting for father's day,as you say it's only one day,it's if my husband lets it slip that soon he will be going in respite to give me a break? The daughter is bound to put the spanner in the works as she has always said her father should remain in the home,end of.,but as we all know,sometimes that isn't possible,especially as the disease progresses.Plus the carer gets break from the caring.My husband is getting near to needing 24 hour care now,I can see that,but of course if the daughter hasn't been consulted(and quite frankly,why should I,the respite is for me,)then she will more than likely say to social services that she would've ridden to the rescue........
And it always surprises me that someone not responsible for the caring of another individual believes that they can make decisions about respite/care . Don't they know that they have so little knowledge about the subject that they actually look stupid?

My son came in for a coffee this morning and I think for the first time he saw the changes in my husband for what they are. OH has always been good at "hosting" but the cracks are starting to show now. He used to put it down to a bit of aging, memory, fogginess etc but saw the irritability and passive aggression for the first time.

And you are perfectly right that the respite is for you and that is something that the ignorant will never understand.

I hope that you can get through this without friction and that everyone stays calm and polite. Maybe she won't be staying too long.
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
79
0
And it always surprises me that someone not responsible for the caring of another individual believes that they can make decisions about respite/care . Don't they know that they have so little knowledge about the subject that they actually look stupid?

My son came in for a coffee this morning and I think for the first time he saw the changes in my husband for what they are. OH has always been good at "hosting" but the cracks are starting to show now. He used to put it down to a bit of aging, memory, fogginess etc but saw the irritability and passive aggression for the first time.

And you are perfectly right that the respite is for you and that is something that the ignorant will never understand.

I hope that you can get through this without friction and that everyone stays calm and polite. Maybe she won't be staying too long.
Yes....it's always the ones that don't actually do any caring that know exactly how it should be done.We can all be fresh and raring to go,but we run out of steam when it's something we are doing 24 hrs a day,7 days a week......and it infuriates me when I get"have you actually thought about trying...." or" maybe if you asked him like this...".....and they can be charm personified in front of others,but the minute the others leave,they revert to type.It's so hard to get through to some people this fact,but why would you lie?Well...the daughter came,I was polite,she brought her Father some white chocolate,which,last time she was on the scene he had a thing about....but no longer,I have blocks of the stuff!Anyhow,I suppose the thought was there,but he is diabetic,which the daughter knows about....So,that will be it for another year and now the sadness has returned to my husband's face....right on cue,at the closing of the door.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
5,276
0
Southampton
Yes....it's always the ones that don't actually do any caring that know exactly how it should be done.We can all be fresh and raring to go,but we run out of steam when it's something we are doing 24 hrs a day,7 days a week......and it infuriates me when I get"have you actually thought about trying...." or" maybe if you asked him like this...".....and they can be charm personified in front of others,but the minute the others leave,they revert to type.It's so hard to get through to some people this fact,but why would you lie?Well...the daughter came,I was polite,she brought her Father some white chocolate,which,last time she was on the scene he had a thing about....but no longer,I have blocks of the stuff!Anyhow,I suppose the thought was there,but he is diabetic,which the daughter knows about....So,that will be it for another year and now the sadness has returned to my husband's face....right on cue,at the closing of the door.
well done for being polite with daughter. visit gone now so perhaps dont need to worry for a while hope you have a bit of a rest when he goes for respite.
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
79
0
well done for being polite with daughter. visit gone now so perhaps dont need to worry for a while hope you have a bit of a rest when he goes for respite.
Thank you.....yes,let's hope Tuesdays visit from SS proves fruitful....
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
79
0
Update on my post.SS came and we have manged to secure a place for my husband in a care home for a month initially and take it from there.He is going to be assessed in there and on the basis of that,and what we have already discussed,have the option to extend his stay.I feel relieved that for a while I will be able to join the human race once more,yet why do I feel guilty?It's such a hard decision,but believe me,it's been a long time coming.My husband will have an en suite room,which we were lucky to get(the other resident goes home on Sunday)and my husband goes in on Monday.....feeling apprehensive tbh.....
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,477
0
Yorkshire
really pleased that the placement has been arranged
we all feel some level of guilt @Kapow because we care and deep down can't help but wish residential care were not necessary ... acknowledging feelings, we also, though, have to make level headed decisions about what is necessary
I hope the move in goes smoothly ... maybe don't build it up at all, think of it as a holiday/break ... and take it each day at a time rather than looking to the future
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
79
0
really pleased that the placement has been arranged
we all feel some level of guilt @Kapow because we care and deep down can't help but wish residential care were not necessary ... acknowledging feelings, we also, though, have to make level headed decisions about what is necessary
I hope the move in goes smoothly ... maybe don't build it up at all, think of it as a holiday/break ... and take it each day at a time rather than looking to the future
Thank you....I will try and take each day as it comes....but I think that after his assessment in the home they will advise me to let him stay.He has an en suite room,essential because he is incontinent,and if he comes home again then he will lose this room as they are much in demand.Anyhow,one day at a time.