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At last I found the thread

Jim and Val

New member
Apr 1, 2020
2
Purely
It took sometime for me to find how to post a message but then I just seemed seemed to stumble on it.
My Wife Val was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 2014 at the age of 73. I think the Alzheimers may have started to appear when Val reached 70 but it was mild and developed slowly. It is only in the last few years that Val's memory has deteriorated a lot. I will soon be 67. I was made redundant when I was 59 but I'm pleased about it now as it hase enabled us to be together all the time now. We used to look after some of the grand children. But we have had to give this up as it was too much for us to cope with and I was often accused of carrying on with mums at the school, by Val. Dispite them being young enough to be my daughters
Val has a way with her. She makes everyone laugh with her funny quips. But she can also dislike people for no apparent reason.
We have had difficult times in recent years and I have had to learn to cope and not to try and reason with her.
For sometime now Val often asks about where someone is. It's as if she has just been speaking to someone and they have gone out without saying a word.
I think she used to live in a household where there were alot of people coming and going. Just recently Val has started to to forgett how long we have lived together. When I say its 22 years she says I'm having a laugh.
Yesturday evening we had a bad patch, for about a week now when it come to time to go to bed she thinks that we need to go back to her house. She gets upset when I say we only have to go upstairs to our bedroom. I'm getting to the point where I dread the evening and the stress it causes. Val does have four lovely daughters from a previous marriage who I phone when things get hard.
It certainly helps to put my thoughts down on paper. By the way I should have started by saying how much I love Val.
Jim
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,808
69
Dundee
Welcome to the forum @Jim and Val.

It’s so heartwarming to read your post - as Cat says your love just shines through.

I know you’ll get lots of help and support here and I hope sharing tonight has helped, even just a little.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,051
Yorkshire
hello @Jim and Val
a warm welcome to DTP from me too
it's so clear how much you feel for your wife

I wonder, when she asks how long you've been married, if it bothers her might you be less specific eg say "a few years now, aren't I a lucky man" ... it may be that she is slipping in time so 22 years, if she thinks she is much younger might seem impossible

this might also be behind the thinking she needs to go 'home' when it's time to sleep ... so try saying something such as 'this is such a comfortable place, let's stay for tonight as it's late and think about going home tomorrow" then distract with 'how about some hot milk and a biscuit' or something she enjoys, maybe even a favourite TV programme or DVD
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
3,958
south-east London
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Jim and Val - as others have said, your love does shine through.

I also enjoyed the fact that I was able to spend most of my time with my husband after he was diagnosed. Unlike you, I wasn't made redundant - but over a six year period I gradually reduced my hours from full time to one day per week. Even when I was mostly full time I was lucky to be able to do most of my work from home. Like you I was happy to be spending as much time with my husband as I could - and do things while we could.

My husband also used to get confused about where his home was from time to time. On those days I would say something along the lines of "Isn't it lovely we are going to be able to stay here tonight - the people who own it are so kind." He always agreed .
 

Jim and Val

New member
Apr 1, 2020
2
Purely
Thank you everyone for your kind comments and helpful advice. I'm starting to realise that there are ways of saying things that bend the truth a bit but in doing so help the situation.
This evening we have gone to bed without any stress. Maybe that's because I have paid extra attention and tried harder, but it seems to have worked.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,808
69
Dundee
I’m glad you had a calmer evening and hope you have both managed to get some rest.

I wondered if this thread would be of any help to you -