At end of tether

[Franglasgow]

I am facing a crisis point this evening and hoping someone can give me advice.

Background: my dad has Alzheimer's. Currently affecting short term memory which is incredibly bad (same questions asked multiple times in space of a minute), he doesn't understand where he lives, time of year, day etc. I am an only child.

My mum sadly passed away just over 3 weeks ago from a short battle with cancer. She had been his primary carer and I think the stress contributed to her own illness. She was very reluctant to get outside help for dad. Myself and partner moved in to parents house temporarily when mum went into hospital 2 months ago to look after dad and because of circumstances with her we still haven't gone home. I had dad assessed by social services when mum went into hospital to allow me to go back to work, it was done on the basis that at that point we thought mum would be home eventually but obviously that never occurred. Therefore care arrangements that were put in place for dad are nowhere near adequate enough now and I am getting dad a reassessment this week.

Crisis point: As i said i have reached a point today that i feel i can't go on. I am currently locked in my room at parents house and can't bear to face dad.

I was out today with a friend and she told me that dad had made sexual advances to her after mum's funeral, she was a upset by it understandably but knows its the illness and not him and fortunately she was able to remove herself from situation and as far as I can tell she didn't feel threatened. I am completely shocked and upset as I wasn't aware that dad had this behaviour.

The final straw tonight was that I got home and dad had fed my beloved cats (we moved them in after mum died for my comfort) despite me putting three signs in kitchen asking him not to. He had given them raw meat (lamb) which is dangerous. Fortunately i don't think they ate any of it.

I just can't cope with any of this anymore, I need to grieve for mum but too stressed with dad. I just don't know what to do for the best. I just want to go home and hibernate.

Is it time to put dad in a home? I have no family close by and I can't do this anymore.

 

[Jessie107]

I'm sorry to hear that you have recently lost your Mother. Having to now cope with your Dad as well must be very difficult indeed. My mum also has Alzhiemers so I know exactly how you are feeling, she lives in her own home and myself, sister and brother do shifts to look after her. This is becoming really hard now as the illness progresses, especially as she is very verb aggressive, all our lives are on hold while we are looking after her.
Knowing what I now know, and how difficult it is to look after someone with Alziemers, and the fact you have no siblings to share the load, I would definitely be looking at care homes. It will be tough to do but they can look after your dad and see to his ever changing needs very well. You have a life to lead too, and remember it's the illness that put in a home, not you. If you continue to look after him you will become worn down in no time at all. Best of luck to you and I do sympathise.
Jessie

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Franglasgow

I don't have any solutions, but didn't want to read n run.

I can tell you that you will have no time to mourn your mum while looking after your dad (my dad passed 2 years ago & I've yet to mourn him )

It is really hard to separate the disease from what you expect of someone. His behaviour is shocking, but not when viewed as part of this tragic journey we find ourselves on. It's almost like forgetting who they were & accepting a different person, but with the same looks. Very strange getting your head round it, but one way of looking at it

Maybe the reassessment will allow your dad to stay at home, or maybe they will make suggestions so you can cope. You don't have to care for him. Hard though that sounds, it's not your responsibility or duty or whatever you want to call it. Maybe you could look at homes, either near you if you normally live a distance away, or near his present home so it's familiar & near friends who may visit.

Nothing is easy about this. No one really gets the stress & frustration unless they've lived it. Everyone will gave an opinion, so .....

Do what us best for you & your family, not for everyone else. It's hard to do, but you are entitled to your life.

I'm so sorry about your mum, she may well have hidden it while caring for your dad, her husband. Don't judge her. I'm sure any decision she made about her own health would have been made from the love of her family

Try to be kind to yourself

 

[LadyA]

Hello Franglasgow.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. My condolences on your loss.

Sam is right. You do not have to continue to cope with caring for your dad. It will be hard to step back, but in all reality, with the stress you are under, you run the risk of becoming ill yourself. You need to take care of yourself, so that you can be there as your dad's advocate when dealing with officialdom, and as his daughter when you visit. Definitely, push for the reassessment- on the basis that you will not be living with your dad.

 

[marionq]

On a practical level - your Dad needs care and you cannot give it. This is not your fault or anyone else's either. It is what it is. Next step is to arrange care. If he has a SS assessment they should see he cannot manage on his own and therefore care is the next step. There are lots of care homes in Glasgow some better than others. If h owns his own house and will be self funding then you can pick whichever one is suitable. If LA will be funding then you have to work with them to find one they will part fund.

Did your Dad do National Service or was he in the forces? If so we have one of the best care homes for ex service people at Anniesland and Erskine. Have a look online.

Keep us in touch with how you get on as others will be able to add to this.

Good wishes.

 

[Shedrech]

hi Franglasgow
your family is going through some tough times - my condolences on the death of your mum, that's such a blow to cope with
your mum, bless her, clearly did a wonderful job of caring for your dad - that doesn't mean that you are expected to step into her shoes; you simply can't, you have your own life to lead, and she would want that for you
so make it clear to Social Services exactly what you dad's and your situations are; that you are NOT able to personally care for him but will, of course, be actively involved in monitoring the care which will be put in place AND if you believe that it is in his best interests to move into a care home, say so (you won't be 'putting' him in a home, you will be finding the most suitable new home for him to move into) - what your dad does need from you is not for you to give up your life, but to arrange the care he now requires
as to the advance he made to your friend, another member wrote of a similar situation, so it's not individual to your dad - that doesn't make it any less distressing, I appreciate - and you know that the dementia was behind it; it doesn't make your dad a bad man - do mention this, and any other concerns and changes, to his GP/consultant, as a tweak in his meds or some new meds may help
best wishes

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi

My dad was quite persistent in his pursuit of one of my friends and also made inappropriate comments to my daughter, which really upset her. Luckily friend can laugh about it now but daughter still doesn't want to be left alone with her grandad.

I managed to get dad an urgent appointment with his consultant (via the GP) and his medication was tweeked, after which he went back to his usual gentlemanly behaviour.

This was a year ago. Dad's getting worse so I don't know how much longer I'll be able to manage him at home where he lives alone and when the time comes I know I will have to make the decision to find full time care for him. I couldn't sacrifice my life for him. And I don't think he'd want me to. It's heartbreaking but you can only do your best, not only for your dad but for everyone.