At a loss...

[Cooker]

I have struggled to get my Dad to accept respite care for Mum.
After a successful week at the end of April we had her in again on 8 August. On 9 August CH staff found her on the floor. On 10th CH had her Dr out who said she couldn't come home as Dad (and I) wouldn't be able to cope. I should make it clear that over the last couple of weeks she's been refusing or struggling with food and drink and tablets, her mobility (not great) has deteriorated.
In the CH she became non-responsive. Admitted to hospital on Fri morning and treated for infection, then transferred to local small hospital to "get her mobile."

The Sister scared and upset my Dad yesterday by asking if he could have her home. Dad has come to realisation after 5 years he can't cope. She's not been out of bed since probably last Sunday, has couple of pressure sores, is now apparently doubly incontinent. Her oxygen take up is so poor she's on oxygen and I'm told today that she has CCF. She's still on antibiotics, and now medication for CCF.

Does this sound like she's now at end stage? If so, I want my Dad, who isn't well himself, to reestablish a companionship with her rather than the stress of being her carer. I'm not sure how to go about pushing to get her into care permanently and looking at funding. Dad is now adamant he can't have her home. Do I need to push for a conversation with the hospital Dr or her GP about CCF, her current state and treatment (or not)?

Sorry to download this all but I am feeling lost and stressed about what stage she is at and what our options are and who to approach. Why is it so difficult to get a straight answer? I don't even know for definite which form of dementia she has! Told vascular early on but a CT scan last year revealed so many amyloid protein tangles her brain looks like it's got severe acne.

 

[Quilty]

I think you need to get as many people on your side as possible. Tell Social work that your Mum cannot come home as your Dad can no longer cope. Emphasise that you are withdrawing any help that puts your Dad back in the role of a carer. Say they are both "adults at risk", "vulnerable adults". They will have to then make an assessment.

I agree with you that your parents need to have quality time to be together. Without the strain of caring they can be closer. Yes, your Mum will not be at home but you will all be coping better.

Best of luck. Stand your ground and get GP, hospital social worker, family and friends etc to help where you can.

We are all here for you so keep posting. Any problem you have someone here will have faced. I refused to take my Mum back home and removed the key from the keysafe. The hospital were not happy but they were not my concern,

 

[Cooker]

Thanks, Quilty. Much appreciated.

The local Adult Social Care started dealing but then, as she was admitted, it is with the hospital SW.

I think I'll ring them, her GP, his GP, hospital Dr and be a general pain.

 

[Quilty]

Dont let them guilt you out. My Mum was no much better when she moved to a care home. It CAN be a positive thing. In hospital I thought she would live a few weeks at most but she is now quite stable thanks to nursing care, company and more regular food, drinks and medication. She does things for the nurses she would never do for the carers at home. Its as if out of her own home the rules are different.

We are all behind you. Big hug and keep strong.
Love Quilty

 

[Borsetshire]

Mum unhappy in respite care.

My mum is 85 and being cared for by her almost 88 year old partner. She has Alzheimer's. I live 130 miles away have 2 jobs and 4 children (university age). My brother lives close but has a business to run. We persuaded mum to go into respite and she is currently in a local, to her, care home; she is there for 8 more days. Her partner is enjoying his break... He is very elderly and is having to do everything. She wakes him at night, she calls for him constantly.

Two days ago my bro and her partner took her into the home. I visited her on the first and second days. She is really not enjoying the experience. When I visited she asked 50 times plus why she is there. She cries and begs. Today she rang us all on her mobile (her partner packed it for her). The care home appears excellent and the staff very matter of fact. I cannot visit now, am 130 miles away. Her partner is apprehensive about visiting now.
Has anyone been through this. Any ideas? Care home are unphased but I am finding it all upsetting. I cannot bring her here, our house is unsuitable, she wouldn't last the journey. Her carer is very frail and needs a break.

 

[canary]

My mum is 85 and being cared for by her almost 88 year old partner. She has Alzheimer's. I live 130 miles away have 2 jobs and 4 children (university age). My brother lives close but has a business to run. We persuaded mum to go into respite and she is currently in a local, to her, care home; she is there for 8 more days. Her partner is enjoying his break... He is very elderly and is having to do everything. She wakes him at night, she calls for him constantly.

Two days ago my bro and her partner took her into the home. I visited her on the first and second days. She is really not enjoying the experience. When I visited she asked 50 times plus why she is there. She cries and begs. Today she rang us all on her mobile (her partner packed it for her). The care home appears excellent and the staff very matter of fact. I cannot visit now, am 130 miles away. Her partner is apprehensive about visiting now.
Has anyone been through this. Any ideas? Care home are unphased but I am finding it all upsetting. I cannot bring her here, our house is unsuitable, she wouldn't last the journey. Her carer is very frail and needs a break.

Your mum is bound to be unsettled. When mum first went into a CH it took her a good few weeks to settle (although she is now very happy there), so Im not surprised that she is like she is. She is, however, safe and looked after. As her partner so desperately needs a break and the CH are dealing with it then I would accept it - however upsetting it is for you.
Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to ask the CH to remove her mobile so that she doesnt keep phoning everyone as this is likely to keep reminding her of home and may be making the situation worse.